Dealing with guilt | “If you do that you’ll hurt me forever”

[everlastinghistory]

"If you do that you'll hurt me forever" was her response when she first found out I was suicidal. Well, she knew before then, but that was her response when she found out I was actively planning to commit.

I love her and I would never do anything to purposefully hurt her. I dunno I guess I just don't know how to deal with the guilt from this.

I'll be honest I've never actually felt real empathy for anyone before her. She's the only one who's ever meant anything to me. So it's kind of uncharted territory for me to be in this situation. I've never had to deal with any feelings like this before and having to now is overwhelming. Especially considering how extreme the thing I feel bad about is.

I feel trapped. I'm hurting her by staying alive and I'd be hurting her by dying. There's no way to win.

I've set a date now. It's in July 2024. It's the 3rd anniversary of the day we met. I would've made it this year but I can't handle the idea of it being this year right now. I might change it eventually but considering the circumstances I think the guilt would drive me insane even more knowing it was soon. I know eventually it'll be soon, but hopefully by the time July 2024 comes around I'll have found a way to deal with these feelings and the guilt won't bother me as much.

I just don't wanna hurt her. And either way I am. I'm not sure there's a right answer anymore. Maybe there isn't. But then again, whichever would hurt her more has to be wrong, doesn't it? And in the long term me staying would hurt her more…

(I'd just like to clarify she's not the only reason I want to commit. Things have been going wrong in my life since the moment I was born. I swear it was a sign from the universe that I wasn't going to be here long. I almost died in my first few minutes alive).

 

[Looking]

Just to make sure I understand - She's one of the reasons you want to commit suicide? Even if it's not your primary or only reason. I guess I read the OP as that you had strong and positive emotions towards this person (besides the guilt), but at the end, you said "she's not the only reason", so I was curious if you felt negative towards her to some degree. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Either way, I really don't recommend catching the bus on some kind of anniversary. Obviously, it's not my place to say when you do or don't catch the bus, and if that's a date that's meaningful for you, then go ahead with it. I hope that I don't come off impolite with this unwarranted advice. (As I do understand it is unwarranted.) I just think that the person might take it as a sign it might've been revenge motivated to some degree if you do it on some kind of anniversary, and I assume that you care about that person and don't want to hurt them. I mean, either way, they're going to take it hard and so it's more up to you at that point, but still. Thought I would at least mention it in case that was something you wanted to avoid.

In regards to guilt - Guilt is a very strong emotion. It's something that's a struggle, even if you're not suicidal. It's VERY intense. It's not your fault for feeling that way and it's pretty normal in these situations. Though, if possible, you should try to understand that when a person is saying something like that to you - it's because they're scared. It's quite obvious she's scared of losing you, and when people panic like that they tend to say whatever they think would get the person to reconsider. In a way, it's a subconscious way to emotionally manipulate you - which is why it feels kind of bad. But I would try to redirect your emotions and try to understand that it's most likely because she cares about you and just wants you to stay at any cost - and that might make the sting hurt a bit less. Not sure if it does, but it's what helped me when people said uncomfortable stuff to me when I talked about my suicidal ideation.

May I ask how you'd be hurting this person if you stayed alive? Is it just because you'd be miserable and she'd be upset that you're miserable?

 

[everlastinghistory]

Just to make sure I understand - She's one of the reasons you want to commit suicide? Even if it's not your primary or only reason. I guess I read the OP as that you had strong and positive emotions towards this person (besides the guilt), but at the end, you said "she's not the only reason", so I was curious if you felt negative towards her to some degree. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Either way, I really don't recommend catching the bus on some kind of anniversary. Obviously, it's not my place to say when you do or don't catch the bus, and if that's a date that's meaningful for you, then go ahead with it. I hope that I don't come off impolite with this unwarranted advice. (As I do understand it is unwarranted.) I just think that the person might take it as a sign it might've been revenge motivated to some degree if you do it on some kind of anniversary, and I assume that you care about that person and don't want to hurt them. I mean, either way, they're going to take it hard and so it's more up to you at that point, but still. Thought I would at least mention it in case that was something you wanted to avoid.

