Desensitised to Suicidal Ideation

[NZkiwi]

A bit tired from appointment today with my mental health team


The mental health team made a point that I'm desensitied to suicidal ideation, and that's not "healthy"
Hence normalisation
Hence making plans and attempts become "easier"

Was a novel idea to me... guess I've just been used to it ....
And that's what they said was a warning sign...

What are your experiences with this?
Can I re-senitise myself "like a normal person"

It's no longer a "danger" sign for me....

sorry just very tired today
will try to reply to any replies here when I have a bit more energy

hope you are well <3

 

[never mind me]

I have been desensitied to suicidal ideation for a very long time (like 20 years), but as I don't do therapy nobody can tell me that it is unhealthy. Honestly I don't care about it. The point is: Even if for some reason I decide to ctb on impulse (which is very unlikely, because I am not an impulsive person and I have never made an attempt despite suffering from chronic suicidality for years) it wouldn't really matter in my opinion. Once I am dead I can't be sad or angry about being dead. And sooner or later I will die anyway. I don't have children, so it makes no difference, if I die a few years later or a few years sooner.
For now I think I am not going to ctb as my life was pretty decent the last 15 years or so and I only became suicidal again due to health issues that are improving right now. But I wouldn't mind if I die by suicide eventually, in fact I hope that I manage to ctb before my life gets too unbearable due to sickness or old age and I am no longer physically able to ctb. So I don't see being desensitied to suicidal ideation as a danger sign at all. For me this is just the way my brain functions. I don't mind. I don't want to change. Why should I? Just because normies think I should be different?
So the question is why are you worried about it? Just because someone tells you the way you think is wrong? Or because you sincerely wish to think differently? The only scenario where I can understand that someone sees their being desenitied to suicidal ideation as a danger is, if they are a) sure they want to continue living and b) at the same time are prone to impulsive actions. In this case there might be a risk of committing during an emotional crisis. I don't see this risk for me as I am not impulsive. And as mentioned before due to my nihilistic world view I don't think it matters how long I live. Despite all of this there were lengthy times when I was really happy to be alive and quite grateful for my life. But that doens't seem to change the fact that I can easily go back to being suicidal when something bad happens.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I was literally thinking about starting a thread about desensitisation!! Not so much to analyse it but in a way to try and help make myself simply more aware/conscious of where it comes in. I'm not sure what I want to achieve, or what to do about it. But trying to maybe metaphorically give myself a slap to remember this isolated bubble with access to sasu needs more careful awareness. Some ideas so far to try to break it down maybe, here's a bit of a list of the things I personally need to try and be more wary of.


* over familiarisation with methods to the point of mentally 'correcting' or judging possible attempts or discussions of attempts
* lack of sadness/any emotion on seeing goodbye threads or last stage planning discussions
* lack of any emotion on seeing 'attempt failed' posts
* passing judgement out in day-to-day life of opportunities - e.g mentally noting what items are stocked in which DIY type stores.
* Finding intrusive thoughts about maybe things like jumping into traffic no longer scary because I know I can't do it because it just would most likely cause injury and upset and trauma and unlikely death.
* Assuming these understandings and rhetoric are much more familiar in society than they are - forgetting that a few thousand registered users plus a few thousand lurkers WORLDWIDE is nothing in the grand scheme of the population
* feeling like most mental health support or psychological care is more harmful than beneficial (maybe with the exception of acute psychosis events or similar extremes).


I guess I find it frustrating that the above are maybe side effects of pushing through scrolling here in the search for those rare threads/posts/users who I really resonate with to help find words to communicate/articulate (Sasu has been incredibly valuable in helping me learn a bit more in how to express things). I also know that some of these thoughts and feelings (or lack of) were very much in existence BEFORE I was logging on here, or even lurking before that. Bit of chicken and egg - was a I drawn here because the desensitisation due to my own thoughts meant this felt a familiar place, or have I grown these desensitisations after exposure to said group think/echo chamber.

Saying the above, I do feel uncomfortable with the rate and number of users who seem to post frantically for a relatively short period of time and who I suspect are young. I don't have much emotion around it, but there is a deep down acknowledgement of discomfort and awkwardness which means I don't want to label it as a desensitisation.

Keen to hear other's inputs.

 

[LRkin]

What are your experiences with this?

It started like fifteen years ago or something, so I don't even remember how to feel "healthy" about the idea of SI. And I definetely can't remember at which point I stopped thinking about SI as something weird. But I do notice that when I mention my SI in presence of normal people or when I joke about CTB they just get uncomfortable. And I don't understand why. It just feels natural.

* lack of sadness/any emotion on seeing goodbye threads or last stage planning discussions
* lack of any emotion on seeing 'attempt failed' posts

Relatable. When I read goodbye threads I just get a little bit sad. Like... "Wow. It's a shame I won't be able to talk to this person or become friends with them. It's sad that it had to come to this", but nothing more. And it bothers me a little bit. But it helped me a lot when I was a veterinarian. Like... Patients can die. Sometimes they just can't make through, or sometimes you have to euthanise them. You can't shed tears each and every time someone dies.
But it gets really weird when it comes to people I knew personally. Relatives, classmates, online friends and so on. I just can't mourn them, because I don't feel like mourning.
And yet I feel guilty for not feeling the "right" way.

