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Yeah exactly this. Right now it feels like nothing can fix what's broken inside of me, despite me smiling and laughing around things. There's no fix for me despite my appearance of being somehow "fit" for society. Deep down i'm not fit for anything. All i want to do is CTB, but i gotta wait sadly.
Yeah, all those things are so momentary, whether it's laughing or smiling, they feel kinda robotic to me, not necessarily forced but very similar to that.
Same, it seems pointless even because i know that the void will be back soon, can't really enjoy happiness totally like i should. It's kinda weird but i'm still focused on CTB.
Ah i already gave up all hope i had of a bright future. It's really broken and messy inside of me, and i don't wanna fix it, seems easier to just throw it all away. A lot of heartbreaks took me here and i'm stuck in a impasse. I would only feel complete with a soulmate, but at the same time, i can't put all of my existence on their shoulders. It's unfair and not something i feel like i can solve. I can't be happy alone and won't be happy depending on someone else. It's seems like the most logical course of action is CTB and hoping i can reborn in a new, happy life.
Definitely. My focus hasn't been on ctb as much because i know almost everything i need to but its never ever far away.
