Debating - to catch the bus or wait

[wantingdignity]

I'm less in the pit of despair now, but I still want to die.

I gave myself until April 25th to see if things will get better. I've been trying everything and I am actually getting better, at least a little bit. But I still want to die. It all seems so exhausting and awful.

Do I push the date, or just give in? I went to the top of seven stories the other day. I looked down. I decided to wait. I didn't want my roommate to be stuck with the lease. I didn't want people to find my overly honest journals. I didn't want to scar my ex so close to our breakup, even though he dumped me because I was suicidal. I decided to try treatment and wait. The roof would still be there tomorrow.

I have to actually decide at some point, I think. I am getting better too slowly because I still want to die and had decided to. I don't want to get better and am fighting it. I'm still in a lot of deep emotional pain. I still feel like living isn't necessarily for me anymore.

I'm out of work for PTSD. So many people that I know are dead now. My government is doing evil things. My partner of 8 years left me when I begged him to fucking care that I wanted to die. I can't afford my own rent now and am just eating fucking peanut butter as a meal so I can make as much of my bill as I can. On April 26, it will be one month since I was dumped and one year since my partner violated my consent. I stuck with him through so much shit and he dumped me when I needed him.

I'm really struggling. Everything hurts. I don't want to get better. Is anyone else feeling like this?

 

[pretentioussuika]

If you're not sure, then you should wait. It's that simple.

 

[Pr3TTyB1rd]

I'm sorry you're going through all that. Sometimes we don't want to get better because because depressed is all we've ever known. It's like you said, the roof will be there tomorrow. Maybe give yourself some more time and little bit more patience. At the very least, inform your roommate they might need to find another. You can lie about why you're moving and stuff, so that you don't burden them immediately if you do eventually choose to ctb.

I hope things get better for you, though. ^^

 

[Hollowman]

Seven storeys isn't guaranteed to work.

 

[bankai]

You can always catch another bus if you're not sure.

 

[hang in there]

I'm less in the pit of despair now, but I still want to die.

I gave myself until April 25th to see if things will get better. I've been trying everything and I am actually getting better, at least a little bit. But I still want to die. It all seems so exhausting and awful.

Do I push the date, or just give in? I went to the top of seven stories the other day. I looked down. I decided to wait. I didn't want my roommate to be stuck with the lease. I didn't want people to find my overly honest journals. I didn't want to scar my ex so close to our breakup, even though he dumped me because I was suicidal. I decided to try treatment and wait. The roof would still be there tomorrow.

I have to actually decide at some point, I think. I am getting better too slowly because I still want to die and had decided to. I don't want to get better and am fighting it. I'm still in a lot of deep emotional pain. I still feel like living isn't necessarily for me anymore.

I'm out of work for PTSD. So many people that I know are dead now. My government is doing evil things. My partner of 8 years left me when I begged him to fucking care that I wanted to die. I can't afford my own rent now and am just eating fucking peanut butter as a meal so I can make as much of my bill as I can. On April 26, it will be one month since I was dumped and one year since my partner violated my consent. I stuck with him through so much shit and he dumped me when I needed him.

I'm really struggling. Everything hurts. I don't want to get better. Is anyone else feeling like this?

I'm so sorry. Waiting is hell but sometimes for our obligations or privacy or other things we are forced to wait. What a cruel joke.

 

[PrismHon]

I looked down. I decided to wait. I didn't want my roommate to be stuck with the lease. I didn't want people to find my overly honest journals. I didn't want to scar my ex so close to our breakup, even though he dumped me because I was suicidal. I decided to try treatment and wait. The roof would still be there tomorrow.

Absolutely feel this part. If you did put off the date till later though, that would still leave your roommate stuck with the lease, and your ex would still be scarred right?

There are a few things in my life in this kinda vein, and some of the things I can do something about (like for your journal, you can dispose of it so nobody finds it) and other things I would want to do something about, but won't because I'm too lazy/depressed/whatever. And so with those things, they start out as deterrents, but for me they have slowly fizzled away until they become "fuck it, will ctb anyway" that's what it feels like to me anyway.