Ctb or not to ctb, that is the question (I’m not answering r

[dontlookatme]

I haven't decided to ctb but I can't actually discuss it with anyone who can't even view it as an option.

Background: depressed since childhood, family/social issues. I have a history, a few botched-confused attempts a little more than a decade ago, mainly utterly reckless self harm resulting in burns, poisoning, hospitalization, etc., nothing committed enough to be a firm decision, just hoping I would be "unlucky" enough to die. Silly me, never one for planning.

then I started playing a game that gave me a compelling fantasy world to escape to, gave me happy (well, grim dark) place to be some one other than myself and have imaginary friends and enemies. God, me. Why me? Why do I wake up every morning and I am still stuck being me of a fucking people??

I had a upswing in life, married some sexy lunatic, reproduced and then went south real hard.
Any moment to myself is spent thinking about self harm.
I can't return to my fantasy space because I can't neglect my child and I don't want to be an awful parent like mine were. It's more complex than just these things of course, but nobody has all day for this shit and I need to get just park of it off my chest so I can stop crying long enough to take my bebe to the park.

Fucking Christ all I can hope for in life is that my little one isn't as miserable as I have been.
I'm trapped in this nightmare of my life having become the things I've always feared.

Is it better for him to have an always crying, depressed mother or no mother?
Oh yeah, purely hypothetical here. This is a philosophical , rule-abiding discussion. No one is encouraging or responsible for anything by discussing the various points of an issue.

 

[profoundexperience]

I can't return to my fantasy space because I can't neglect my child ... I need to get just park of it off my chest so I can stop crying long enough to take my bebe to the park. ... I'm trapped in this nightmare of my life having become the things I've always feared. ... Is it better for him to have an always crying, depressed mother or no mother?

I think, in general, anyone should have the "rights" to ctb whenever they want...

With one caveat: If one has had a child, then there is some responsibility/commitment that has been made there, until that child has reached adulthood. Perhaps accidentally/unwittingly... but a responsibility/commitment nonetheless.

Just like during pregnancy, there's the expression, "I'm eating for two"... right now, you're "living for two", so probably need to find a way to make it work.

A lot "easier said than done", absolutely.

Could I be wrong? Yes. It's hard for me to see the other side though (but I'm willing to try).

 

[dontlookatme]

so I need to have a higher capacity to tolerate my misery than everyone else? The particular suffering of feeling like a failure as a parent is bigger than me. Carrying this burden unsupported is impossible. I would have to be more than one person to be able to handle it and I'm probably like 65% a whole person at best.
Part of the pain is that I can't protect him from things beyond my control, and most things are beyond my control.
I feel like parenthood has to be a community thing. This is bigger than me and if humans are going to exist, if there's any point to any of this at all there has to be children. I think it's a "normal" biological thing, as animals to have a child. I think it's a good. It's the only thing that can wash away the evils of previous generations, the creative potential of children.
No more than one at this point is fair because of the humongous demands on the planet made by modern consumer life, but I think it's overall a good thing to have a child that's very loved.

I love him but I am unequal to this task of being solely responsible for the beautiful potentials of his life. I am afraid to ruin him.
What's better for him, an absent mother or a miserable one?
Also, last place I was expecting to hear "make it work" but I kinda feel like a mother is categorically, the only one that's going to be told that. I've put literal blood, sweat, and tears into parenting. I haven't slept a full night once since I went into labor three years ago, trying to be everything he's needed me to be but I am dead inside.
my opportunities for life outside of this house grow colder every day as I become less of a person.
It feels like the oldest story in the book, like every other woman who became a mother and terrified me with their miserable lives. I thought I could be different but I was wrong.

 

[profoundexperience]

so I need to have a higher capacity to tolerate my misery than everyone else?

No. We're talking about the fact that, unfortunately, it's not just about you now... It's about both you and your son. You created a new life and it's subject to damage (as you of course know).

How old is your son?

What would be the plan for him, what would be his fate, if you were to ctb?

if there's any point to any of this at all there has to be children. I think it's a "normal" biological thing, as animals to have a child. I think it's a good. It's the only thing that can wash away the evils of previous generations, the creative potential of children.

Yes, that is the orthodoxy... the everyday day "common sense". And, it's completely understandable why you believe it...

And, sorry I think that it's completely, 100% wrong. I've attached a 30-page PDF with comprehensive counterarguments explaining why. One can be completely forgiven because this "other side" of the argument is rarely presented.

BUT, does a philosophical argument really matter to your current situation? Those are more about deciding to have a child in the first place... not what to do once you do and then feel the need to ctb.

Listen, my heart aches for you. And I'm very, very sorry. There is no good solution here. What you're gonna have to find is the "best bad solution". Remember, you're "living for two" now, so the "best bad solution" needs to account for that.

 

[dontlookatme]

gee, thanks for the homework. a little late tho perhaps.

You don't need to assume that I come at my perspective on reproduction from a position of orthodoxy. I'd rather be given the benefit of the doubt before being preemptively told my position is understood. I may be a breeder but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm basic.

you realize, your position on the responsibilities of parents is the same as the conservative position in western society, echoing the the pro-life camp's ideas about the responsibility of people who have sex, well, moreso people with a uterus who have sex.

it's all a bit over-idealized and impractically miserable for me.

 

[profoundexperience]

Ok, let's say I completely agree with you: It's ok for you to commit suicide... no restrictions.

What's next for your son? It's not your problem anymore... because you're dead. What will happen to him?

Is he, for example, young enough that you could put him up for adoption and we might expect he could get a good placement?

It seems like you just want me to say, that it's ok to just "walk away". Is that what you're looking for me to say...?