Venting deciding if tn is the night

[sigh333]

hiii y'all,

mostly writing this for myself in a safe place to externalize this shit, which i'm so grateful for ~

i'm new on the forum (had another account for a lil while last year i don't have access to anymore, didn't post much on that one either).

idk if y'all experience this, but every week for the past like several months has been *the* week. ya know. *the* week to finally just, do it. and then when it comes to it i just don't follow thru. but i know i can't do this shit, this life anymore. i'm grateful for a lot of things ive experienced in this life, but thru decisions / mania / bad fucking luck shit has just gotten unbearable and i don't see if getting any better.

ive gone thru periods of having so many loved ones, of feeling so loved, and periods of really desolate isolation. the isolation period is upon us now and it feels never ending. it feels like i just don't have anything interesting to offer anymore. and that's not all life is about, but it does feel like if i can't give of myself, if i can't contribute, why the fuck am i here. waking up every morning in agonizing despair.

anyway, tonight kinda feels like the night. i know i should be more ~sure~ but the opportunity may not present itself for awhile. i'm at my family home (rip :/) and there are a couple old cars in the back garage, like from the 80s,when they weren't really regulating CO emissions like that. so i'm thinking (i mean imagining every second type thinking) of going there late tonight after everyone is asleep; bringing my comfort items, my music, a blanket and some alc and just starting the car and hopefully falling asleep... (if only i wasn't flagged as a s*bstance user i could still get my benzos :()

ive said some clouded goodbyes (they sound more like "i love you"s) and feeel ... almost ready. what else am i waiting on? my fucking fear of the unknown, of death, of punishment (sigh catholic upbringing) of ____ to go away?? maybe.

anyway, thanks for the space to rant && i wish peace to u all, however that may look <3

 

[SeenMoreThanEnough]

by the sound of your post, it probably won't be. sounds like you still have a lot of loose ends that you're hesitant to leave unresolved. anyways, good luck

 

[MidnightCat]

Hi mate, sorry to hear that out.

May I suggest "leaving it for tomorrow"?

I've had a lot of nights where I've really struggled to not ctb, but I try to always leave it for the next day. And so on.

Catching the bus is something you really need to be sure when you want to do it rather than when it's a good opportunity to do in my honest opinion.

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

I said it on another thread a few minutes ago. I say it again and again. Loneliness, and isolation is a killer. It's destroying me right now.

I hope you find some peace whatever you decide to do. You are your own person, and your decision is entirely your own. Just remember that you don't have to do anything, and not doing anything does not make you some kind of failure.

I wish you the best friend

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that after all going through with suicide isn't always straightforward even if one has a method all planned and prepared, but of course only you know if it's the right time to leave. It does make sense wanting to be gone when you have the opportunity to do so, but anyway I wish you the best of luck.

 

[sigh333]

well i stuck around for now, but am still at the house for a lil longer so we'll see if i decide. the method did start to freak me out a little, reading more n more about long term brain effects of CO if it doesn't kill u. pretty freaky :/

thanks for ur kind words/support y'all <3