Hi everyone. It's that time of night where I'm feeling especially sad and tired. I feel like I sound super dramatic but things have just been really hard. Like I said in my last post I always feel like I don't really have a reason to feel like this. I know it's my brain making me feel this way and it's not my fault but I can't help but wonder why I have to feel like this. I have an eating disorder, anorexia to be exact. It used to be pretty bad when I was younger, around 12 or 13. I'm 20 now so it's been a while but this year has been pretty terrible. I've fallen back into this habit of restricting my eating. Sometimes I just genuinely forget to eat, but most of the time it's a choice I make. Tonight I had planned on having a FaceTime call with my cousin. I just moved across the country so we only get to talk on the phone. It's a 4 hour difference and we planned on calling around 11pm my time when they got off work. This tends to happen a lot in my friend group, it seems like all my old friends forgot about me since I moved and it's harder to get ahold of each other. I know it's probably not a me problem but it still hurts a lot. When you're counting on that contact and it never happens it can be really devastating. I feel things very deeply and I think I value my friendships deeper than any of my friends do. Tonight I planned on making myself a small meal during this FaceTime call, I find it easier to hold myself accountable when I associate eating with something positive. I told my cousin this but the never read my messages. It's almost 1am now, I haven't eaten and haven't heard from them. It's not their fault and I love them more than anything, that's my blood. But it just hurts a lot when I know I was counting on that talk with them and it never happens. When these things fall through (forcing myself to eat during certain plans), I can't help but feel like it might be a sign that I shouldn't eat. I know that's not true at all but I can't bring myself to eat after something like this. Not really expecting anyone to reply because this is more of an open internet diary entry but it would be cool to know is anyone else is struggling with this. I know I'm not alone but it feels like it sometimes, eating disorders are so shameful and I feel like I can't talk about it normally without the fear of triggering anyone. Anyways, I hope everyone has had an okay night <3
OCDsufferer
no longer human
- Apr 17, 2024
- 56
I'm the exact same though I was for a very long time in denial that I have an ED insisting that those signs to not eat were real signs (and even that, whoever was with me shouldn't eat as well). I feel like the best way to get around this is to get a schedule and stick to it when it comes to eating tho it's so easy to find signs not to eat sigh.
About the friendship thing I was in a similar situation when me and my friends all got different jobs with wildly different schedules. I've come to accept that I get overly attached and I'm too sentimental, and unfortunately most people aren't. Most people can't do long-distance relationships for a reason. It requires tons of effort and people who have an easy time socializing prefer to do so with people readily available such as coworkers and classmates. So, keeping contact will be harder than ever before and it can hurt but if they care about you (which I have no doubt they do) you don't need to destroy yourself about it.
About the friendship thing I was in a similar situation when me and my friends all got different jobs with wildly different schedules. I've come to accept that I get overly attached and I'm too sentimental, and unfortunately most people aren't. Most people can't do long-distance relationships for a reason. It requires tons of effort and people who have an easy time socializing prefer to do so with people readily available such as coworkers and classmates. So, keeping contact will be harder than ever before and it can hurt but if they care about you (which I have no doubt they do) you don't need to destroy yourself about it.
