Debating if suicide is what I truly want to do, I need help

[Ayeitsalaska]

I get extremely serious about suicide then the next day I feel okay so I don't. I feel like I'll fufill my purpose then i don't. I'm suicidal most days out of the week if not every day of the week. I feel extremely alone, I have a passion to help animals and people who are deeply suffering but I cannot help myself. I really need an unbiased person to talk too. someone that won't convince me to live but won't convince me to die too. I don't want to bring my friends down. I just need people to help me think clearly because my mind is convincing me I want to die and is trying to kill me. right now im thinking of killing myself this weekend but i have a hard time following through. im in this consistent state of psychological torment . i dont really know what i want i guess because sometimes i want a gun and some days i want to change the world.
i guess what im trying to say is i just need support and help making descions because im not sure if i want this to end or if i am strong enough to continue.
I want to control my mind more than anything. I would rather control my thoughts, emotions, and all my choices than win the lottery.

If you have a powerful mind, you can do literally anything. Suffering becomes a choice I just don't feel like i'll ever be able to control my mind.

 

[Rugnificent]

I'd recommend just let it play out. You've got nothing to lose sticking around until you're 100% about your decision. No one can really make that decision but you. I struggled for a while and finally Im confident I do want to ctb. What ever you choose just be certain. I can talk anytime you need.

 

[pole]

I get extremely serious about suicide then the next day I feel okay so I don't. I feel like I'll fufill my purpose then i don't. I'm suicidal most days out of the week if not every day of the week. I feel extremely alone, I have a passion to help animals and people who are deeply suffering but I cannot help myself. I really need an unbiased person to talk too. someone that won't convince me to live but won't convince me to die too. I don't want to bring my friends down. I just need people to help me think clearly because my mind is convincing me I want to die and is trying to kill me. right now im thinking of killing myself this weekend but i have a hard time following through. im in this consistent state of psychological torment . i dont really know what i want i guess because sometimes i want a gun and some days i want to change the world.
i guess what im trying to say is i just need support and help making descions because im not sure if i want this to end or if i am strong enough to continue.
I want to control my mind more than anything. I would rather control my thoughts, emotions, and all my choices than win the lottery.

If you have a powerful mind, you can do literally anything. Suffering becomes a choice I just don't feel like i'll ever be able to control my mind.

those who are broken often spend time fixing others because they simply cant be fixed. you sound like you have so much you wanna do, so much good, whether it be helping people going through it or animals. someone who genuinly wants to dedicate their time in helping is flat out amazing in my books.

like i tell everyone, dont keep things to urself. pour whatever you feel out, dont keep ur emotions and what you feel inside; itll just drive you crazy and you'll feed urself these things that arent true at all.

im all ears if you need someone to talk to, and i definitely think others are as well. hope you find peace.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I get extremely serious about suicide then the next day I feel okay so I don't. I feel like I'll fufill my purpose then i don't. I'm suicidal most days out of the week if not every day of the week. I feel extremely alone, I have a passion to help animals and people who are deeply suffering but I cannot help myself. I really need an unbiased person to talk too. someone that won't convince me to live but won't convince me to die too. I don't want to bring my friends down. I just need people to help me think clearly because my mind is convincing me I want to die and is trying to kill me. right now im thinking of killing myself this weekend but i have a hard time following through. im in this consistent state of psychological torment . i dont really know what i want i guess because sometimes i want a gun and some days i want to change the world.
i guess what im trying to say is i just need support and help making descions because im not sure if i want this to end or if i am strong enough to continue.
I want to control my mind more than anything. I would rather control my thoughts, emotions, and all my choices than win the lottery.

If you have a powerful mind, you can do literally anything. Suffering becomes a choice I just don't feel like i'll ever be able to control my mind.

I recommend that you get the self authoring program to learn what you really want to do with your life. https://www.selfauthoring.com

 

[Letmego. Please]

I know i will get flack for this here, but you sound like you would benefit from some kind of support, whether that be a diagnosis that allows you to understand how you see & interact with the world, or some way of supporting you through what seems like wild swings in your mood.
Sometimes just understanding who you are can help with the feelings you are having.

You sound like a good kid (no insult intended, I'm just old) who has no doubt been through plenty of shit, but who still has dreams, hang on to them, find ways to do what will make you happy. But most of all. Don't try to kill yourself & if possible spend less time here where fantasising about death is kinda a big thing.

And good luck.

