ctb in 20 hours

[pogostick]

No guarantees, but I should be dead in 20 hours.

I went to university today and now I'm at home for a few hours before the fireworks start. I've been invited to go with a couple groups, but honestly I just want to ponder in silence and listen to my music lmao.
It's currently 3.30pm bst and I'll be leaving at 6pm. The train I will catch is coming at 6am and I am going to pull an all nighter so that I can get there on time (since I will be leaving at around 5am).

That's it, really. I am getting this scared feeling in my chest, but that's okay. I'll start drinking soon which should help a bit. Every time I close my eyes and lay down, I just try to imagine being on the tracks and channelling the way I felt during my previous attempt. I don't think it's even explicitly the pain that scares me, its just the thought of a huge object running over my body, and I guess what happens after that is scary too. Does it all just go black? I'll find out, I suppose. Hopefully.

I'm not sure what position I will be in. Last time, I aimed to sit down, but I found that it was actually easier to lay. At minimum, my neck will be on the tracks, if I can, then i'll lay over the middle with my neck on one side and legs on the other.
I posted a few days ago about being worried that the cattle-catcher/snowplow on the front of the train was too low for my neck to fit underneath the train, but I think I will fit. Trains are a lot bigger than they seem in photos so I think the distance between the plow and the rail looks dwarfed online- when I compare the people in the photos to the size of the train and the gap, they look miniscule. Even if I don't fit by an inch or two, a train smashing 60mph over your neck isn't just gonna bump you out the way, I will most definitely be sucked under and crushed.

I can already smell the comments on this post as i have gotten many before.
My spot is at an open rural line with no cameras or lampposts. It also follows a blind corner. There is no chance of me being seen (because it will be 6am and nobody is really at this place) and I also do not care about the impact of my suicide on passengers or the driver.

I don't have much more to say right now, I will add to this thread if I do. If I do not post in a week after NOVEMBER 6TH, then I am dead. Activity may be seen on my account if my family gains access (or I give them it in my note), but I will absolutely make a post within a week from a failed attempt.
This is my third real attempt and I feel like I get a little closer every time. Last time I got off of the tracks just before the train came. Wish me luck.

 

[nobodycaresaboutme]

I'm really sorry life led you to this decision. Whatever is waiting for you I hope it brings you the peace you're looking for

 

[madameviolette]

I hope everything goes well for you. May I ask what kind of train it is ? Is it a freight railway ?

 

[itsgone2]

I hope you find peace, regardless of what happens.

 

[Kitsuné_]

Your last attempt was not a fail, was a preparation. I hope you the best, if everything is ok it will be instant.

May you find peace

 

[martyrdom]

I empathize with you as I want an extremely violent method too, when my time comes. Good luck, I hope you find peace, and try to enjoy those 20 hours until the lights go out, in whatever way is possible.

 

[lightbringer]

May you have peace my friend.

 

[pogostick]

I hope everything goes well for you. May I ask what kind of train it is ? Is it a freight railway ?

Only one train passes this location and it's just a kind of mid-speed passenger train.
I've been scouting different locations and train routes for a while and this train and area seems like the best compromise of visibility (or, invisibility, I guess), accessibility, likelihood of death and this specific area is one that's quite comfortable for me, so I figure I have the best chance of being at ease there compared to any other location.
It doesn't matter too much the type of train if you're going for a decapitation, anyway. It could be regular passenger train speeding up at 5mph or an express train at 65mph and you'd still be dead in under seconds. These are only really important factors if you're being impacted rather than crushed.

Your last attempt was not a fail, was a preparation. I hope you the best, if everything is ok it will be instant.

May you find peace

This is what I've been telling myself, too. Eventhough I felt shame and worthlessness initially, I did come out of my last attempt eventually feeling incredibly confident and proud of myself for even getting to the point of laying down. Thank you for hoping the best for me, I wish for it to be instant.

I empathize with you as I want an extremely violent method too, when my time comes. Good luck, I hope you find peace, and try to enjoy those 20 hours until the lights go out, in whatever way is possible.

I have heard a lot of people here taking about how they wouldn't want to use a train or gun because they don't want their body to be mangled or ruined but I genuinely do not care haha. I could be crushed, folded, destroyed. I could come out a pile of chum and it wouldn't matter to me, infact I think I prefer the idea to just laying peacefully in bed.
Thank you for leaving a message <3

 

[AntarusDragon]

Only one train passes this location and it's just a kind of mid-speed passenger train.
I've been scouting different locations and train routes for a while and this train and area seems like the best compromise of visibility (or, invisibility, I guess), accessibility, likelihood of death and this specific area is one that's quite comfortable for me, so I figure I have the best chance of being at ease there compared to any other location.
It doesn't matter too much the type of train if you're going for a decapitation, anyway. It could be regular passenger train speeding up at 5mph or an express train at 65mph and you'd still be dead in under seconds. These are only really important factors if you're being impacted rather than crushed.

This is what I've been telling myself, too. Eventhough I felt shame and worthlessness initially, I did come out of my last attempt eventually feeling incredibly confident and proud of myself for even getting to the point of laying down. Thank you for hoping the best for me, I wish for it to be instant.

