Venting Ctbing tomorrow 4pm

[brokensoulsdiealone]

A few, I'm curious if there is life after death, I'm thinking I'm hoping I won't have a lot of discomfort and I'm hoping it will be a quick death

I always wonder could there be life after someone has passed there are studies showing the soul leaves the body. I hope that you find peace if this is 100% what you are ready to do I will see you on the other side soon myself when I CTB

 

[silentvoice]

A few, I'm curious if there is life after death, I'm thinking I'm hoping I won't have a lot of discomfort and I'm hoping it will be a quick death

Do you want to talk a bit before you go?

 

[Idontmatter]

Do you want to talk a bit before you go?

Sure
As I'm going through bills I'm realizing how unprepared my husband is going to be when Im gone.

 

[silentvoice]

Sure
As I'm going through bills I'm realizing how unprepared my husband is going to be when Im gone.

What's going on exactly to make you want to go through this?

 

[hurricanes]

One time I really wanted to end it all. Instead I drove to another state, rented a room in a quaint b&b on the coast, ate out in restaurants all by myself, sat on the beach for hours and cried a lot. I had never run away before and it felt so liberating. I felt like I really had a choice. I phoned my husband and told him I was ok I just needed some time alone. I didn't tell him where I was but promised that I would check in every day. I was a teacher and it was during the summer so I didn't have to explain myself at work.

Just bring alone felt so good. I had never really been alone like that. I figured it was worth a try and it helped. A lot. I felt I had a choice to go back to my husband or not. To go back to my job or not.

I chose to go back, but I could have chosen to continue alone, applied for a job in a small town. Imagine the joy of starting over. Couldn't that be a better alternative to dying?

 

[WanderingWater]

How are you doing?

 

[Idontmatter]

One time I really wanted to end it all. Instead I drove to another state, rented a room in a quaint b&b on the coast, ate out in restaurants all by myself, sat on the beach for hours and cried a lot. I had never run away before and it felt so liberating. I felt like I really had a choice. I phoned my husband and told him I was ok I just needed some time alone. I didn't tell him where I was but promised that I would check in every day. I was a teacher and it was during the summer so I didn't have to explain myself at work.

Just bring alone felt so good. I had never really been alone like that. I figured it was worth a try and it helped. A lot. I felt I had a choice to go back to my husband or not. To go back to my job or not.

I chose to go back, but I could have chosen to continue alone, applied for a job in a small town. Imagine the joy of starting over. Couldn't that be a better alternative to dying?

I ended up not doing It today. I talked to my husband. He wants me to go to a different doctor. I told him I would. I don't think he understands how close i am to dying. I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. The urges to do it are still there sadly. I know it wouldn't solve anything but im just so tired, mentally and physically.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I ended up not doing It today. I talked to my husband. He wants me to go to a different doctor. I told him I would. I don't think he understands how close i am to dying. I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. The urges to do it are still there sadly. I know it wouldn't solve anything but im just so tired, mentally and physically.

 

[SofterSoftest]

I ended up not doing It today. I talked to my husband. He wants me to go to a different doctor. I told him I would. I don't think he understands how close i am to dying. I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. The urges to do it are still there sadly. I know it wouldn't solve anything but im just so tired, mentally and physically.

I'm so glad to read this. I don't know you, but I saw this thread just a few minutes ago, and immediately felt for you after reading your first post. I read the thread anxiously and felt relief at finding this message.

Just wanted to say that I have also recently broken down in front of my husband after my N was seized at the border and LE showed up at our door. I can totally empathize with what you say about your husband not understanding how close you are to death. My husband has even cried with me, so he knows I go through really severe waves of suffering, but I think he compartmentalizes my pain because otherwise it's too difficult for him to deal with. Either way, please know that I hear your mental and physical exhaustion, I can certainly imagine how unbearable it is, and I doubt you are alone in those feelings because your words resonate very deeply with me. Sending you love.

 

[thelocalmoon]

I ended up not doing It today. I talked to my husband. He wants me to go to a different doctor. I told him I would. I don't think he understands how close i am to dying. I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. The urges to do it are still there sadly. I know it wouldn't solve anything but im just so tired, mentally and physically.

It's bittersweet to hear this happen. Reading goodbye threads is a 50/50 chance whether I see a somber sadness or whether I see someone back out of it, and back into the life that they had. The mental exhaustion is something I also relate to and so are the urges, but I wish you the best of luck and relief on your journey.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm so glad to read this. I don't know you, but I saw this thread just a few minutes ago, and immediately felt for you after reading your first post. I read the thread anxiously and felt relief at finding this message.

Just wanted to say that I have also recently broken down in front of my husband after my N was seized at the border and LE showed up at our door. I can totally empathize with what you say about your husband not understanding how close you are to death. My husband has even cried with me, so he knows I go through really severe waves of suffering, but I think he compartmentalizes my pain because otherwise it's too difficult for him to deal with. Either way, please know that I hear your mental and physical exhaustion, I can certainly imagine how unbearable it is, and I doubt you are alone in those feelings because your words resonate very deeply with me. Sending you love.

I'm so glad to read this. I don't know you, but I saw this thread just a few minutes ago, and immediately felt for you after reading your first post. I read the thread anxiously and felt relief at finding this message.

