Death as an apology

[lu15007]

Do you ever feel like the only way to genuinely say sorry is by suffering? I am sure many people here do. As if people can only truly forgive you when you are in pain, or after you die.

I have been a self-harmer for as long as I can remember, but it used to be an action of boredom with no thoughts behind it. Recently I have been hurting myself out of guilt, I try to not go overboard so I don't get seen and cause drama, but I feel like it's not enough if i am able to function normally after it. I need to suffer more and more, and the more I punish myself the more it seems I have to suffer.

I think that my apology can never be pure enough if I am able to feel better after being forgiven. So the only way to apologize fully is to die for my mistakes. Only then can I be forgiven without gaining anything from it, only then will my apology be real.

 

[Cage]

Yes, my whole intention with CTB is pretty much to apologize. All my life I've been a useless leech, growing up privileged and sheltered, always being behind others in basically every capacity, never really having a clue, always pissing people off and bringing others down with how incompetent I am. Even worse is that I'm privileged enough to sit here moping about it, enjoying my luxurious life at the expense of the billions of exploited working class people around the world.

I do think death is the only way to truly make up for my parasitic existence, i.e., getting rid of it all together. It would be a concrete net benefit to all those who have had to suffer for me.

I've never had the balls to self-harm but I understand your reasoning for doing that. At the end of the day though I don't think it makes any real difference. When people want you in pain, they generally want it inflicted from an outside source anyway; or at least, have your self-harm brought about by an external force coxing you into doing it.

If you are able to find some good things to do with your life, though, then postponing CTB would be the right thing to do until those things are completed. As for me, I could honestly CTB any day by now; it's just a matter of when I get the courage to do it.

 

[whywhywhy]

I think some people self harm because of two reasons:

The first reason is fear of consequences like when your little brother gets caught doing something bad and hits himself before punishment trying to gain approval.

The second one is because its easier than accepting that their life is mediocre like most other people and that people dont really care that much.

In reality in our minds its better to be the worst person, the one that everyone hates than to accept that people are different and that you have some decent things about you and others worse. Its way less motivating for sure.
Because if you think about it nobody gains nothing by you self harming. You are not doing anything for anyone. Hell most people would feel bad if they knew.

But this is something you understand more as you get older. You know most people dont hate or dislike that much. The reality is worse they just dont give that much of a fuck about you. People live their lives and most will only welcome you as long as they gain something from you.