Story Ctb is the ideal option left

[namelessfaceless]

Hi I'm new here and idk if I'm allowed to post this but this forum seems the only place that will let me speak freely! I've been diagnosed with depression in 2019 but my war started before that earlier since my first relationship ended in 2016 i started noticing that I'm in pain truly but i realized that i was never a happy person before getting depressed i was always that guy who's not satisfied with his life comparing myself with others inferior the first relationship just made it blow sorry if my English isn't good I'm not native speaker i started with self-harming then it went to self loathe when I've seek professional help the shrink said it's depression i started taking meds and i was between ups and downs well all the time still feeling inferior and not pleased with my life then i had my second relationship which it ended later then i went to ctb multiple times with meds overdose it didn't work i used to beg that person and cry for her and show her myself selfcutting just to not to leave me ik i shouldn't do that and i might caused her hurt but i was in pain i still love that person till now and i wish i didn't acted that way ik it's messed up behaviors i know and i regret that a lot not only that but even when the first relationship ended i did some of those messed up behaviors i mentioned and even it went worse than that i won't go in details but i hurted that person emotionally just to not to leave me even i had no intention to do later when i got better according to my psychiatrist which is total bs he said i have impulsive personality but i always thought I'm borderline i stopped my meds multiple times for dumb reasons but to me they're not! like the inferiority complex i have the part where i compare myself with others not satisfied with my life and not only that but being a total loser and regretting my messed up behaviors and being afraid of judgments and isolating myself all the time except when i go to met my friends but not always last year i decided to change the doctor because there was no progress. i got better kinda i had fake hope i opened up to my doctor about a lot of things and i started taking meds again but nothing changed i decided to stop them again and i got worse i got Hospitalized for 12 days and left the hospital kinda good but recently i came to the point that my life is nonsense and nothing changed and i will always suffer even on meds and i would be better dead yeah i don't feel depressed on them but there things that bother me as i mentioned like a lot also my new psychiatrist said i might be borderline not only that but i have daydreams all the time and i didn't finish my studies since 2014 and i was doing nothing since then! As a kid i got molested by the same man but I've never considered it molestation I always think i wanted to discover new things i was 13yo and it happened multiple times and never bothered me tbh but my new shrink said you was kid and you were the victim! Idk also when i was 18yo same incident happened once not only that but i had messed up behaviors in the past that bother me a lot i wish i have access to none painful ctb methods like SN but it's impossible for me currently I fantasize about ctb all the time I won't go in method detail and I'm not sure i can do it that way that's all thank you for reading and please not judgments

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Most don't judge here. You are free to discuss your method. Mine will be jumping. Most everyone here are very supportive. Welcome.

 

[namelessfaceless]

Most don't judge here. You are free to discuss your method. Mine will be jumping. Most everyone here are very supportive. Welcome.

Thank you! Well I'm thinking of drinking myself a lot then throw myself in front of a train that's the only ideal option i have i can't jump i can't hang myself and meds overdose doesn't work and it's makes me sick i wish i could access SN but it's impossible to have it

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Thank you! Well I'm thinking of drinking myself a lot then throw myself in front of a train that's the only ideal option i have i can't jump i can't hang myself and meds overdose doesn't work and it's makes me sick i wish i could access SN but it's impossible to have it

My advice to you is don't rush it and don't be hard on yourself if you don't go through with it at first. Many of us here back out multiple times, but eventually some push through. I wish you safe travels my friend.

 

[namelessfaceless]

My advice to you is don't rush it and don't be hard on yourself if you don't go through with it at first. Many of us here back out multiple times, but eventually some push through. I wish you safe travels my friend.

I'm taking the time i need but it's the only ideal option i have and thank you

 

[FuneralCry]

It's so cruel how people cannot just easily leave this existence in a peaceful way and have to resort to such awful ways to die, I hate how suicide is purposely made this way. But anyway to me it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free from all the suffering, I wish you the best.