dealing with the awkwardness of tears

[owarikigan]

i've never been close with my family . i don't talk to anyone. my bond with them has severed, they have neglected me, to put it lightly ; they're a big part of the reason i'm here. and yet they delude themselves that they "love" me because they feel obliged to when they don't even know the slightest bit of my identity nor interests.
w that being said how am i supposed to cope with having to see and hear everyone's cries. my mother's in particular haunts me. i'll never be able to forget her cries when our cat got mauled a few weeks ago. she cried into me just when i moved out of their domestic abuse situation last year (i've since moved back in because of more abuse elsewhere ironically. chose the lesser of two evils) she's a cold, stoic and antisocial conservative woman who never cries, anti-emotion anti-mental health, constantly i am masking. she's gotten mad when i expressed suicidal ideation in elementary school. she's seen my sh scars and the violent art i'd create in my teen years by accident and acts oblivious, simply telling me to be careful; i can't believe someone could be that tone deaf but story of my life basically. but she'd still cry as if there were never warning signs. my father who has mistreated me beyond ways i can begin to explain would cry. it's just not fair. i know i'm curating scenarios in my head right now but it's just the likely outcome. why must i always have to be the one to comfort people in my times of need.

edit: hope i wasn't being too vague but just to clear up yes i mean after potentially failing ctb

 

[kufajoy]

Life sure is unfair. Some of us act like piller of foundation. No one gives attention until it collapse. Stay strong. Hope you feel better

 

[Abort!]

i've never been close with my family . i don't talk to anyone. my bond with them has severed, they have neglected me, to put it lightly ; they're a big part of the reason i'm here. and yet they delude themselves that they "love" me because they feel obliged to when they don't even know the slightest bit of my identity nor interests.
w that being said how am i supposed to cope with having to see and hear everyone's cries. my mother's in particular haunts me. i'll never be able to forget her cries when our cat got mauled a few weeks ago. she cried into me just when i moved out of their domestic abuse situation last year (i've since moved back in because of more abuse elsewhere ironically. chose the lesser of two evils) she's a cold, stoic and antisocial conservative woman who never cries, anti-emotion anti-mental health, constantly i am masking. she's gotten mad when i expressed suicidal ideation in elementary school. she's seen my sh scars and the violent art i'd create in my teen years by accident and acts oblivious, simply telling me to be careful; i can't believe someone could be that tone deaf but story of my life basically. but she'd still cry as if there were never warning signs. my father who has mistreated me beyond ways i can begin to explain would cry. it's just not fair. i know i'm curating scenarios in my head right now but it's just the likely outcome. why must i always have to be the one to comfort people in my times of need.

edit: hope i wasn't being too vague but just to clear up yes i mean after potentially failing ctb

Dann... I feel like I could have written many parts of this post myself. Being put in the position to comfort the people who were supposed to protect you and failed at it can be confusing and guilt-provoking, but that's not something you caused. Take care.