Decided on date, now just where and how

[BoneWeary57]

Started yet another job yesterday, everyone was super nice and welcoming...which only made it worse. I realized I just cannot continue to live in a life where I have to fake everything. Have to act happy, interested, competent when the truth is 99.9% of my energy every.single.day is spent trying to keep my head above water..and yesterday I realized, I have no idea why I continue to fight to remain here. Not everything about the world or life sucks, there are some truly beautiful things. Some people seem to have the charmed life or a bubbly personality. I use to be a lot happier, a lot more stable but that was before so much was lost to me. I saw yesterday, with these nice people with their families and careers that my deficits and lack on so many levels...the difference is too glaring to ignore anymore. I'm tired of being tired, shamed, running on empty and yesterday, for the first time truly, it hit me that I have also lost every shred of hope I've held onto.

My date is going to be Oct. 1. I am literally negative in my bank account so I have to wait for a few paychecks so I can order the SN. I am also going to my doctor, ask for Ambien for sleep and something for anxiety so I will have a months worth of both in addition to the SN. I am going to spend the next few weeks writing a note to my spouse as well as listing all the bills so on top of everything he won't have to deal with figuring that out. I am also going to find out about the cremation , cost etc. and hopefully be able to afford to pre pay that as well. I know where I want my ashes so now..its only matter of time.

 

[Themogger]

A lot can happen in a month. Goodluck!

 

[Kalista]

leave well when you get there

 

[uglyugly]

I realized I just cannot continue to live in a life where I have to fake everything. Have to act happy, interested, competent when the truth is 99.9% of my energy every.single.day is spent trying to keep my head above water..and yesterday I realized, I have no idea why I continue to fight to remain here.

I can so relate to this struggle. I think pretending to fit in and pretending to be happy is exhausting. Good luck no matter what route you take and I hope you can find peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence but anyway I wish you all the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm not clear if the Oct 1 deadline you set has a significance, but since acquiring a method and working out all the details regarding the method end up being the most "work", including where to execute the method, I think I would have worked all that out first before setting a date. That's just me, though. YMMV. I hope everything works out for you the way you desire and that you find your peace. Also, kudos to you for wanting to get affairs in order first.