Depths.ph
New Member
- Aug 11, 2023
- 1
Hi, name's Dahlia(fake name) I'm 27, Male, from Portugal, I'm new here and I'm stuck and see no way out...
To better understand my desperate call here's some general info:
Education has always been both easy and hard for me, I'd always be able to get good grades without studying on all but Portuguese, French, and Maths, everything else I'd be scored anywhere from a C+ to an A, but the biggest issue is because of my issues, I failed a couple of years and quit a couple of times, see I'd be a big victim of bullying, earlier in school was because of my obesity and eating disorder, later it was because I autisticly would answer everything and add lots of little random facts about stuff and ask questions that were above what needed to be known, so classmates nicknamed me wikipedia and I hated it, when I came home after certain days i'd wish to not know so many things out of random obcessions, specially when it was a question of understanding concepts but being unable to put them into practice.. In any case I did manage to finish high school on the arts program, and since I wasn't the best at drawing but I still loved arts and in particularly art history my mother edged me to go to collage for archeology, tho that didn't work out for at the time I was really down, had just gotten out of an abusive relationship , and as such I had too strong of a case of social anxiety/temporary agoraphobia, which made me stay home for almost an entire year, but by the end of that year I had or maybe the end of the next year I don't remember well, I had the biggest light in my life and found my soulmate.
Because of my abusive relationship though I was led to believe I was infertile due to my health but that wasn't the case and fast forward to the feb of 2021 we had a child, a little boy and the only reason besides her why I haven't caved in to my suicidal toughts. Still despite having having family conflicts(she and my mom didn't understand eachother, she got really hurt and I as a conflict avoiding person didn't put a stop to it in time which has led to the point of our relationship being really rocky up to this day despite the fact we love eachother imensely) she urged me to take care of my health ant to try and find a career. And I did, I found my passion, photography, I entered a state ran adult formation program in photography and even if things weren't the best at home I was creating and doing what I loved which gave me strength to handle the problems at home, but because the course was state ran it had very strict attendence policies, when my son got sick(nothing serious just the plain things kids get on pre-k) and I had to stay home i got flunked from the particular classes I had to be absent in and since you can't flunk any to finish I was unable to finish and find work I was qualified for. Because of that this year I tried to get in college, but since the over 23 spots are limited and the government forced colleges to slash them recently I couldn't get in, I'm still trying to find an alternative so I can get a diploma since that's the only way I'll be able to get hired despite the silent descrimination...
On the health side.. from 5 to 18yo I was acompanied closely but despite how many diets and how much exercize I did never i got any results, mostly because they didn't ackowledge my eating disorder and other facts besides eating. Mental wise I've only recently been able to get some appointments and they have gone a long way in helping the physical side but now that I finally got obesity appointments again I'm afraid history will repeat again and I'll have no positive developments because doctors might not ackowledge the fact that I don't eat much, even when I went to do an ecg, the technician asked me why I was so fat, and couldn't comprehend despite not having a healthy diet I don't eat much at all, like almost nothing and acused me of lying to them when I insisted i don't eat in excess, just poorly, so I'm not hopeful at all...
Which leads me to right now... I'm unemployed with the responsability of providing for my child, unable to get said job, unable to finish my education because i can't afford private institutions and public ones have had their spots cut because of the government, I can't stay mentally stable because of all these problems, and responsabilities, and the one of the lights in my life, is getting desperate with seeing me suffeer so much which is making our relationship suffer...
I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't want to die but I see no other way out. I need help but the people who do want to help(family) can't do much, the ones who can help either outright don't wanna help due to being so precariously placed on the socioeconomic ladder, or because they don't believe in me. I'm in a spot that one little thing could push me over the edge. I need help... either on the health side or education/employment side... I've suffered all my life in this mediocrity and I can't handle this anymore... I can't... I wanna live, I need to live, I owe it to my partner and son... but I'm so tired of suffering I don't see how that's posible...
What should I do? I don't know anymore... there's this tremendous pressure for me to be strong and patient, but I have all these responsabilities I don't know how to handle, and I'm absolutely overwhelmed... I'm on the edge of the cliff and I don't know what to do anymore, and it seems like the only way forward is to fall to my end...
PS: This is an abridged version, things are more complex than I described them to be but I am not the best at expressing myself and it would be too long for a normal read if I did.
To better understand my desperate call here's some general info:
- I suffer from ADHD(which was only diagnosed last year) and most likely I'm on the spectrum.