In regards to guilt - Guilt is a very strong emotion. It's something that's a struggle, even if you're not suicidal. It's VERY intense. It's not your fault for feeling that way and it's pretty normal in these situations. Though, if possible, you should try to understand that when a person is saying something like that to you - it's because they're scared. It's quite obvious she's scared of losing you, and when people panic like that they tend to say whatever they think would get the person to reconsider. In a way, it's a subconscious way to emotionally manipulate you - which is why it feels kind of bad. But I would try to redirect your emotions and try to understand that it's most likely because she cares about you and just wants you to stay at any cost - and that might make the sting hurt a bit less. Not sure if it does, but it's what helped me when people said uncomfortable stuff to me when I talked about my suicidal ideation.

May I ask how you'd be hurting this person if you stayed alive? Is it just because you'd be miserable and she'd be upset that you're miserable?

I don't feel negatively towards her. Or at least for the most part I don't. I'll admit there's a part of me that's mad at her for the fact that she's been in my situation but also doesn't seem to care about it. And by "my situation" I don't mean wanting to commit. I mean loving someone who doesn't love me back. I know she can't control her feelings but more recently she's been a lot less… Nice, about my feelings towards her.

As for the anniversary thing I plan on leaving her a note that clarifies she impacted my choice of location and date but that I would've done it regardless. To be honest I don't even think she remembers what the date we met on was so I doubt she'd notice that. I only know it because I scrolled back in our texts ridiculously far to find our first messages.

As for how I'd be hurting her by staying alive: She doesn't want to keep talking to me. Or at least not the same way she used to. She's said she felt like me caring about her was tying her down and that is not being in contact anymore would make her feel better. That hasn't happened because obviously, she knows I'm suicidal and she knows how attached I am to her so there's an aspect of fear involved. Neither one of us can just walk away without feeling shitty. She'll feel like she's about to cause my death and I'll wanna do something that'll make her actually feel like she caused my death. Doing it before she does anything she could potentially try to blame herself because of seems like the best option.

 

[Looking]

I don't feel negatively towards her. Or at least for the most part I don't. I'll admit there's a part of me that's mad at her for the fact that she's been in my situation but also doesn't seem to care about it. And by "my situation" I don't mean wanting to commit. I mean loving someone who doesn't love me back. I know she can't control her feelings but more recently she's been a lot less… Nice, about my feelings towards her.

Ah, man, that freakin' sucks. I'm sorry that you're in that situation. I've been in similar situations. I guess I wish people were nicer to other people sometimes, even if they don't like them back. Like, she knows that you like her - so I don't know. It just sucks. It's one of those things where there's not much you can do about it, other than address how she's acting is hurting your feelings. And I'm assuming neither of you are in the mental headspace to be having such a conversation anyhow.

As for how I'd be hurting her by staying alive: She doesn't want to keep talking to me. Or at least not the same way she used to. She's said she felt like me caring about her was tying her down and that is not being in contact anymore would make her feel better. That hasn't happened because obviously, she knows I'm suicidal and she knows how attached I am to her so there's an aspect of fear involved. Neither one of us can just walk away without feeling shitty. She'll feel like she's about to cause my death and I'll wanna do something that'll make her actually feel like she caused my death. Doing it before she does anything she could potentially try to blame herself because of seems like the best option.

I see. It's always painful when you're so attached to someone, and it seems like they're just distant emotionally. It's really a hard headspace to be in. I really wish I could provide advice about that, but we both know you can't really change how she feels. Like, I can't provide any advice of how to improve that situation, really. Especially if she's been so blunt and honest with you about it. That's one of my biggest problems with socializing with others, is I always just assume that they don't want to talk to me, but they never say that directly to me. I guess one way to view it is at least you know the truth and that she's been vocal about it. A lot of people never get that kind of honesty. It probably doesn't make it feel any better, though.

May I ask - what about this person has you so attached to her? Like, I know she was your first love and/or someone you just cared about a lot emotionally - but what made her different compared to other people that have interacted with you? Counting you said you've struggled with forms of empathy in the past, I wonder what made her stand out so much to you in this life.

