Help CTB to meet with passed ones

[mitsurumors]

So I'm this close to really try it again, I haven't tried it in quite some time due to some harsh times on the psych ward and therefore me being incredibly scared of surviving

but you know
there's no one left for me. I just realized I'm the only one needing my husband; he doesn't need me, in fact most of the time I feel like I don't even exist
while he stole all my dreams and made them his, he was in Japan last year, he gets to ride a luxury cruiser to the fjords this year, gets to meet and be friends with Japanese folks, while I sit alone at home with my disability that makes it almost impossible to walk and go out + an incredible fear of humans

so I wanna ctb before he gets to enjoy the fjords and leave me alone for weeks with no one to care for my stupid disabled ass, before he gets to show me pictures of a life I'll never live, before he has another great time in Japan and all his tales and pictures

last time we went to Japan 7 days after my beloved Kyon died
Kyon had to be put to sleep on our wedding anniversary
of course the flight was already booked etc
but that isn't the point

the main point of this thread (sorry for all that build up) is:
since Lilly in 2022 and Kyon last year died I had not a happy day in my life
I somehow managed Lilly with Kyon and therapy, but when Kyon died I had no therapy anymore, my roommate just moved out, and my husband left for Japan
needless to say that was pretty bad
and I can't go into too much detail (or rather, who even cares?), but Kyon was so important to me, my therapist went and said "if you would love yourself as much as you love Kyon you wouldn't need therapy anymore"
loving people is hard bc they leave, they lie, they hurt, they betray,
but Kyon never did those
except leave, bc leaving me he did in the end

so I wanna ctb to see him and Lilly again
I am devoured, consumed by grief, and I can't take it anymore
I just want to be with them again

Does anyone know what I'd need to do to see my deceased ones again?

 

[iusedtobehappy]

So I'm this close to really try it again, I haven't tried it in quite some time due to some harsh times on the psych ward and therefore me being incredibly scared of surviving

but you know
there's no one left for me. I just realized I'm the only one needing my husband; he doesn't need me, in fact most of the time I feel like I don't even exist
while he stole all my dreams and made them his, he was in Japan last year, he gets to ride a luxury cruiser to the fjords this year, gets to meet and be friends with Japanese folks, while I sit alone at home with my disability that makes it almost impossible to walk and go out + an incredible fear of humans

so I wanna ctb before he gets to enjoy the fjords and leave me alone for weeks with no one to care for my stupid disabled ass, before he gets to show me pictures of a life I'll never live, before he has another great time in Japan and all his tales and pictures

last time we went to Japan 7 days after my beloved Kyon died
Kyon had to be put to sleep on our wedding anniversary
of course the flight was already booked etc
but that isn't the point

the main point of this thread (sorry for all that build up) is:
since Lilly in 2022 and Kyon last year died I had not a happy day in my life
I somehow managed Lilly with Kyon and therapy, but when Kyon died I had no therapy anymore, my roommate just moved out, and my husband left for Japan
needless to say that was pretty bad
and I can't go into too much detail (or rather, who even cares?), but Kyon was so important to me, my therapist went and said "if you would love yourself as much as you love Kyon you wouldn't need therapy anymore"
loving people is hard bc they leave, they lie, they hurt, they betray,
but Kyon never did those
except leave, bc leaving me he did in the end

so I wanna ctb to see him and Lilly again
I am devoured, consumed by grief, and I can't take it anymore
I just want to be with them again

Does anyone know what I'd need to do to see my deceased ones again?

This is exactly why I am here. I completely relate. My husband died a few years ago and our kitty and I got extremely bonded. I actually got happy again. I lost him 3 1/2 months ago and I have literally cried every day until now my ribs hurt. That has never happened. Are Lilly and Kyon your dogs? I do know how you feel. Other than method of choice, I want to make sure I will actually be with the ones I love, so I have been doing research into that, if there is such a thing as definitive answers as to what happens. You don't know how many times I say the same thing "I can't take it anymore". I even meditate to try to connect with them. So just know you are not alone in feeling this way. I'd like to know more about Kyon and Lilly. Sending hugs.