 

[Fish Face]

I recommend that you get the self authoring program to learn what you really want to do with your life. https://www.selfauthoring.com

I identify with the poster. I clicked on your link. I looked on it. You have to pay. Lots of people on this site cannot pay that amount of money, especially for something that might turn out to be snake oil. It just does not seem to be something that would help. Lots of people on this site have tried and tried already before. I haven't looked but it has probably got fake reviews and all that. They always have. You can pay an Indian or Nigerian (not meant as racism, just a fact of economics) or whatever to give you a good review for a couple of rupees or whatever. It just seems like EVERYONE is schilling something or recommending something for so little money because they are desperate. Help should come from NHS or socialised medical care where it is available or through insurance in US just as the same for a medical disease which could threaten your life. However you have paid for it you have paid enough. I am not sure about George JL as a moderator. Moderators should not be trying to sell things. Ban me if you want but do you have any real proof that this works, GeorgeJL? Is this just another MLM dodgy scheme, the type that is posted over Facebook and other social media constantly? You have posted very little and sorry if I am cynical but you have just gone in after a couple of posts with a link to a company that charges for little more than free apps can do. If this is an attempt to get revenue in I would rather have adverts than this and I think most members would. I don't want people scammed and I do not want people scammed especially if they are in a vulnerable and desperate state. If you ban me I will report you as being outside of the aims of this website. This website is to help and support people, whether they want to live or die, not take their money. I understand that you are trying to "clean up" but this is not the answer. The answer is to give support to each other. This is exploitation of vulnerable people. If you cannot actually post PROPER evidence you should take that recommendation down. That is the standard for medication and other therapy that is available through healthcare systems throughout the first world and I do not think it should be any different for this. This website is going downhill. It has been a lot of support to me. I do not want it to become yet another website for selling useless stuff which exploits people which is the direction it seems to be going in, which defeats the point of the exercise in the first place.

 

[Dead beat dad]

I get extremely serious about suicide then the next day I feel okay so I don't. I feel like I'll fufill my purpose then i don't. I'm suicidal most days out of the week if not every day of the week. I feel extremely alone, I have a passion to help animals and people who are deeply suffering but I cannot help myself. I really need an unbiased person to talk too. someone that won't convince me to live but won't convince me to die too. I don't want to bring my friends down. I just need people to help me think clearly because my mind is convincing me I want to die and is trying to kill me. right now im thinking of killing myself this weekend but i have a hard time following through. im in this consistent state of psychological torment . i dont really know what i want i guess because sometimes i want a gun and some days i want to change the world.
i guess what im trying to say is i just need support and help making descions because im not sure if i want this to end or if i am strong enough to continue.
I want to control my mind more than anything. I would rather control my thoughts, emotions, and all my choices than win the lottery.

If you have a powerful mind, you can do literally anything. Suffering becomes a choice I just don't feel like i'll ever be able to control my mind.

Hello friend, what a brave and candid post. I think that deep down a lot of people can relate to this.
Are you able to explain what it was that put you in the position you are now, for example some people CTB because they have seemingly inescapable debt.
This doesn't sound like it's the case for you though.
What is it that makes you want to die? On the good days, what in the world do you want to change?
A dream is just a plan that isn't written down.

 

[Solongthx4theshoes]

I recommend that you get the self authoring program to learn what you really want to do with your life. https://www.selfauthoring.com

Are you familiar with Dr.JP? I know he had a lot to do with this program? I listened to his lectures and speeches heavily last year and took much of his advice to heart, although things didn't work out to well. I agree with much of what he says but I find much of advice lacking lately. I'd love to have a conversion concerning the program etc if you like to PM me.

 

[Taki]

You should seek help first, and it should be professional in-person help, not something online. Good luck.

 

[GeorgeJL]

I identify with the poster. I clicked on your link. I looked on it. You have to pay. Lots of people on this site cannot pay that amount of money, especially for something that might turn out to be snake oil. It just does not seem to be something that would help. Lots of people on this site have tried and tried already before. I haven't looked but it has probably got fake reviews and all that. They always have. You can pay an Indian or Nigerian (not meant as racism, just a fact of economics) or whatever to give you a good review for a couple of rupees or whatever. It just seems like EVERYONE is schilling something or recommending something for so little money because they are desperate. Help should come from NHS or socialised medical care where it is available or through insurance in US just as the same for a medical disease which could threaten your life. However you have paid for it you have paid enough. I am not sure about George JL as a moderator. Moderators should not be trying to sell things. Ban me if you want but do you have any real proof that this works, GeorgeJL? Is this just another MLM dodgy scheme, the type that is posted over Facebook and other social media constantly? You have posted very little and sorry if I am cynical but you have just gone in after a couple of posts with a link to a company that charges for little more than free apps can do. If this is an attempt to get revenue in I would rather have adverts than this and I think most members would. I don't want people scammed and I do not want people scammed especially if they are in a vulnerable and desperate state. If you ban me I will report you as being outside of the aims of this website. This website is to help and support people, whether they want to live or die, not take their money. I understand that you are trying to "clean up" but this is not the answer. The answer is to give support to each other. This is exploitation of vulnerable people. If you cannot actually post PROPER evidence you should take that recommendation down. That is the standard for medication and other therapy that is available through healthcare systems throughout the first world and I do not think it should be any different for this. This website is going downhill. It has been a lot of support to me. I do not want it to become yet another website for selling useless stuff which exploits people which is the direction it seems to be going in, which defeats the point of the exercise in the first place.