Sorry for all of the questions, by the way. You can always just ignore me if you want. I'm just naturally a curious person and your post kinda struck a cord with me. Though I know I'm probably not helping. I guess I personally feel better when I have someone to talk to me about my situations, so I'm trying to provide that for you, but if it's not something you seek you can let me know and I can bugger off.

 

[its-about-time]

If you would "never do anything to intentionally hurt her," maybe you should consider staying alive as a way of not hurting her. Dealing with the pain of each day in order to spare her a lifetime of guilt and pain. Do it for her for awhile until you find another reason to stay alive.

 

[everlastinghistory]

Ah, man, that freakin' sucks. I'm sorry that you're in that situation. I've been in similar situations. I guess I wish people were nicer to other people sometimes, even if they don't like them back. Like, she knows that you like her - so I don't know. It just sucks. It's one of those things where there's not much you can do about it, other than address how she's acting is hurting your feelings. And I'm assuming neither of you are in the mental headspace to be having such a conversation anyhow.



I see. It's always painful when you're so attached to someone, and it seems like they're just distant emotionally. It's really a hard headspace to be in. I really wish I could provide advice about that, but we both know you can't really change how she feels. Like, I can't provide any advice of how to improve that situation, really. Especially if she's been so blunt and honest with you about it. That's one of my biggest problems with socializing with others, is I always just assume that they don't want to talk to me, but they never say that directly to me. I guess one way to view it is at least you know the truth and that she's been vocal about it. A lot of people never get that kind of honesty. It probably doesn't make it feel any better, though.

May I ask - what about this person has you so attached to her? Like, I know she was your first love and/or someone you just cared about a lot emotionally - but what made her different compared to other people that have interacted with you? Counting you said you've struggled with forms of empathy in the past, I wonder what made her stand out so much to you in this life.

Sorry for all of the questions, by the way. You can always just ignore me if you want. I'm just naturally a curious person and your post kinda struck a cord with me. Though I know I'm probably not helping. I guess I personally feel better when I have someone to talk to me about my situations, so I'm trying to provide that for you, but if it's not something you seek you can let me know and I can bugger off.

Well, before I met her I was already planning to commit. I had a date set, I had accepted that it was my last few months. It was going to be the end and I was okay with that. Then we met and we talked for a while and ended up staying up the entire night that night texting each other as well. We sort of just clicked. We both have kind of "different" personalities from the majority of people. Darker sense of humour, less easily attached to people, less general care towards people… She was relatable. I found comfort in that fact.

Then the date I had set rolled around and I couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't want to stop talking to her. I didn't realize I loved her at the time but I definitely did.

We started talking about me potentially moving closer to where she lives once I'd turn 18 (I wasn't 18 yet when we first met but I was close enough that it wasn't crazy to plan things like that). I was gonna go to university near her. I still kind of want to but high school didn't go so well and I didn't even graduate when I was supposed to so we'll see where that goes… (off topic; sorry). Anyway, she made a lot of comments about the possibility of us dating some day. She told me that if we lived closer it could be possible. Basically lived by "who knows what could happen some day". She seemed open to the idea of us ending up together. And I think that was where it started to get serious. She said things like that and I started thinking of things like that and I realized I really would like to have that type of relationship with her.

When I realized I actually had empathy towards her it was because she was struggling mentally as well and I felt so fucking helpless knowing she felt that way too. I just wanted to do anything I possibly could to make it even a little better. Whenever she'd rant to me about things I couldn't help but get mad at whoever had caused her to be upset. I didn't really understand how much I cared at first but then when it really sunk in was when she mentioned the possibility that we may not be talking anymore by the time I'd be able to move. And then I really started to panic. I spent days crying. Nothing had even happened yet. Nothing happened at all until almost a year after she first suggested that. Everything was fine.

Then randomly one day when I mentioned all that she called me delusional and manipulative and said she had never said anything about me moving being a good idea or about the possibility of us ever being together. I have over a years worth of screenshots of her saying those things. I know she said them. I didn't imagine it. I have proof. And a lot of it.