I have heard a lot of people here taking about how they wouldn't want to use a train or gun because they don't want their body to be mangled or ruined but I genuinely do not care haha. I could be crushed, folded, destroyed. I could come out a pile of chum and it wouldn't matter to me, infact I think I prefer the idea to just laying peacefully in bed.
Thank you for leaving a message <3

Hey, Why did you decide to end your life in this particular way?

 

[pogostick]

Hey, Why did you decide to end your life in this particular way?

So, I only really considered trying to hang myself, jumping off of a bridge, or jumping infront of a train. Guns are not very avaliable here.

Hanging just really freaks me out. It's hard to explain. It feels controlled in a way that makes me uncomfortable, plus I didn't want to faff with the logistics.
The only bridge high enough here is frequented by suicidal people and there is security on each end. I would have to climb over a 2 meter barrier to jump before being caught and it just feels too risky.

I'm quite lucky that me and a few friends had started hanging out in a particular spot with open rails and that's what got me thinking initially. I like that I can just stand or sit or lay and... just have the train decide, if that makes sense? It's kind of hard to explain in an understandable way because a lot of the reason why it intrigues me is just because I've always been pretty enamoured with the idea of being dramatically crushed and mangled. I also like how structured it has to be. I get to track the trains and if I miss it then that's it. There isn't really a chance to pace and go back and fourth and 'will I or won't I?', theres kind of this lingering pressure that you have one chance, so you gotta do it or you're going home (adrenaline tends to wear off, so its not much use waiting for the next train if you miss the first one, tbh).

 

[MissAbyss]

️ Whatever decision you make, I hope you find peace 🕊

 

[darksouls]

good luck, I hope you find the peace you deserve

 

[Irisse]

I hope you find peace and your suffering ends.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I don't know why but I get extra saddened when someone chooses to ctb via a very violent method

 

[spero_meliora]

whatever your choice is, I hope you find the peace you seek.

 

[dying_kwik2000]

This breaks my heart and I hope you find peace.

 

[elenaboo25]

good luck

 

[pogostick]

The fireworks just ended and honestly, I almost thought they might be so beautiful I'd change my mind, but it's all just so temporary. They only finished an hour ago and they might aswell have not happened at all.

 

[TheHolySword]

I hope you find your peace

 

[itsgone2]

The fireworks just ended and honestly, I almost thought they might be so beautiful I'd change my mind, but it's all just so temporary. They only finished an hour ago and they might aswell have not happened at all.

Whatever happens later, you seem to be facing it bravely. I hope for peace for you, and all of us.

 

[pogostick]

Whatever happens later, you seem to be facing it bravely. I hope for peace for you, and all of us.

Thank you. I have a deep and scared feeling in my chest that I'm hoping I'll be able to work through in the next couple hours. Drinking will probably help lmao.
I hope everybody here gets the peace they deserve.

 

[martyrdom]

My instinct is to ask you to reconsider just because you're expressing fear and a wish that something could change your mind. But I won't do that because it'd be patronizing, only you know your situation. I hope the company here can bring you some comfort while you're going through with this.

 

[peewee]

sending love to you ... i hope you find peace whatever that means. im going to attempt ctb shortly too

 

[pogostick]

My instinct is to ask you to reconsider just because you're expressing fear and a wish that something could change your mind. But I won't do that because it'd be patronizing, only you know your situation. I hope the company here can bring you some comfort while you're going through with this.

Fear is normal. I'm not scared consciously, but I can feel that I am, somewhere. Not everybody is able to get to a point where their mind and body are so worn down that their instincts are totally dead. I'd never expect myself to not be scared of a machine hurling towards me.

 

[martyrdom]

Fear is normal. I'm not scared consciously, but I can feel that I am, somewhere. Not everybody is able to get to a point where their mind and body are so worn down that their instincts are totally dead. I'd never expect myself to not be scared of a machine hurling towards me.

It's absolutely a natural fear, I'm sorry if I was inconsiderate. I hope it's possible for you to have some comfort in these last hours and that it all goes smoothly and the way you want it to.

 

[pogostick]

It's absolutely a natural fear, I'm sorry if I was inconsiderate. I hope it's possible for you to have some comfort in these last hours and that it all goes smoothly and the way you want it to.

It's okay! Sorry if I came off as defensive. I really hope you have a beautiful life, however long it will be.

 

[elenaboo25]

The fireworks just ended and honestly, I almost thought they might be so beautiful I'd change my mind, but it's all just so temporary. They only finished an hour ago and they might aswell have not happened at all.

The fireworks will happen again on New years. And next year. And the year after.

 

[pogostick]

I'm a couple shots in and I feel a lot less scared. I've never been drunk before so this is my first time. Feels like my brain isn't really thinking, which I guess is good.

The fireworks will happen again on New years. And next year. And the year after.

and they'll feel less and less and less special. This was my first time ever watching the bonfire or the fireworks in the place where they're displayed, rather than from afar.

 

[elenaboo25]

I'm a couple shots in and I feel a lot less scared. I've never been drunk before so this is my first time. Feels like my brain isn't really thinking, which I guess is good.

and they'll feel less and less and less special. This was my first time ever watching the bonfire or the fireworks in the place where they're displayed, rather than from afar.

You could watch different fireworks each year.

 

[woodlandcreature]

Whatever happens, I hope you find peace.