 

[annointed_towers]

You'll only see them again if all of you were Christian

 

[nomore1219]

My brother od'ed on fentanyl 4 years ago when he was the age I am now and it makes me want to join him.

 

[mitsurumors]

This is exactly why I am here. I completely relate. My husband died a few years ago and our kitty and I got extremely bonded. I actually got happy again. I lost him 3 1/2 months ago and I have literally cried every day until now my ribs hurt. That has never happened. Are Lilly and Kyon your dogs? I do know how you feel. Other than method of choice, I want to make sure I will actually be with the ones I love, so I have been doing research into that, if there is such a thing as definitive answers as to what happens. You don't know how many times I say the same thing "I can't take it anymore". I even meditate to try to connect with them. So just know you are not alone in feeling this way. I'd like to know more about Kyon and Lilly. Sending hugs.

Ah I'm surprised that someone cares
also, I feel bad for equating my pain to that of yours, I didn't mean it that way

So Lilly is her
Lilly was the red little devil of my husband and I loved her since 2014. I always wanted a ginger one, so meeting her was the fulfillment of so many dreams
our situationship was pretty normal I'd say.
When Lilly died, 27th October 2022, my world shattered. I haven't lost a cat in so many years and even tho I always thought about how it would destroy me, depressed as I am, I could not have forseen the pain. I cried so often, but often I had to stop bc Kyon was getting scared, and he was srsly all that kept me together

Now Kyon is this little fella
Our situationship is much more complex, with me having to give him into my mums care since I had become homeless, and me finally getting him back 10years later, only to realize then how my mother did absolutely nothing to take care of him, with him being malnourished and sickly
So since I got him when he was a kitten but had to leave him in the care of my heartless monster mother my love and guilt was of course that higher

well, Kyon and Lilly had been best friends ever since I got him back in 2019
so when Lilly died I had the feeling she was still there, I can't put it quite in words but I somehow felt she was still here

but since that day, our wedding anniversary, July 19th 2023, everything changed
I have yet to unleash all my grief and pain and suffering, since I always pull back before everything comes out, bc I am just so sure that I won't be able to take it
the few times I tried to grief it was such a heavy reaction, like I can't even start to explain it
and even worse yet: I don't feel like Lilly is here anymore, and I don't feel like Kyon is here
maybe she waited for him and when he died they both went
idk I'm sounding crazy, I know, but it's just too much to bear
it's also the first time in my life that I don't have a cat I share a bond with
I know I sound spoiled but all my life I always had a cat by my side with whom I shared a special, deep connection with
but now I don't have such a cat at my side anymore, and the three remaining one of ours just don't wanna bond with me
like I can talk about being lucky if they let me pet them or if they visit me once a week

whelp, it's 2am and my husband is finally home
also sorry for the grammar, I'm writing on phone which is hard for me

 

[iusedtobehappy]

Ah I'm surprised that someone cares
also, I feel bad for equating my pain to that of yours, I didn't mean it that way

So Lilly is her View attachment 127812
Lilly was the red little devil of my husband and I loved her since 2014. I always wanted a ginger one, so meeting her was the fulfillment of so many dreams
our situationship was pretty normal I'd say.
When Lilly died, 27th October 2022, my world shattered. I haven't lost a cat in so many years and even tho I always thought about how it would destroy me, depressed as I am, I could not have forseen the pain. I cried so often, but often I had to stop bc Kyon was getting scared, and he was srsly all that kept me together

