Freaknik
Member
- Nov 12, 2023
- 15
It's been over two years since I last posted on this site, though I've still been visiting the forum on and off during that time. For anyone that cares, and to give myself an outlet of expression, I'll post what has happened to me in the time I've been quiet on this forum. Everything I write (and have already written) is pure stream of consciousness.
I've still been struggling with my body dysmorphia and the thoughts regarding my appearance. It is my main reason for catching the bus, as this shell I'm forced to walk around in doesn't represent who I am on the inside. I have jaw issues that have impacted me since puberty, so I've been looking to correct them. I used to look normal, but my charm, charisma, and easy-going nature were all stripped away from me once these jaw issues become apparent during puberty. This self consciousness has eaten away at me over the years, and it's become harder to wrestle with.
About a year ago, I landed a job at a daycare. I actually enjoy kids, so I've had fun working with them. I've managed to create some meaningful connections, and I've learned things about myself from this position. I mainly work with the preschoolers, who are fun because you can joke with them and talk to them like they're tiny adults. This job speaks to me because I'm actually creating bonds and not just performing menial tasks. I figure I can actually make a positive impact on some lives, especially if I'm going to leave this place soon.
While the kids have uplifted my spirits, I cannot say the same about the other workers. The teachers in my room are very nice, but the other people in the building are awful. It's given me a new perspective on how two-faced, deceitful and egotistical some individuals can be. Some can't even muster up the smallest ounce of respect or gratitude towards others. A few workers are so adamant that their way is correct, and some of them scream at the kids. I see through most of those types of people, and I don't buy into the games that the manipulative workers play. It's disheartening that most people around me are emotionally ignorant, lack any self awareness, and are complete a-holes.
Despite some good times, and the joy the kids have brought me, I'm still the same depressed, anxious, and hopeless person I was two years ago. I have a tight set of goals to keep me pushing, but I doubt I'll reach a point in my life where I can look back on the suffering and say, "It was hard, but I got through it, and it was worth it." I'd like to peruse my creative endeavors (music, designing, writing), improve my appearance the best I can (or at least silence some of the insecurities), further my career in childcare and maybe dare and marry. I know the latter sounds stupid and generic, but it's something I think would help me.
I'll wrap it up here, and I thank anyone who actually read this post in its entirety. I'll probably post on and off again, and keep venting like I did here. Thank you to the people in this community and those who keep this forum up and running. Cheers to you all!
I've still been struggling with my body dysmorphia and the thoughts regarding my appearance. It is my main reason for catching the bus, as this shell I'm forced to walk around in doesn't represent who I am on the inside. I have jaw issues that have impacted me since puberty, so I've been looking to correct them. I used to look normal, but my charm, charisma, and easy-going nature were all stripped away from me once these jaw issues become apparent during puberty. This self consciousness has eaten away at me over the years, and it's become harder to wrestle with.
About a year ago, I landed a job at a daycare. I actually enjoy kids, so I've had fun working with them. I've managed to create some meaningful connections, and I've learned things about myself from this position. I mainly work with the preschoolers, who are fun because you can joke with them and talk to them like they're tiny adults. This job speaks to me because I'm actually creating bonds and not just performing menial tasks. I figure I can actually make a positive impact on some lives, especially if I'm going to leave this place soon.
While the kids have uplifted my spirits, I cannot say the same about the other workers. The teachers in my room are very nice, but the other people in the building are awful. It's given me a new perspective on how two-faced, deceitful and egotistical some individuals can be. Some can't even muster up the smallest ounce of respect or gratitude towards others. A few workers are so adamant that their way is correct, and some of them scream at the kids. I see through most of those types of people, and I don't buy into the games that the manipulative workers play. It's disheartening that most people around me are emotionally ignorant, lack any self awareness, and are complete a-holes.
Despite some good times, and the joy the kids have brought me, I'm still the same depressed, anxious, and hopeless person I was two years ago. I have a tight set of goals to keep me pushing, but I doubt I'll reach a point in my life where I can look back on the suffering and say, "It was hard, but I got through it, and it was worth it." I'd like to peruse my creative endeavors (music, designing, writing), improve my appearance the best I can (or at least silence some of the insecurities), further my career in childcare and maybe dare and marry. I know the latter sounds stupid and generic, but it's something I think would help me.
I'll wrap it up here, and I thank anyone who actually read this post in its entirety. I'll probably post on and off again, and keep venting like I did here. Thank you to the people in this community and those who keep this forum up and running. Cheers to you all!
