Today is the first year I spend 4/27 alone since 2016. I never thought I would again, either I'd have friends to celebrate with or I'd be dead.
Well.. I have neither, though I wish I did.
It's dumb, because it's a day that's only important in a fandom, not even anything important like a birthday—and yet... it feels like it to me. I've known it for so long, I've learned English alongside playing it, all my friends were fans of it… I remember waking up everyday to talk on the Discord, I'd spend so much time with them that I didn't even have time for anything else—and I didn't even care.
... now, well... everyone hates me, even the devs of the thing. i was so worried about interacting with them, like any wrong word would just make me want to disappear, and when i finally started feeling safer... it was all taken away.
I can't even say it wasn't my fault. I thought if I disassociated myself from who I was, it wouldn't follow me, but I didn't even realize that it wasn't how it worked. I panicked so much about being alone, I didn't see I was just twisting the blade.
Now I'm alone for good. No matter what I do, even if I go to the end of the world to see a therapist, even if I left this shit country, even if I found what I want, I still wouldn't be unbanned, and I'd never see them again. Not their icons, not their messages, not the jokes. Ever.
I wish I could just die and put an end to this, but freedom and the alone time I need is so far away...
Hopefully I won't live to see the next 4/27. I'd rather be an unconcious vegetable than live to rot away and miss everyone. I don't care if the train isn't likely to kill, or if the building isn't tall enough... I'll die before it.
I'll die before I face any other consequences.