But yeah I guess that's sort of how I ended up in this mess

 

[Looking]

Well, before I met her I was already planning to commit. I had a date set, I had accepted that it was my last few months. It was going to be the end and I was okay with that. Then we met and we talked for a while and ended up staying up the entire night that night texting each other as well. We sort of just clicked. We both have kind of "different" personalities from the majority of people. Darker sense of humour, less easily attached to people, less general care towards people… She was relatable. I found comfort in that fact.

When the date I had set rolled around and I couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't want to stop talking to her. I didn't realize I loved her at the time but I definitely did.

Do you think it's possible you could care for another person in that manner? Cause, y'know, I guess this place would be a perfect example of how you can find other like minded individuals. Not that I'm advising that you do - socializing is a nightmare (at least for me) and making human connections is hard. I guess I just mean in theory.

How did you two meet, by the way?

Then randomly one day when I mentioned all that she called me delusional and manipulative and said she had never said anything about me moving being a good idea or about the possibility of us ever being together. I have over a years worth of screenshots of her saying those things. I know she said them. I didn't imagine it. I have proof. And a lot of it.

Ugh. What the actual heck? Sorry to hear that. I guess I don't know why you would lie about something like that to begin with. Did you show her the screenshots, or was that not a battle you wanted to fight at the time?

I still kind of want to but high school didn't go so well and I didn't even graduate when I was supposed to so we'll see where that goes… (off topic; sorry)

That's the boat I'm in, too. I wanted to go to university but I can't do math for jack. Not sure how I'm meant to get my AA without any knowledge of math, so I didn't even try to join. I technically finished high school, but I still need to get my GED if I want to further my education either way, so it's kind of a nightmare and kind of makes me wish I just skipped out on school if the end result was a GED either way.... Not sure where you lived, but do you plan to get your GED and/or a GED program equivalent?

 

[everlastinghistory]

Do you think it's possible you could care for another person in that manner? Cause, y'know, I guess this place would be a perfect example of how you can find other like minded individuals. Not that I'm advising that you do - socializing is a nightmare (at least for me) and making human connections is hard. I guess I just mean in theory.

How did you two meet, by the way?



Ugh. What the actual heck? Sorry to hear that. I guess I don't know why you would lie about something like that to begin with. Did you show her the screenshots, or was that not a battle you wanted to fight at the time?



That's the boat I'm in, too. I wanted to go to university but I can't do math for jack. Not sure how I'm meant to get my AA without any knowledge of math, so I didn't even try to join. I technically finished high school, but I still need to get my GED if I want to further my education either way, so it's kind of a nightmare and kind of makes me wish I just skipped out on school if the end result was a GED either way.... Not sure where you lived, but do you plan to get your GED and/or a GED program equivalent?

It's possible but I also highly doubt it. She'll always be in the back of my mind to some extent. It wouldn't even be fair to someone new cause my feelings wouldn't be entirely towards them. In theory I could find someone else but I've settled so much on her that it seems difficult to imagine that I'd ever allow myself to get that close to anyone else.

And we met while she was on an exchange year in school. So we don't actually live in the same country anymore unfortunately… I'm Canadian. She's from France. Whole ocean between us. Kind of inconvenient to say the least.

As for the screenshots I told her I had them but she just kept avoiding the subject. I didn't bother actually sending them because I didn't want to search through my phone at that moment. But I did tell her I had them and she completely ignored that.

And I'm actually okay grades wise in school. I missed too many days to qualify to graduate for a combination of reasons. But GED does exist here. Yes. I'm just not planning on taking that route. Sort of just trying to make sure I don't miss too many classes this year unless I really need to.

 

[don't want it]

Good you partner care because my partner don't give a sht
I cut myself in my neck a few months ago, and I didn't feel that pain. Is the pain more than that? In hanging

 

[Destiny Calls Me]

This was a tough read emotionally and very complex situation, Im sorry for what you both are dealing with. Love makes us do the craziest things, it even blinds us at times.

Only thing I can say is do what you think is best for yourself, it may be selfish but in the end, time heals or time tortures. Pick your poison.