Day - 5 before leaving : my last day with people.

[LunarLynx]

First, thanks again to people who are reading this and red the last 2 post. Really appreciate it ! (https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/day-6-before-leaving-my-first-goodbye.148048/#post-2308615)

So, I have 2 close friends. I'll name them Chloé and Lisa. So Chloé is a really close friend of mine but she is at the same time very anti-suicidal person, but not in a good way. She just don't like suicidal people so I've never bother telling her I was. And there is this other friends Lisa, she is suicidal and tried to CTB multiple times (without knowledge so it didn't worked out. She tried to OD with paracetamol or other "famous" things that never work).

Now that the base is placed I can start. Since I'll die in a few days I wanted to vent a bit IRL. And since it's a period with a lot of assessment. Everyone is working and couldn't do anything yesterday evening except Chloé. I tried to talk to her about my CTB but she's was like "yeah, you going to kill yourself ? I know more than no one and I know you'll never" and then we joke a bit about it later. But yeah, it was pretty hard to keep up the smile while also saying that I want to leave this word.

And when she left, I was home alone and started talking to Lisa about it. I needed someone IRL to understand me and take me seriously. So I talked to her, she promise me she will not tell anyone, ofc she told Chloé 5 minute after. And that moment Chloe realized that it wasn't a joke.

She went (Chloe) in front of my door and just said "open the door". We talked a lot, why I was doing that, when, etc. I said a lot of lie to her, but couldn't tell her where I'm doing it. And today she spammed me of messages, asking me to call french suicide prevention, which I did and... yeah it didn't helped out ofc.

I lied enough for her to think that my decision has changed and that I don't want to CTB anymore, which is perfect.

Right now I'm on the train going to the place where I'll CTB. It was my last day on everyone's memory since I'll never see a single one of them from now on.

I feel a bit stressed but I'm also really relaxed. It's a really weird feeling.

And btw, I just got a good Idea, some of you may use it and I'll be happy about it.

Since I'll not CTB in my house, and that my friend see where I am (on Snapchat). Whenever I'll go on it I'll put a VPN in an another city like Paris. So even if they call the police or something so find me, I'll not be in the City they'll call. (If I delete my location without any reason it will be suspect) so... yeah.

ps : @Labyrinth. I know I may be young, full of life etc. But I know what I'm doing, itself not just a "phase of loneliness" or anything. It is a decision taken in cold blood and carefully considered for a long time. I will not reconsider this decision.
ps2 : it's still a good console !
ps3 : @h.s.p. thanks you for pointing out one of my other thread ! Appreciate it a lot
ps4 : if some information aren't really clear, don't hesitate to PM me to ask questions!

I hope everyone is having a good day or at least all you plan about recovering/ CTBing is going well

 

[Princess_Kitty]

I wish you the best of luck with everything and you're journey to finding peace.

 

[Necrosis]

I have been invested in your journey, you're a user I keep in mind while off site. It's unfortunate to hear about your friends attitudes on suicide, and the need to lie, but that is just the way it is oftentimes. I hope everything in your plan works out and you find your relief.
Trygge reiser, venn.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find the freedom you search for, best of luck.

 

[Mayonaise]

You're really determined to go through, I see. I'll be with you to wish you bon voyage when the time comes, even though I'll be sorry to see you go.
You don't have to answer if you don't like my question, of course, but: did you leave some kind of note for your loved ones?

 

[Tired_of_myself]

Wish you peaceful journey

 

[Scythe]

May you find peace at the end of your journey, good luck.

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry life brought you to this point. You seem young and i do hope things change for the better to give you a much better life. but If this is a decision you have thought through I wish you all the luck and a smooth ride. Incase I catch the bus and am not here for your last days I hope you can find your peace and freedom

 

[Dliena]

Wishing you peace and freedom from any of your sufferings!

 

[Labyrinth]

@LunarLynx

 

[boddibo]

It's hard to talk about suicide to close and loved ones, of course they wouldn't want you to ctb, of course they would try to make you stay. They love you and they care, of course they'd do that. You're kind of brave, I don't think I could just have 'one last night' with friends knowing I'll ctb in the next few days... Maybe that just means I'm not ready lol. You're still lucky to have people that care about you in the end, I suppose.

I cannot convince myself that your decision was a purely logical and rational one resulting from an objective and calculating analysis of the situation.

You could say that for most suicides, because no one can be fully objective about their own situation, but it's not the place to judge their decision. I believe that you mean no harm when you say things like this... you want to help. I get that, believe me, but you'll learn that when people are resolute, you can't change their minds even with the best intents. You can't just expect people in pain to just accept to reconsider things 'just because' a stranger told them, maybe they already did give themselves another chance, maybe they hurt too much, maybe they have other reasons.

But I believe what's bothering you is their age and I get it, but you don't know their life, but they stated that they were suffering for maybe 10 years, which is hard to deal with in the long term. Recovery is also a long process that not everyone can afford, unfortunately.

 

[boddibo]

I just can't accept this madness.

You'll learn to accept it otherwise this website is not for you, stranger. Calling it 'madness' when we're talking about people who are suffering on a daily basis... it's a bit insensitive.

You can't expect people in pain to listen to strangers who know nothing about them.

 

[Labyrinth]

You'll learn to accept it otherwise this website is not for you, stranger. Calling it 'madness' when we're talking about people who are suffering on a daily basis... it's a bit insensitive.

You can't expect people in pain to listen to strangers who know nothing about them.

I have nothing to do with you, stranger.

 

[boddibo]

I have nothing to do with you, stranger.

Whatever, I know you want to help, but don't forget not everyone want to have people telling them to reconsider in those kinds of topics.