Just wanted to say that I have also recently broken down in front of my husband after my N was seized at the border and LE showed up at our door. I can totally empathize with what you say about your husband not understanding how close you are to death. My husband has even cried with me, so he knows I go through really severe waves of suffering, but I think he compartmentalizes my pain because otherwise it's too difficult for him to deal with. Either way, please know that I hear your mental and physical exhaustion, I can certainly imagine how unbearable it is, and I doubt you are alone in those feelings because your words resonate very deeply with me. Sending you love.

It's bittersweet to hear this happen. Reading goodbye threads is a 50/50 chance whether I see a somber sadness or whether I see someone back out of it, and back into the life that they had. The mental exhaustion is something I also relate to and so are the urges, but I wish you the best of luck and relief on your journey.

I'm just trying to fight these urges. I have everything I need to die. It's taking a lot of strength to not make a cup of sn solution and gulp it down.

 

[SofterSoftest]

I'm just trying to fight these urges. I have everything I need to die. It's taking a lot of strength to not make a cup of sn solution and gulp it down.

What helps me in moments like these is repeating to myself that CTB is always there if I want it. It's not going anywhere. Once you do CTB, there isn't any coming back from that. Some people are ready for that, but if you are fighting CTB urges, you may not be ready for this level of finality, which I realize can feel like a very confusing and agonizing mix of feelings, but also might mean there is something (however small) that is keeping you here. You don't have to make any decisions right now if there is any doubt at all. I sometimes have to remind myself explicitly to be patient with my urges because there's no set timeline to make the biggest decision of all.

 

[Idontmatter]

What helps me in moments like these is repeating to myself that CTB is always there if I want it. It's not going anywhere. Once you do CTB, there isn't any coming back from that. Some people are ready for that, but if you are fighting CTB urges, you may not be ready for this level of finality, which I realize can feel like a very confusing and agonizing mix of feelings, but also might mean there is something (however small) that is keeping you here. You don't have to make any decisions right now if there is any doubt at all.

My husband is keeping me here. If I didn't have him, I would have already died.

 

[SofterSoftest]

My husband is keeping me here. If I didn't have him, I would have already died.

I feel this so much. If he has kept you alive to this point, it makes sense that the connection you feel with him is so strong you're not ready to sever it yet. It doesn't mean life is great and it certainly doesn't mean you've resolved your CTB urges, but it might mean that you're not in a rush to CTB quite yet - and you don't need to.

 

[outrider567]

What helps me in moments like these is repeating to myself that CTB is always there if I want it. It's not going anywhere. Once you do CTB, there isn't any coming back from that. Some people are ready for that, but if you are fighting CTB urges, you may not be ready for this level of finality, which I realize can feel like a very confusing and agonizing mix of feelings, but also might mean there is something (however small) that is keeping you here. You don't have to make any decisions right now if there is any doubt at all. I sometimes have to remind myself explicitly to be patient with my urges because there's no set timeline to make the biggest decision of all.

Yep, my whole Nitrogen gas setup is always there and completely set up, and waiting for me when the time comes

 

[peanuts]

I got so nervous reading this, and so pleased that you've given yourself some more time. I understand totally when you say your husband is keeping you here, my mum is keeping me here - and sometimes I resent her a bit for being such an amazing mum and loving me so much that I won't ctb while she's still around.

I wish you peace and relief whether that be on earth or elsewhere. You deserve that much.

 

[Idontmatter]

I got so nervous reading this, and so pleased that you've given yourself some more time. I understand totally when you say your husband is keeping you here, my mum is keeping me here - and sometimes I resent her a bit for being such an amazing mum and loving me so much that I won't ctb while she's still around.

I wish you peace and relief whether that be on earth or elsewhere. You deserve that much.

I just wish I could get the suicidal thoughts out of my head

 

[locked*n*loaded]

Yep, my whole Nitrogen gas setup is always there and completely set up, and waiting for me when the time comes

So, how do you keep a nitrogen setup away from your husbands eyes?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I ended up not doing It today. I talked to my husband. He wants me to go to a different doctor. I told him I would. I don't think he understands how close i am to dying. I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear it. The urges to do it are still there sadly. I know it wouldn't solve anything but im just so tired, mentally and physically.

I really hope that the new doctor will help. I know it must be exhausting to keep on fighting. I hope he can provide a new perspective on things or offer treatments that are more effective. Really rooting for you.

 

[dredd1981]

I'm glad you didn't do it. I know your pain, I'm fairly new to suicidal thoughts and am pretty up and down these days even with the mirtazapine, but you have a husband who loves you and who would be devastated if you did it. He knows you're hurting and he's standing by you, cherish him. My wife kicked me out of the house after my suicide attempt, didn't even attempt to help me. I'm 41, medically retired from the police due to degenerative disc disease, I'm having to work part time to save enough money to get my own place and it's slowly killing me. I don't see myself ever trusting anyone again after what my wife did to me. I'm basically saving money to get a house so I'll have a roof over my head so I can work a shit job so I can afford to have a roof over my head……that's no kind of life…….but you have someone who loves you and who supports you. I don't know what demons you have that are making you feel suicidal, but try to see what you have and how much worse life could be