Mea Culpa
Mea Culpa, Mea Maxima Culpa, Kyrie Eleison
- Sep 22, 2023
- 173
Does anyone else feel like a complete failure when ctb fails? I've been trying to ctb for almost 3 months now, and when I finally got close, I chickened out. Otherwise it was failure due to things needing allot of adjustments or augmentations etc.
I wanted to be gone a while ago and the fact that i keep failing at it feels like its breaking me in half among all the other things that have piled onto me mentally and emotionally.
I hate that I've been lying to people I care about about this whole thing, I should've been gone so i wouldnt have to lie anymore. Now that it has been so long i feel like if i tell the truth about what's been happening now, they'll be mad at me and leave me. Then I'll truly be left with nothing. I suppose that can be a push to succeed? Doubt it.
Survival instinct is one of the most frustrating things to push through... sure theres a small, insignificant part of me that wants to be able to recover, but what would I be recovering for? I cant see a plausible future for myself. Theres just nothing there.
I just want it all to end so so so badly that all I ever wanna do anymore is cry because of how much I hate myself and how much of a failure I'll ever end up being because not only am I a failure at life. I'm a failure at death too.
It's all so overwhelming and gut wrenching, it all just hurts so badly. I dont want to be here anymore but I just keep failing or being afraid. Its turned into a vicious cycle that's breaking me more and more. Oh god why cant it all just end?!
I wanted to be gone a while ago and the fact that i keep failing at it feels like its breaking me in half among all the other things that have piled onto me mentally and emotionally.
I hate that I've been lying to people I care about about this whole thing, I should've been gone so i wouldnt have to lie anymore. Now that it has been so long i feel like if i tell the truth about what's been happening now, they'll be mad at me and leave me. Then I'll truly be left with nothing. I suppose that can be a push to succeed? Doubt it.
Survival instinct is one of the most frustrating things to push through... sure theres a small, insignificant part of me that wants to be able to recover, but what would I be recovering for? I cant see a plausible future for myself. Theres just nothing there.
I just want it all to end so so so badly that all I ever wanna do anymore is cry because of how much I hate myself and how much of a failure I'll ever end up being because not only am I a failure at life. I'm a failure at death too.
It's all so overwhelming and gut wrenching, it all just hurts so badly. I dont want to be here anymore but I just keep failing or being afraid. Its turned into a vicious cycle that's breaking me more and more. Oh god why cant it all just end?!