Now Kyon is this little fella View attachment 127813
Our situationship is much more complex, with me having to give him into my mums care since I had become homeless, and me finally getting him back 10years later, only to realize then how my mother did absolutely nothing to take care of him, with him being malnourished and sickly
So since I got him when he was a kitten but had to leave him in the care of my heartless monster mother my love and guilt was of course that higher

well, Kyon and Lilly had been best friends ever since I got him back in 2019
so when Lilly died I had the feeling she was still there, I can't put it quite in words but I somehow felt she was still here

but since that day, our wedding anniversary, July 19th 2023, everything changed
I have yet to unleash all my grief and pain and suffering, since I always pull back before everything comes out, bc I am just so sure that I won't be able to take it
the few times I tried to grief it was such a heavy reaction, like I can't even start to explain it
and even worse yet: I don't feel like Lilly is here anymore, and I don't feel like Kyon is here
maybe she waited for him and when he died they both went
idk I'm sounding crazy, I know, but it's just too much to bear
it's also the first time in my life that I don't have a cat I share a bond with
I know I sound spoiled but all my life I always had a cat by my side with whom I shared a special, deep connection with
but now I don't have such a cat at my side anymore, and the three remaining one of ours just don't wanna bond with me
like I can talk about being lucky if they let me pet them or if they visit me once a week

whelp, it's 2am and my husband is finally home
also sorry for the grammar, I'm writing on phone which is hard for me

You don't have anything to apologize for. Lilly and Kyon are beautiful kitties. There is nothing quite like a bond with a special kitty, is there? My husband and I had more than a few. We had 6 at one time. I loved all of them so much but I bonded so unbreakably with our youngest who I just lost. I know what you mean about loving them all but not having that kind of bond with all of them. It's nothing you can explain to anyone because they look at you like "he's a cat.." To us, they are not cats. They are lifelines and soulmates and no it doesn't sound crazy but to 99% of the population, it probably does. With me, you are preaching to the choir. So you have 3 kitties now? I have been feeling that way too about my baby, that I'm not sure I can feel him and that is why my ribs literally hurt from crying every day. Last night, I did a 45 min meditation and I did hear a meow but that could have come from outside and that is how desperate I am. I feel you.

 

[MrOptions]

You'll only see them again if all of you were Christian

You sir or ma'am are a complete ignoramus.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. We don't know what really happens when we die, where we go, if we go anywhere, if there is a "ghost" of us existing in other dimensions.

I understand that such a situation can be so agonizing someone contemplates CTB but you never have any guarantee to see your loved ones after you're dead. Nobody knows what comes after death and where or if we go anywhere.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[mortuarymary]

You'll only see them again if all of you were Christian

Sorry, that's bullshit.

You don't have anything to apologize for. Lilly and Kyon are beautiful kitties. There is nothing quite like a bond with a special kitty, is there? My husband and I had more than a few. We had 6 at one time. I loved all of them so much but I bonded so unbreakably with our youngest who I just lost. I know what you mean about loving them all but not having that kind of bond with all of them. It's nothing you can explain to anyone because they look at you like "he's a cat.." To us, they are not cats. They are lifelines and soulmates and no it doesn't sound crazy but to 99% of the population, it probably does. With me, you are preaching to the choir. So you have 3 kitties now? I have been feeling that way too about my baby, that I'm not sure I can feel him and that is why my ribs literally hurt from crying every day. Last night, I did a 45 min meditation and I did hear a meow but that could have come from outside and that is how desperate I am. I feel you.

My woofers are like your kitties and I also hope to see the other animals I had over the years that passed. I call it rainbow bridge. Silly I know. But, they will be waiting.

 

[mitsurumors]

Hii, sorry for no reply all this time!

I was in a really dark place when posting this and cried myself to sleep that night, but wouldn't you know it? I dreamed of both Kyon and Lilly that night, together in one dream, which usually doesn't happen very often
I wondered then for days what this could mean. Like I know it's just my subconscious, but I always paid much attention to dreams, especially since a lot of them tend to come true haha. I know that sounds crazy, but tbh I probably am, so there's that

Anyway, I did wonder: did they want to tell me to come to them? or did they tell me to keep on living? Not too sure
Since then I had another dream of Kyon I think, and one of Bandit, another dead cat of mine

While I try to figure stuff out I try to stay clear of here since I try to not steer into an depressive abyss, but I'll answer here soon to everyone who made the effort to actually answer me when I needed it the most.

P.S.: the reason the pictures of Kyon and Lilly look so weird is bc they're really old, since after the both met they were together all the time until Lilly died
so here's one of the many pics of them together