Death is just fucking scary - overcoming SI

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

I think the permanence of catching the bus is really starting to sink in for me.

There are times when I feel like I won't be able to make it to my planned date, and it seems agonizingly far away. But then it will seem too close for comfort, despite being decently far into the future.

I really do believe that my story will end with me taking my own life - honestly, I think I've known for a long, long time. I can't explain it but I know, deep in my bones, either sooner than expected or later than planned, that I'm fated to this.

I also have the deep feeling that I'm not much longer for this world. I've battled with my health for years now, and it's whittled away at me - I swear, I can feel myself dying. I am so unwell, these days. I really didn't think that I would deteriorate this quickly, but here I am.

And I realized that no matter how your story ends, you're more likely than not to go out afraid, whether that takes the form of a senior with dementia that can't make sense of anything anymore, or the dazed last moments bleeding out in the aftermath of a crash.
Dying isn't fun, and it's unlikely to be peaceful.

And somehow, knowing that makes it a bit easier to bear.

I think a lot of people view suicide as a choice between life and death - you catch the bus, or you live, either or.
But that's not an entirely accurate way to frame things. You forget that the choice to live still entails an end, albeit deferred. You're not immortal, after all.
You will die. And in those last flashes of consciousness, you will likely be afraid of that gaping void awaiting.

It's scary! Death is scary!
Being afraid is literally the most natural reaction to have when you have confront the fact that you are seconds away from that ultimate finality.

It's okay to be scared! It's not something to be ashamed of.

But don't forget that you will have to confront that fear in the end. You can only run so far from that battle before it inevitably catches you regardless.

I think there is a lot of peace to be found in true, soul-deep acceptance of our own mortality. It's helped calm me and keep my footing when my survival instinct rears up and tries to trample over me.

So far, every time that's happened, I've been able to wrestle it into submission. It's a hell of a fight every time - it is the fight for my life, after all, those are some deeply ingrained preservation instincts - but I feel as if I'm getting the knack of getting matter to align with mind, albeit reluctantly.

Turns out that once you realize that the source of survival instinct is rooted deeply within the fear of death, and you meditate on that and acknowledge that fear for what it is, and find acceptance with it as simply part of the process that we'll all go through when we leave this world, it's quite a bit easier to deal with the survival instinct.

I'm beginning to find true peace and acceptance in these twilight months. I think that at the end of this path, my plan to catch the bus will be something that feels so natural and appropriate that it seems a bit foolish to entertain any other fantasies regarding potential endings. I think that it will be just like stepping off a cliff to find out that you could fly all along, and it will be wonderful and terrifying at the same time, which will just make those final moments so indescribable.

It will take courage, but I'm finding that.

 

[NeverGonnaEscape]

It's interesting to read posts like this because for me, I have zero fear of death. I don't think I've ever feared it. I fear failure, and I fear making my suffering in this life worse, which is mostly why I'm still here. But some folks are still here for completely different reasons and have a whole different journey to CTB. We all eventually reach the same place in the end I suppose.

 

[iloverachel]

I agree that death is scary, but for me, being trapped in an existence i despise and suffering and dying a slow agonizing death over many decades is scarier.

Whatever you do, good luck and hope you thought about it carefully my friend

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best, I imagine it must be a relief to feel more at peace with everything. I've personally always seen death as something very normal as after all we are destined for nothing but to die, no matter what every second is one second closer to death.

 

[DyingToDie123]

I feel this strongly. It never really hits until I'm at the bridge or have pills in my hand or whatever I'm going to do. I think the only way I can successfully attempt is if I tell myself it won't or might not actually work. Even though I definitively don't want to live.

 

[Hotsackage]

I mean the only fear I'd have is for the ones I actually care about. My father passed recently and he look terrified as he was having his last glimpses of consciousness, so I can relate to that extent.

 

[LOVELYDARKDEEP]

I feel this strongly. It never really hits until I'm at the bridge or have pills in my hand or whatever I'm going to do. I think the only way I can successfully attempt is if I tell myself it won't or might not actually work. Even though I definitively don't want to live.

Yeah, I didn't think I had that strong of a survival instinct before my first attempt several years ago. I think our final moments are very equalizing.

I'm honestly grateful to have the opportunity to process these strong feelings ahead of time so I'm better equipped to deal with them at the end.

Empirically I know that I have nothing to live for, and surviving will only give me the dubious gift of a slow, painful decline.

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

What a thoughtful post. Quite engaging.

Why some folks would fear death has always been a concept foreign to me. If I were an atheist, I'd think that when I die, it'd be the same as if everybody else did too.

My first failed attempt was when I was around nine years old. That was before I was taught by the evangelical Christian community that committing suicide was a guaranteed one-way ticket to the biblical hell, but dying naturally--if one has accepted Jesus Christ as one's Lord and Savior--was the way to heaven. At ten years old, I was praying to God in heartrending supplications to take my life.

But I've outgrown that belief a long time ago. My idea of heaven now is more akin to the Hindi/Buddhist version of the afterlife. With this new conception, I look forward to my death ever more so.

 

[UKscotty]

We all fear death so that's natural. Anyone who doesn't fear death has left this life behind.

As for dates, in my view setting dates is very counter productive. It sets us up for a feeling of failure when we don't do it and impending anxiety as time moves on.

Look through how many posts you see about this is my last week, this is my last birthday, I will CTB next month etc etc. Very rarely do people follow through. We can never know when we will be ready, we are ready when we are ready.

Be more gentle on yourself. When it's your time, it will be your time.

 

[Infinitespace_]

dying is easy, living is the real problem