- I've only now been formally diagnosed with ARFID(Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake disorder) though it has affected me since before I have memory.
- I started becoming Obese at the age of 3 for no apparent reason since my diet at the time even with ARFID was relatively healthy and I was a really active kid, yet since then I wasn't able to loose way in a significant or permanent way, to the point I now weigh 170kg(374lbs)
Education has always been both easy and hard for me, I'd always be able to get good grades without studying on all but Portuguese, French, and Maths, everything else I'd be scored anywhere from a C+ to an A, but the biggest issue is because of my issues, I failed a couple of years and quit a couple of times, see I'd be a big victim of bullying, earlier in school was because of my obesity and eating disorder, later it was because I autisticly would answer everything and add lots of little random facts about stuff and ask questions that were above what needed to be known, so classmates nicknamed me wikipedia and I hated it, when I came home after certain days i'd wish to not know so many things out of random obcessions, specially when it was a question of understanding concepts but being unable to put them into practice.. In any case I did manage to finish high school on the arts program, and since I wasn't the best at drawing but I still loved arts and in particularly art history my mother edged me to go to collage for archeology, tho that didn't work out for at the time I was really down, had just gotten out of an abusive relationship , and as such I had too strong of a case of social anxiety/temporary agoraphobia, which made me stay home for almost an entire year, but by the end of that year I had or maybe the end of the next year I don't remember well, I had the biggest light in my life and found my soulmate.
Because of my abusive relationship though I was led to believe I was infertile due to my health but that wasn't the case and fast forward to the feb of 2021 we had a child, a little boy and the only reason besides her why I haven't caved in to my suicidal toughts. Still despite having having family conflicts(she and my mom didn't understand eachother, she got really hurt and I as a conflict avoiding person didn't put a stop to it in time which has led to the point of our relationship being really rocky up to this day despite the fact we love eachother imensely) she urged me to take care of my health ant to try and find a career. And I did, I found my passion, photography, I entered a state ran adult formation program in photography and even if things weren't the best at home I was creating and doing what I loved which gave me strength to handle the problems at home, but because the course was state ran it had very strict attendence policies, when my son got sick(nothing serious just the plain things kids get on pre-k) and I had to stay home i got flunked from the particular classes I had to be absent in and since you can't flunk any to finish I was unable to finish and find work I was qualified for. Because of that this year I tried to get in college, but since the over 23 spots are limited and the government forced colleges to slash them recently I couldn't get in, I'm still trying to find an alternative so I can get a diploma since that's the only way I'll be able to get hired despite the silent descrimination...
On the health side.. from 5 to 18yo I was acompanied closely but despite how many diets and how much exercize I did never i got any results, mostly because they didn't ackowledge my eating disorder and other facts besides eating. Mental wise I've only recently been able to get some appointments and they have gone a long way in helping the physical side but now that I finally got obesity appointments again I'm afraid history will repeat again and I'll have no positive developments because doctors might not ackowledge the fact that I don't eat much, even when I went to do an ecg, the technician asked me why I was so fat, and couldn't comprehend despite not having a healthy diet I don't eat much at all, like almost nothing and acused me of lying to them when I insisted i don't eat in excess, just poorly, so I'm not hopeful at all...
Which leads me to right now... I'm unemployed with the responsability of providing for my child, unable to get said job, unable to finish my education because i can't afford private institutions and public ones have had their spots cut because of the government, I can't stay mentally stable because of all these problems, and responsabilities, and the one of the lights in my life, is getting desperate with seeing me suffeer so much which is making our relationship suffer...
I don't know what to do anymore.... I don't want to die but I see no other way out. I need help but the people who do want to help(family) can't do much, the ones who can help either outright don't wanna help due to being so precariously placed on the socioeconomic ladder, or because they don't believe in me. I'm in a spot that one little thing could push me over the edge. I need help... either on the health side or education/employment side... I've suffered all my life in this mediocrity and I can't handle this anymore... I can't... I wanna live, I need to live, I owe it to my partner and son... but I'm so tired of suffering I don't see how that's posible...
What should I do? I don't know anymore... there's this tremendous pressure for me to be strong and patient, but I have all these responsabilities I don't know how to handle, and I'm absolutely overwhelmed... I'm on the edge of the cliff and I don't know what to do anymore, and it seems like the only way forward is to fall to my end...
PS: This is an abridged version, things are more complex than I described them to be but I am not the best at expressing myself and it would be too long for a normal read if I did.
Last edited:
