sancta-simplicitas
Member
- Dec 14, 2023
- 67
My life has been a steady nightmare that just increases in frequency by the year. At this point I'm reluctant to tell people because it's so much it sounds unreal. I was (physically, emotionally and mentally) abused by my parents, several teachers in school, classmates (bullying, attempted drowning, assault), misdiagnosed with autism at an early age, misdiagnosed with BPD in my 20's, spent years being emotionally and verbally abused, gaslit, neglected, threathened and at one point almost killed by the mental health service. On top of that I've had not one, but THREE emotionally abusive girlfriends wheras one was also sexually abusive. I got out of the public mental healthcare system in 2021, when I had gotten physically ill from all trauma and saught out a private practicing trauma specialist who I paid out of pocked only to be abused even further. It was gruesome. She blurred the boundaries and eventually begun contacting me in private, she knowingly triggered flashbacks without informed consent, at one point she hypnotized me, also without informed consent. Eventually pushing me to suicidality and when I told her she got furious with me, which made me attempt for the fist time. SI kicked in and I called an ambulance.
It was almost a year ago now and while my life has always been horrid, I'd never imagine it would be this bad. I've developed severe agoraphobia, which I've been trying to treat myself since August last year. Whenever I've made real progress, something has happened that has made me lose it all and end up back on square one. This is the fourth round I've doing and I'm exhausted. I hate it and I wish I didn't have to wake up again. On top of that I have had two infected teeth that has gotten worse over the course of several years, because I've been so terrified of healthcare providers because of what happened to me in the mental healthcare system. A couple of years ago I got a place at a clinic that treats severe dental phobia and I managed to develop enough trust in my dentist that I could fix some of my ruined teeth, but ever since therapy every trauma has gotten worse to the point I can no longer bare it when my dentist is even looking at me. I know what can happen with dental infections, I've already gotten a fever once and had to be on antibiotics another time because it made my jaw go numb. The clinic is absolutely pissed at me for cancelling my appointments so frequently and has already threathened me with referring me out twice, but I don't even know how to get there because of the agoraphobia. Unless a miracle happens, this is eventually going to kill me.
I can't take it. Can't take being locked up in my own home, can't take the shame from having lost my self-independence at age 31. Can't take the constant pressure of knowing that the infections are there, that they might blow up at any time. I don't want to do anymore and every day I increasingly feel as if CTB is my only option. Except, I'm afraid of that too. I really wish I weren't. I wish I could just take the leap. And what's even worse is that there's no one I can talk to about this. Hotlines in my country aren't allowed to contact the police, but they just keep telling me that LiFe iS a giFt and to lOoK aT tHe PoSiTivES and refuse to listen to anything else. My friends wouldn't hestitate on calling the police and there's already so much mental strain on them, I'm worried that if they knew what my situation was like they'd also get ill from stress and I don't want that. I've briefly been in contact with a psychologist - the only one I've dared to even consider talking to and that is under immense stress - but she's reluctant to treat me because we both reckon that there's is too much potential for boundaries blurring given the dynamic between us. She's also expressed concern, said she'd likely have a hard time not to worry about me getting hurt. She doesn't know it's this bad and I worry about the consequences if I told her. There is no way in hell I'm ever going back to a psychiatric facillity in any way, shape or form.
It's a nightmare. I constantly feel trapped; in my home, in my mind, in my body, in my life.
It was almost a year ago now and while my life has always been horrid, I'd never imagine it would be this bad. I've developed severe agoraphobia, which I've been trying to treat myself since August last year. Whenever I've made real progress, something has happened that has made me lose it all and end up back on square one. This is the fourth round I've doing and I'm exhausted. I hate it and I wish I didn't have to wake up again. On top of that I have had two infected teeth that has gotten worse over the course of several years, because I've been so terrified of healthcare providers because of what happened to me in the mental healthcare system. A couple of years ago I got a place at a clinic that treats severe dental phobia and I managed to develop enough trust in my dentist that I could fix some of my ruined teeth, but ever since therapy every trauma has gotten worse to the point I can no longer bare it when my dentist is even looking at me. I know what can happen with dental infections, I've already gotten a fever once and had to be on antibiotics another time because it made my jaw go numb. The clinic is absolutely pissed at me for cancelling my appointments so frequently and has already threathened me with referring me out twice, but I don't even know how to get there because of the agoraphobia. Unless a miracle happens, this is eventually going to kill me.
I can't take it. Can't take being locked up in my own home, can't take the shame from having lost my self-independence at age 31. Can't take the constant pressure of knowing that the infections are there, that they might blow up at any time. I don't want to do anymore and every day I increasingly feel as if CTB is my only option. Except, I'm afraid of that too. I really wish I weren't. I wish I could just take the leap. And what's even worse is that there's no one I can talk to about this. Hotlines in my country aren't allowed to contact the police, but they just keep telling me that LiFe iS a giFt and to lOoK aT tHe PoSiTivES and refuse to listen to anything else. My friends wouldn't hestitate on calling the police and there's already so much mental strain on them, I'm worried that if they knew what my situation was like they'd also get ill from stress and I don't want that. I've briefly been in contact with a psychologist - the only one I've dared to even consider talking to and that is under immense stress - but she's reluctant to treat me because we both reckon that there's is too much potential for boundaries blurring given the dynamic between us. She's also expressed concern, said she'd likely have a hard time not to worry about me getting hurt. She doesn't know it's this bad and I worry about the consequences if I told her. There is no way in hell I'm ever going back to a psychiatric facillity in any way, shape or form.
It's a nightmare. I constantly feel trapped; in my home, in my mind, in my body, in my life.
