vivia
(✿^‿^)
- May 13, 2025
- 108
feels like everything's messed up and nothing can be fixed, i just have to live with the consequences. hope's gone, expectations are gone, things probably won't change. feels like that's just how it is, alone, flawed, messy. nothing to avoid. what's left to complain about is just how bad it feels to live like this, because i have to. not asking why, just the feeling of getting through it. if i were okay maybe it'd be easier, but right now it sucks... will feeling bad change anything? probably not. so i just get on with it, whether it's pleasant or not. friends, hope, a future, unlikely. choosing to die or not might feel like my call, but it won't change much, things will probably go back to the same. want friends? won't happen, i'll end up alone. the one thing i can do is choose how i react and express it. but how my life goes, it'll likely stay the same. i can't really fight it, change it, or do much, i can face it or run, and running won't last. will i hold on? who knows. want everyone back? because i can't move on from the old life that looked better. depressing. what felt good was just prep for what's coming, in the end i'll still be alone, nothing will change or stick around. making online friends or pretending here and there, kind of pointless. i should get that this feels permanent. "the way i run my life" like this, it seems permanent. years from now might be the same, maybe unemployed or stuck in a job. bottom line, i'll be alone, probably no family. getting married here is complicated anyway. so yeah, it seems permanent, just try to live it as best as i can