Oh man talk about assumptions. OK first of all what on earth makes you think I am getting paid with a link that isn't even an affiliate link? Let me explain this. In the real world when someone wants to get paid through a link they use a unique ID in the ink so that the website knows that I GeorgeJL send that person there. So the link would look something like this for instance. https://www.selfauthoring.com/pagea...ndOk_gnb2R4QASCQxdQSYMmG_4fwo-wSoAG1uK3MA8gBA

You can do this yourself. Just right click on a google ad and then copy the link address. Then paste it and you will see a very unique address. So obviously I am not getting paid to recommend them.

Secondly, why do you assume that I am preying on OP. What I can't offer my opinion on something that has worked for many people? Do you even know what the self authoring program is about? Do you know who created it? Jordan Peterson the worlds most top influential intellectual and psychologist created it. He has helped more young people especially men get their lives together more so than anyone else in recent history. His talks sell out, his book is the top selling in the world.

I am of course not saying that the self authoring program will work for OP, all I am doing is recommending something that could help as it's helped many others such as myself. If OP has the money and wants to give it a shot then more power to them. If not then that is fine too. All I am saying is that is what I recommend. As far as the money involved. Well it's many times cheaper than paying for a psychologist. So obviously it's worth taking a look at since it's helped so many people.

So next time ask me about it before you make all these assumptions.

EDIT: Even CareOfCell44 knew that Jordan Peterson (JP) created the self authoring program when they posted in this thread here, that is how influential Jordan Peterson is.

 

[ManWithNoName]

I know i will get flack for this here, but you sound like you would benefit from some kind of support, whether that be a diagnosis that allows you to understand how you see & interact with the world, or some way of supporting you through what seems like wild swings in your mood.
Sometimes just understanding who you are can help with the feelings you are having.

Well I sure hope you do not get flack for this. It is my understanding (and assumption) that all attempts to recover should be explored—no rock left unturned. That said, it is important to bear in mind that one successful means of recovery for one individual is snake oil for someone else—that the pathway to wellness is a unique pathway for each person. There will be no street sign ahead that will say "This way to recovery" that applies to everyone across the board. This means it will be a bit a somewhat arduous journey, but you owe it to yourself to follow through.

 

[Letmego. Please]

Well I sure hope you do not get flack for this. It is my understanding (and assumption) that all attempts to recover should be explored—no rock left unturned. That said, it is important to bear in mind that one successful means of recovery for one individual is snake oil for someone else—that the pathway to wellness is a unique pathway for each person. There will be no street sign ahead that will say "This way to recovery" that applies to everyone across the board. This means it will be a bit a somewhat arduous journey, but you owe it to yourself to follow through.

Sorry it has taken me a while to log back in & reply.
Thanks, fortunately the folks here were fine with my sometimes attempts to help in a different way (we didn't have the Recovery sub back then) but I'm glad we do now even if it only helps one person it is still worth a go.

@ManWithNoName I hope you are as ok as can be in this place.

 

[Flippy]

I get extremely serious about suicide then the next day I feel okay so I don't. I feel like I'll fufill my purpose then i don't. I'm suicidal most days out of the week if not every day of the week. I feel extremely alone, I have a passion to help animals and people who are deeply suffering but I cannot help myself. I really need an unbiased person to talk too. someone that won't convince me to live but won't convince me to die too. I don't want to bring my friends down. I just need people to help me think clearly because my mind is convincing me I want to die and is trying to kill me. right now im thinking of killing myself this weekend but i have a hard time following through. im in this consistent state of psychological torment . i dont really know what i want i guess because sometimes i want a gun and some days i want to change the world.
i guess what im trying to say is i just need support and help making descions because im not sure if i want this to end or if i am strong enough to continue.
I want to control my mind more than anything. I would rather control my thoughts, emotions, and all my choices than win the lottery.

If you have a powerful mind, you can do literally anything. Suffering becomes a choice I just don't feel like i'll ever be able to control my mind.

Have you talked to a mental health professional about what you are experiencing? You may be suffer from an undiagnosed mood disorder, based on what you've said about switching from wanting to change the world then like giving up. You clearly have a very generous personality in that you help animals etc so you are probably a sensitive altruistic person and it's little wonder that you would feel really low when you take a look at the world. I think you should try to get some sort of therapy to help you make sense of things there are maybe some medicines that can help. I would recommend those things first before seriously considering ctb.