Desperate need of an ear and perspective. Existential dread, terror, non duality.

[carbanak]

I made this account a few years ago, as a spectator trying to find comfort. As jaded as I could have been, I never would have imagined this state I'm in now. Completely unable to function, frozen, traumatized, shocked, for weeks on end with no end in site. To go from hope, genuine gratitude, security, thinking I had everything I needed to apparently being cast into hell overnight. Nothing I've read, seen, heard, no one I've talked to could have prepared me for a kind of suffering I didn't know about third hand much less personally. I feel too exhausted to relay everything again, to volunteer this entire life experience, this identity and thought process, but I'm reaching out because I don't know what else to do.

I've come to believe in the non dual nature of reality, consciousness as fundamental. But none of that helps this person. None of that can rationalize the suffering this person feels. I know there are some on here who have had similar experiences as far as leaning on philosophy/religion/spirituality, who have nonetheless ended up feeling that there is no choice. That they must go. And others who hang on for fear of uncertainty, that there could be worse waiting beyond this life.

Anyone this sounds familiar to, willing to hear everything, to talk, to be heard, let me know. I would be open to calling too. For better or worse I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. At least I can be someone to lean on, even in this state.

 

[alstroemeria55]

Though I can't know what you're talking about for sure, this is relatable to me in some sense. I thought my life was finally going the right way, I thought I wasn't going to be alone anymore, I trusted in the God I thought was looking out for me, only to be ruthlessly crushed all over again. I'm lost, frustrated, and in pain. Not one day goes by without the same thoughts. The loss, the disillusionment, not wanting to exist in a world this cruel anymore. I don't know what to do either.

 

[IrisGr3y_]

Made my account very recently, but I'm having doubts here and there...

Most describe daunting experiences and lives, mine has mostly been... 'markedly' uneventful, with some minor 'wins'. This has turned me into a maladjusted individual who doesn't know how to navigate life. Well, the story of my life is something for later... or never.

That's one of the things I've circled in my mind, the impermanence of life. Things can get better, as much as they can get worse. 'Nothing is forever' as they say, well, feels nice to hear when things are down, not so much when they're somewhat up again.

I've become very detached. Things like 'philosophy/religion/spirituality' don't quite... click. I just do my thing and try to stay as sane as I can.

Most of the grand narratives out there don't hit the same when your issue is with human nature, or nature in general. At least, that's been my experience. To most others it's probably the other way around.

 

[carbanak]

Though I can't know what you're talking about for sure, this is relatable to me in some sense. I thought my life was finally going the right way, I thought I wasn't going to be alone anymore, I trusted in the God I thought was looking out for me, only to be ruthlessly crushed all over again. I'm lost, frustrated, and in pain. Not one day goes by without the same thoughts. The loss, the disillusionment, not wanting to exist in a world this cruel anymore. I don't know what to do either.

Please share if you feel like it. DM me. I'd like to hear. I have no problem sharing everything with strangers, just tiring. Maybe there's something of value to you in my head that wasn't to me

 

[yotaka]

I made this account a few years ago, as a spectator trying to find comfort. As jaded as I could have been, I never would have imagined this state I'm in now. Completely unable to function, frozen, traumatized, shocked, for weeks on end with no end in site. To go from hope, genuine gratitude, security, thinking I had everything I needed to apparently being cast into hell overnight. Nothing I've read, seen, heard, no one I've talked to could have prepared me for a kind of suffering I didn't know about third hand much less personally. I feel too exhausted to relay everything again, to volunteer this entire life experience, this identity and thought process, but I'm reaching out because I don't know what else to do.

I've come to believe in the non dual nature of reality, consciousness as fundamental. But none of that helps this person. None of that can rationalize the suffering this person feels. I know there are some on here who have had similar experiences as far as leaning on philosophy/religion/spirituality, who have nonetheless ended up feeling that there is no choice. That they must go. And others who hang on for fear of uncertainty, that there could be worse waiting beyond this life.

Anyone this sounds familiar to, willing to hear everything, to talk, to be heard, let me know. I would be open to calling too. For better or worse I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. At least I can be someone to lean on, even in this state.

I'm sorry you're going through this, friend. I can't be certain what you're experiencing and how my experience might or might not relate, but it sounds like there may be at least some common points. I've really struggled to find any kind of consolation in the religion / spirituality / philosophy that seems to work for so many people. I'm also drawn to the use of "this person"—I wonder if we share a similar outlook when it comes to consciousness and its relation to causality, identity, etc.

In any case, it seems like you're under the weight of an excruciating amount of anxiety. I don't know that anything I can say would be helpful, but I'm willing to listen if you'd like to say more.

 

[carbanak]

Made my account very recently, but I'm having doubts here and there...

Most describe daunting experiences and lives, mine has mostly been... 'markedly' uneventful, with some minor 'wins'. This has turned me into a maladjusted individual who doesn't know how to navigate life. Well, the story of my life is something for later... or never.

That's one of the things I've circled in my mind, the impermanence of life. Things can get better, as much as they can get worse. 'Nothing is forever' as they say, well, feels nice to hear when things are down, not so much when they're somewhat up again.