 

[NZkiwi]

I have been desensitied to suicidal ideation for a very long time (like 20 years), but as I don't do therapy nobody can tell me that it is unhealthy

How do you feel hearing that my mental health team told me it's unhealthy. Do you think being desensitied to suicidal ideation is unhealthy for you as well? Or just me?

Or because you sincerely wish to think differently?

No i'm still ambivilent about ctb

So the question is why are you worried about it? Just because someone tells you the way you think is wrong?

I don't really enjoy short term suffering. This is why I take care of myself day to day. E.g. I eat well, excercise, be with friends
I just I guess ambivelent being around here long term hence my planning/procurement to kill myself (until recent enggement with the mental health team)


Just becasue someone tells you the way I think is wrong? hmmm
No, I think it was just blind spot for me
I have been engaging with therapy (ACT, DBT, CBT, EMDR, meta-cognitive therapy, mindfullness) and that has genuinly brought releif to my immediate and day to day suffering. This was a blindspot to my psyche

I don't see this risk for me as I am not impulsive

I'm glad you're not impulive. Better than me lol, still working on that but it's hard

*****

* over familiarisation with methods to the point of mentally 'correcting' or judging possible attempts or discussions of attempts
* lack of sadness/any emotion on seeing goodbye threads or last stage planning discussions
* lack of any emotion on seeing 'attempt failed' posts
* passing judgement out in day-to-day life of opportunities - e.g mentally noting what items are stocked in which DIY type stores.
* Finding intrusive thoughts about maybe things like jumping into traffic no longer scary because I know I can't do it because it just would most likely cause injury and upset and trauma and unlikely death.
* Assuming these understandings and rhetoric are much more familiar in society than they are - forgetting that a few thousand registered users plus a few thousand lurkers WORLDWIDE is nothing in the grand scheme of the population
* feeling like most mental health support or psychological care is more harmful than beneficial (maybe with the exception of acute psychosis events or similar extremes).

Preach.

I'm going to get flamed for this, so mods feel free to remove if breaks policy
I'm going to preface this with, I am pro-choice and this is my opinion
And I'm going to preface this, this is a safe space (clearly) and people have found comfort in not feeling alone in their thoughts here

There was a thread on this website talking about "dismantling the allegations we're pro suicide"

I think the intentions on the users of Sasu are pro-choice
I have found this forum so helpful in being a safe space, and I will be a continued
I think we cannot deny the impact of SaSu is both recovery and users ending their life from means they discovered here

In the academic literature, normalisation/desentisation of suicidal ideation is a "risk"/contributing factor for people to take their own lives

have I grown these desensitisations after exposure to said group think/echo chamber.

Yeah it's just "maladaptive" exposure therpy
When I disected cadavas in university, after a couple years of being exposed to cutting open dead people you kind of just get used to it
Also the folmadohyde in the air made me very hungry lol which wasn't nice haha

Probably same here

I am staying on SaSu cause the recovery side is actually quite helpful for me at my current stage
Not currently engaging with the suicide discussion forums as I think it won't be helpful given the safety plan I agreeded with my mental health team


****

But I do notice that when I mention my SI in presence of normal people or when I joke about CTB they just get uncomfortable. And I don't understand why. It just feels natural.

Do they know you have suicidal ideation?

If they do, they might be imagining you are low key being serious and they don't know what to do /feeling powerless/sad/frightened?

If they don't, they might be reflecting their own thoughts and thinking about their own experience .

Unfortunately, we can't read minds (yet)
Would you considering asking them what they're thinking and report back to us? I'll try do the same

 

[never mind me]

How do you feel hearing that my mental health team told me it's unhealthy. Do you think being desensitied to suicidal ideation is unhealthy for you as well? Or just me?

It is what is to be expected from a mental health team, I guess. They are supposed to keep people alive at all costs. So I don't have any strong feelings about it.

It depends how you define unhealthy: If you mean that it decreases my well being or even causes me to be mentally ill, I don't think that being desensitied to suicidal ideation is unhealthy for me. I think it would be more unhealty for me to try and fight it, because this would feel unnatural and stressful and the knowledge that I can escape life, if I really want to reassures me. Actually when I felt bad in the past even briefly and didn't have a method available I panicked and only calmed down enough to cope with the problem at hand after making sure I have an option for ctb. I have experience with therapy (although it was 20 years ago) and even back then I didn't like their approach that you should completely give up suicide as an option and stop self harm. Nonetheless I tried, because I thought maybe they know better than me, but this made my life a lot worse, because in the end I didn't self harm any more, but felt completely numb and therefore didn't want to live at all.
After that I decided to do things my own way and that included not fighting self harm or suicidal ideation, but just to ensure that I limit the damage. So there are a few rules for me: I can self harm as much as I like, but I do it only in spots that can easily be hidden and in a way that doesn't require me to get medical attention. I can commit suicide for whatever reason, if I feel like it. But if I decide to do so it has to be with a method and set up that is as certain as possible to cause death, because I don't want to cause myself problems with a failed attempt. And even if I have plans to ctb soon, as long as I don't actually commit in a way that is irreversible I have to continue with my life's obligations in a way that I could still continue my life without any ill effects, if I decide to change my mind.

If you define unhealthy in the way that being desensitied to suicidal ideation makes it more likely that I may ctb at some point in life ( even if it is 30 years from now) it is probably the case. But as stated in my previous post I wouldn't mind that.