Claymore7274
I'm scared
- Oct 4, 2025
- 183
I'm thinking about catching the bus soon but i have zero idea when, i was supposed to do it the wekeend that just passed, but i had to postpone it because i hurt my neck sleeping and i wish to not suffer as much doing it.
i may do it tomorrow, next month, next six months, i don't really have an urgency to end it, but i know i have to, it has made me reflect about what i've been doing these last six years, of where it all went wrong.
I have been a shut-in neet ever since Covid, i was 14 back then in 2020, it may sound awful but i had a blast, just playing games with my friends, watching movies, shows, masturbate. Pure hedonism, i was truly happy.
It's been the same since that day the lockdown began, and a part of me was never able to go back to normality, from 2020 to early 2024 i stopped thinking about suicide, until i turned 18.
In my 18th birthday my dad stopped giving me money, pushed me into having a job, that's when i became a burden to my other family members, since then i have felt like utter shit, i know what i have to do to stop being a problem, i did have a job for a while, until i couldn't bear the miserable state i was in and i just quit.
I also went to school for a while but i started failing my classes and my dad got tired of burning his money for me, so i stopped going.
In 2025 my oldest brother who i look up to a lot, got me into a free of charge online school, wishful thinking, i too self sabotaged that, now a year has passed and the snowball is so big i see no other exit but suicide, really, i don't, one year and 4 months from now i should be done with school if i was actually attending.
That's the deadline.
Despite all of that i think i had a great life, i had a girlfriend, i ate good food, i had an awesome friend group, i even used to look great physically. I'm not exactly satisfied with my life, i could have done more, but it's enough for me.
Nothing of that remains now, just to wait the day i actually decide to take the rope and hang myself
i may do it tomorrow, next month, next six months, i don't really have an urgency to end it, but i know i have to, it has made me reflect about what i've been doing these last six years, of where it all went wrong.
I have been a shut-in neet ever since Covid, i was 14 back then in 2020, it may sound awful but i had a blast, just playing games with my friends, watching movies, shows, masturbate. Pure hedonism, i was truly happy.
It's been the same since that day the lockdown began, and a part of me was never able to go back to normality, from 2020 to early 2024 i stopped thinking about suicide, until i turned 18.
In my 18th birthday my dad stopped giving me money, pushed me into having a job, that's when i became a burden to my other family members, since then i have felt like utter shit, i know what i have to do to stop being a problem, i did have a job for a while, until i couldn't bear the miserable state i was in and i just quit.
I also went to school for a while but i started failing my classes and my dad got tired of burning his money for me, so i stopped going.
In 2025 my oldest brother who i look up to a lot, got me into a free of charge online school, wishful thinking, i too self sabotaged that, now a year has passed and the snowball is so big i see no other exit but suicide, really, i don't, one year and 4 months from now i should be done with school if i was actually attending.
That's the deadline.
Despite all of that i think i had a great life, i had a girlfriend, i ate good food, i had an awesome friend group, i even used to look great physically. I'm not exactly satisfied with my life, i could have done more, but it's enough for me.
Nothing of that remains now, just to wait the day i actually decide to take the rope and hang myself
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