I've become very detached. Things like 'philosophy/religion/spirituality' don't quite... click. I just do my thing and try to stay as sane as I can.

Most of the grand narratives out there don't hit the same when your issue is with human nature, or nature in general. At least, that's been my experience. To most others it's probably the other way around.

I wish I had blind faith that would allow me to rationalize everything, or that I were a staunch materialist who thought there's nothing behind everything. I had become used to expecting nothing from anyone or anything including life. Just went through the motions, day by day, then I made the mistake of not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Ending up worse for it. The other times I thought of checking out weren't serious because somehow there was always a closet optimist in there. That things would work out, nothing grand. Just to live a normal life knowing the pains of that life were tolerable.

I'm sorry you're going through this, friend. I can't be certain what you're experiencing and how my experience might or might not relate, but it sounds like there may be at least some common points. I've really struggled to find any kind of consolation in the religion / spirituality / philosophy that seems to work for so many people. I'm also drawn to the use of "this person"—I wonder if we share a similar outlook when it comes to consciousness and its relation to causality, identity, etc.

In any case, it seems like you're under the weight of an excruciating amount of anxiety. I don't know that anything I can say would be helpful, but I'm willing to listen if you'd like to say more.

Please share with me, I'd be glad to share with you. Here or wherever you'd prefer. It's just a lot. Trying to condense the sum total of this life experience into even a few pages is seemingly impossible. But I could start from the perspective in more recent years. I looked at my own post history, not remembering I had posted before. How naive I was. It was easy to rationalize everything then, now it's impossible. Like every time I thought I found the bottom, I had to be shown that I hadn't come close. I don't have any diagnoses apart from the typical depression and anxiety that is entirely causal and now I would take a chemical lobotomy if I could.

 

[yotaka]

Please share with me, I'd be glad to share with you. Here or wherever you'd prefer. It's just a lot. Trying to condense the sum total of this life experience into even a few pages is seemingly impossible. But I could start from the perspective in more recent years. I looked at my own post history, not remembering I had posted before. How naive I was. It was easy to rationalize everything then, now it's impossible. Like every time I thought I found the bottom, I had to be shown that I hadn't come close. I don't have any diagnoses apart from the typical depression and anxiety that is entirely causal and now I would take a chemical lobotomy if I could.

Yeah... it's hard to know where to start or how to put things into words that make sense.

I guess to pick up on something you mentioned, I've had my own journey of searching for the "bottom" only to find that, as I phrased it in a shitty poem I wrote a long time ago, every thread leads nowhere. I grew up religious, so maybe the contrast makes things more unbearable: I went from a reality where everything was simple and assured to one where there is nothing to hold on to.

Sorry, I don't think I'm coherent enough today to convey much. I'll see if I can gather some thoughts and try again another time.

In the meantime, though, I'm curious if there was any sort of inciting incident that led to your current state. In your original post, you mentioned it happening "overnight"... Did you mean this literally?

Also, hell yeah depression+anxiety club buddies. If you're up for sharing, I'm curious how you feel about those as a diagnosis.

 

[carbanak]

Yeah... it's hard to know where to start or how to put things into words that make sense.

I guess to pick up on something you mentioned, I've had my own journey of searching for the "bottom" only to find that, as I phrased it in a shitty poem I wrote a long time ago, every thread leads nowhere. I grew up religious, so maybe the contrast makes things more unbearable: I went from a reality where everything was simple and assured to one where there is nothing to hold on to.

Sorry, I don't think I'm coherent enough today to convey much. I'll see if I can gather some thoughts and try again another time.

In the meantime, though, I'm curious if there was any sort of inciting incident that led to your current state. In your original post, you mentioned it happening "overnight"... Did you mean this literally?

Also, hell yeah depression+anxiety club buddies. If you're up for sharing, I'm curious how you feel about those as a diagnosis.

Yes overnight, a breakup. Unfortunately it's not about one person, but the trust in life or whatever. It would legitimately have been easier if they had died, selfish as it sounds. I had genuinely changed, myself, my perspective, even when everything else was objectively not going well I still had so much gratitude. What also makes it worse is it was entirely unnecessary, especially at this time. Not black and white, I could have stopped it if I'd been aware enough. I'd given up and chose to trust someone, something that was serendipitously put in my life. For the first time in my life, in or outside of any relationship, I thought I knew something. Once the initial shock wore off, I've been frozen. No ability to rationalize this time. Instead of improving it seems like each day the same dread is there. Screaming that I went irreversibly wrong somewhere or that it's just punishment. Either way, that something or everything is off like I'm in the twilight zone. I didn't lean on this person either. Quite the opposite. In no practical way were they a solution to any problem I had prior. I gave so much without question, as if it wasn't a choice and it just felt like I was giving myself more. I wish I could convince myself I made everything up and there's better waiting, however you normally rationalize. I can't. The physiological reaction I've never felt before, much less with this endurance.

The diagnoses are just standard. No mystery behind them. Shitty quality of life with seemingly no prospects as the world continues to go downhill. I know many alive have it worse, that doesn't help of course. Suffering is relative. I was used to that.