Venting ctb to make people realize you suffer

[morbidinsanityy]

does anyone else feel like they want to ctb just to make the people who have wronged them feel regretful? i want people to know that i struggled, and that i fought, and that i tried. i want him to know he was hurting me and wearing me down more than i already was. i want my family to think back on my cries for help and realize that all i wanted was a little bit of love and comfort, because im barely clinging on. i want to prove people wrong, the people that said that i will do things that i know in my heart that will never be accomplished. am i crazy? am i crazy to want these people to wish they actually helped? i want them to know i suffered and continued to be tortured by my own mind, and i feel like a disgusting person for it.

 

[Topaz111]

You are not crazy or "disgusting"
It's a very normal and common desire. Wanting people who hurt you to feel remorse is very normal, we want justice which is so scarce in real life. Wanting to feel heard and believed is also a very base human need that is completely normal, but we are often shamed for it.
I've been thinking really hard lately about whether I should leave a final message or not. I want the satisfaction of that final "fuck you!" to the people who caused this, but I know it will be awkward as shit if I fail and would make my life even worse, plus any action that delays the death increases the risk of SI and fear kicking in while I prepare and if I make the note in advance someone could find it too soon.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can definitely relate to an element of this. Seeing as my initial ideation came about because of the actions of others.

I suppose also, I think the actual action of suicide will demonstrate just how difficult I found life/ just how much I hated it. So, maybe people will look a little more kindly on the ways I failed/ didn't fulfil my potential.

I'm not sure you should be the one feeling bad though. Why shouldn't we want people who wronged us so severely to at least acknowledge it- if not, feel bad about it?

I suppose I would however question whether realistically- they will though. I think some bullies- especially those with narcissistic traits- insulate themselves in a layer of superiority and righteousness. If they managed to dodge blame while we were alive, spin some narrative on why they weren't to blame/ why they were right/ why they were in fact the victim even- I don't see why that wouldn't simply continue after our death.

 

[devils~advocate]

I understand this. I am doing this for my ctb. I have recorded audio messages for those that I love and those that have wronged me.
I mean wronged in ways that most would agree to find horrible.

Most are pleasant memories and stories for my family that loves me. Its hurtful to do these for them, but I know I need to do it.

For the those that have done me wrong....one will be to my ex-spouse. We were together for almost 6 years and they left for another person. I had to see it happen over the course of a year and deal with the lies, deceit and abandonment. Its like seeing an automobile wreck happen in slow motion....you just about can't keep it from happening.

So I understand the notion of doing this. I want them to know how I felt back then and what I think of them now. It feels liberating to get these thoughts out so they can hear them. For the ones that wronged me, I hope it bothers them for the rest of their lives.