I ve been a silent reader on this forum for over 2 years and seriously, thank you everyone for the information shared.
I live in Canada but currently travelling abroad to visit family, but will CTB in the next week. I had finalized my plans to CTB using N, and lost money (scammed) to A in 2021, got disheartened, thought it wasn't going to happen.
Things got worse again, and in Mar 2022, I paid for N to D. The shipment was seized by Customs/UPS, who wanted to know what was in it. After a few interactions on phone, I felt it's not meant to be either.
Emailed D again, desperate, that I would fly to Mexico and buy it hand to hand, D suggested he would send it by DHL this time, would charge only half of the original, and I can pay after I receive the shipment. People call him "peddler of death", but at that moment of desperation, he was able to understand what i was going through. So if he's reading this, thank you for understanding.
Luckily, this time in 2 days, the package was delivered. Life became a bit better knowing I was in control of my exit. So few months passed without episode.
Then a few months later, things started going bad, that every second I was alive, I wanted death. I couldn't gather energy to get off bed, the only thing on my mind was either Death or Sex. And obviously with all this negativity around, my personal life with my wife and kids had been suffering. Then the episode of guilt, self loathing started and even after venting to the wife that I have serious suicidal tendencies, that get triggered in small issues, she ignored it, even saying go die right now after even a basic argument. Anything I opened up to her was ammunition for the next argument we would have. So I couldn't even vent with thoughts running in head 24x7. I even cheated on my wife, why, I don't know, but it happened and had become so embroiled in sex and death thoughts.
In between, a sign from heaven arrived, remember the first shipment from UPS which was confiscated. There was a bell on the door, took a few minutes to reach there, and when I reach, the UPS truck is leaving, and outside, there's partially opened package from D with 2 more bottles of N (plus a pack of anti emitic). The bottles were sealed, so now I had 4, just in case I fuck up my attempt.
The planning reached to a point where I was planning to CTB but not inside the home, so my kids don't get to see me, or the value of the home doesn't drop for suicide.
Few more months passed like this, in between, there were highs there were lows. Depression is a bitch, but now it feels like home. Anyways, tried ordering home test from exit website in April, payment went through, kit never arrived. So I was scared to try the N I had received.
In Oct, Knowing I could afford trying a bottle, I opened it and had a fraction of it with whisky, to see how it tastes, and the effects. I was deep asleep and woke up the next day with a heavy head. So I knew I had the real deal now. Point was when to do it and where.
Now we are abroad for a long vacation to see family and more, and are returning in mid of Jan. My instinct to CTB is over the top at the moment. But my N is in Canada. So I am thinking of booking a new flight while everyone else is here, with family, flying to Canada, go home, get the N, go to a hotel, and down 2 bottles (which should be enough).
Long vent, but here're the questions:
- Do authorities do autopsy in a situation like this, and if they do, does N show up in system? Would the records show it was a suicide or I died in sleep. I am concerned because I want to understand the narrative that would come out, for the sake of kids.
- the bottles are sterile, so effectively, I ve 3 sealed, and 1 opened (cap put back on) after I tried it in October. Does it make sense to reuse the partially opened one with a new one. Just in case the attempt fails, to have a backup plan? Or are the two sealed ones good enough foolproof plan?
Thank you.
I live in Canada but currently travelling abroad to visit family, but will CTB in the next week. I had finalized my plans to CTB using N, and lost money (scammed) to A in 2021, got disheartened, thought it wasn't going to happen.
Things got worse again, and in Mar 2022, I paid for N to D. The shipment was seized by Customs/UPS, who wanted to know what was in it. After a few interactions on phone, I felt it's not meant to be either.
Emailed D again, desperate, that I would fly to Mexico and buy it hand to hand, D suggested he would send it by DHL this time, would charge only half of the original, and I can pay after I receive the shipment. People call him "peddler of death", but at that moment of desperation, he was able to understand what i was going through. So if he's reading this, thank you for understanding.
Luckily, this time in 2 days, the package was delivered. Life became a bit better knowing I was in control of my exit. So few months passed without episode.
Then a few months later, things started going bad, that every second I was alive, I wanted death. I couldn't gather energy to get off bed, the only thing on my mind was either Death or Sex. And obviously with all this negativity around, my personal life with my wife and kids had been suffering. Then the episode of guilt, self loathing started and even after venting to the wife that I have serious suicidal tendencies, that get triggered in small issues, she ignored it, even saying go die right now after even a basic argument. Anything I opened up to her was ammunition for the next argument we would have. So I couldn't even vent with thoughts running in head 24x7. I even cheated on my wife, why, I don't know, but it happened and had become so embroiled in sex and death thoughts.
In between, a sign from heaven arrived, remember the first shipment from UPS which was confiscated. There was a bell on the door, took a few minutes to reach there, and when I reach, the UPS truck is leaving, and outside, there's partially opened package from D with 2 more bottles of N (plus a pack of anti emitic). The bottles were sealed, so now I had 4, just in case I fuck up my attempt.
The planning reached to a point where I was planning to CTB but not inside the home, so my kids don't get to see me, or the value of the home doesn't drop for suicide.
Few more months passed like this, in between, there were highs there were lows. Depression is a bitch, but now it feels like home. Anyways, tried ordering home test from exit website in April, payment went through, kit never arrived. So I was scared to try the N I had received.
In Oct, Knowing I could afford trying a bottle, I opened it and had a fraction of it with whisky, to see how it tastes, and the effects. I was deep asleep and woke up the next day with a heavy head. So I knew I had the real deal now. Point was when to do it and where.
Now we are abroad for a long vacation to see family and more, and are returning in mid of Jan. My instinct to CTB is over the top at the moment. But my N is in Canada. So I am thinking of booking a new flight while everyone else is here, with family, flying to Canada, go home, get the N, go to a hotel, and down 2 bottles (which should be enough).
Long vent, but here're the questions:
- Do authorities do autopsy in a situation like this, and if they do, does N show up in system? Would the records show it was a suicide or I died in sleep. I am concerned because I want to understand the narrative that would come out, for the sake of kids.
- the bottles are sterile, so effectively, I ve 3 sealed, and 1 opened (cap put back on) after I tried it in October. Does it make sense to reuse the partially opened one with a new one. Just in case the attempt fails, to have a backup plan? Or are the two sealed ones good enough foolproof plan?
Thank you.
