Venting Ctb sn bug out bag almost ready

[warriorofeld]

Got my digital scale today for sn ( sn on its way finally here Thurs and will be added to my bag as well), all my supporting pills I could get ahold of for poor mans ae, and benzos/pain meds. With a slipknot noose backup all in my bug out bag, which is with me at all times. Just need to pre-measure water bottles to go with the amount of sn needed for my height/weight and I'll be ready to go at a moments notice and can dissappear into the countryside farmlands in my area with whatever method i choose.

I'm not suicidal really but have struggled with it in the past as I'm bipolar. This will be my only logical option to avoid future pain and suffering. Worst comes to worst there are train tracks nearby and they run about every 45 mins tho I wouldn't want to go that way from what I've heard and seen on this site (couple people have ctb by the very trains I mention).

What brought me here was an error on my part for which I'm culpable and I don't wish to be around for the pain and suffering that will ensue and the rest of the fallout. Ik this makes me sound selfish and cowardly but I see no other option.

Without going into too much details I recently got together with a partner and I may have given them hsv 1 (herpes) not entirely sure as I've never had any outbreaks, however found out after the fact I had it and she didn't have it as I was shown her test results after her last partner beforehand. It feels like it is only a matter of time if and when it is discovered. she is Latina and has family as narcos and cartel/gang related friends family etc.

This site has been a most welcome experience to help me calm down anxiety as well as finding/prepping different methods and practices I wouldn't have found otherwise and I truly thank everyone that is here who helped directly or indirectly. My anxiety has been through the roof can't eat/sleep can't function at work and friends/coworkers have noticed my change in behavior. On the plus side I've lost 35 lbs since I started down this path ig.

Anyone else have something similar like a bug out bag in arms reach or close by with items for when you ctb? Could just be me having been a boy scout always prepared.. I hope everyones journey is a peaceful one and you're able to ctb.. venting over..

-memento mori

 

[MrBrownUpsideD]

When push comes to shove, I think most people are selfish. But you're not selfish for fearing a fate worse than death by the hands of the cartel. CTB isn't easy so I trust your judgement. Definitely don't do it by train though.