ctb dates don't ensure you'll ctb on that day

[monetpompo]

i keep on postponing to infinity, but when i get my license i'll finally have the opportunity to drive myself to a location to ctb, and no one will be able to stop me as long as i factory reset my phone and don't contact anyone once i'm there. but the concept of deadlines always give me false hope because i keep imagining that i'll be able to die, just to back down when the time doesn't come. sometimes it feels soul crushing to have a date that i thought would be the date pass and to wake up the next morning. the guilt over not doing it and anxiety about having to wait until my next due date can eat me up but never kill me. the more i talk about dying in december the more anxious i feel about not being able to go through with it, or being found out. i need to avoid letting it slip or my friends will convince me to not do it, then i'll end up at square one. get worse, get better, get worse, get better. sisyphus's rock will never crush him as long as he keeps pushing it uphill.

Spoiler: living the same day over and over

embarrassing... (´ω｀)

what i'm doing right now is pretending i'm in recovery, when in reality all i'm doing is biding my time and trying to avoid going into crisis, since i always ask for support when i think i'm going to kill myself. making friends here or looking for connection will be another reason i'd want to stay. i kept thinking about killing myself in october, but i thought about how i might be missed by people on sasu because i was still messaging people on here. trying to find ways to feel happy is actually helping me come to terms with my death. eventually, i need to become less active on sasu when i start putting my plan together. having people check on my account and write me comments is nice, but i know that i'm still going to have to go. i'll write a goodbye thread and swear off the site once i get my license. i'll miss you all. repeatedly trying to do partial hanging in my closet is just way different than going out to the woods at night to do it, or jumping off a bridge. i think that i might do jumping as a method just to have no way to fail, but i know that cops patrol the area because of the suicides that have happened there. dying in the woods sounds easier, but harder willpower-wise.

i want to end on a good note with my friends. that way, they won't be as sad when i die. i plan on hanging out with everyone or talking with each one (I only have about 4 friends i regularly contact, i counted on my fingers). i think that it'll give me a feeling of closure as well. during the fouth of july weekend, when i hung out with my friends and with my sister to watch a fireworks show, i had a similar mindset. i planned on dying, but i didn't, because i was just too afraid. i hope that on the night i die i'll never be afraid again. if i'm still alive in january then i must've landed 5 boyfriends in 1 day and won the lottery, because i don't know what i'd want to be on this planet for anymore.

 

[Grog]

I know you said you don't want to have more reasons to stay. But, I do want to let you know that I think you're a very kind person and you've always been so nice to me. If you ever feel like venting about anything, my DMs are always open for you. Okay?

 

[Lycoris]

I relate really hard to this post, i was super committed to CTB last Friday and I just ended up not doing so because I started being active here and realizing that my method would have just lead me to become even more disabled. I'm still just as suicidal though, same as you I'm pretending like im in recovery but I know eventually i'll act on the impulse when it comes to it. I think wanting closure is also very natural and probably half the reason I'm still here myself. Idk what the answer is but I do really hope if you CTB that you find some closure somehow, dying in an impulsive way is probably the easiest way to panic and end up in an involuntary hold again sadly.

 

[Nightfoot]

I think some people use target dates for motivation, but I also think they can put undue pressure on people, especially given the gravity of what the date is for. There can be any number of reasons why someone might not be ready, changed their mind, is too fearful, etc. There's no shame in not going through with it on a certain date, or ever, for that matter. Be kind to yourself.

 

[madwoman]

Feel the same about pushing my date/month out and I guess I just know I want to feel ready and at peace when I go so I'm trying not to put pressure on it and still tidying up my affairs and getting my last stuff in. I was also doing last hang outs and I kind of just have one hanging over me and feel okay with all the last ones for the others. I know this is all really hard so I hope you go easy on yourself and there isn't a time limit on this

 

[Pale_Rider]

For sure. I never was into the date thing. Didn't even know it was a thing until I discovered SaSu.

 

[monetpompo]

i was super committed to CTB last Friday and I just ended up not doing so because I started being active here and realizing that my method would have just lead me to become even more disabled. I'm still just as suicidal though, same as you I'm pretending like im in recovery but I know eventually i'll act on the impulse when it comes to it. I think wanting closure is also very natural and probably half the reason I'm still here myself.

isn't so jarring how you can be super committed to ctb, just to wake up tomorrow and have the thoughts automatically start cycling again? i think it's one of the things leading me into hell. i just can't shake the thought that i need to die after promising it to myself so many times. pretending to recover and trying to focus on things that'll give me short term relief has been helping. i used to get so angry that i didn't do it that i would lay in bed thinking about how badly i want to die, which just led to my feelings festering and me crying aimlessly while reading posts about hanging attempts on sasu. i'm trying to avoid doing an impulsive method because going to the hospital means you'll get sent to the ward immediately. last month i kept on thinking about overdosing on tylenol/dxm/dph, even got close to buying it online. i stopped myself because it would be a waste of money and i need to work on getting my license.

i hope we both find a way to feel peace. it's tiring to live like this every day. the only way to feel better about is to let go of the expectation is that it's ever going to be easy or like you can live up to a promise that will kill you. i'm trying to let go of my shame, even though it's hard. i try to remind myself every day so that i remember.

I know you said you don't want to have more reasons to stay. But, I do want to let you know that I think you're a very kind person and you've always been so nice to me. If you ever feel like venting about anything, my DMs are always open for you.

i appreciate your message, grog. it's been a while since we talked. the last time i read one of your comments on one of my posts @evanescent_eva was still around. i wasn't as close to her as you were, but i still think of her when i see a picture of asuka fanart. i don't want to talk, but i also think it's because i lack things to say. i can only vent so much until i repeat the same things over again. i'm glad that you feel better enough to be less active on this website.