CTB date

[virginiawoolf86]

So, I know I've talked about CTB before and didn't go through with it. I think I was just holding out for hope. That being said, I think I officially have a date in mind. It's a date that someone close to me passed away. I'm wondering what you guys think about that. Is it selfish to compound the sadness of that day?

I've had a lot of instances this year where I said to myself "I'm not going to make it to my birthday" or "I'm not going to make it to my mom's birthday" or I'm not going to make it to see who wins the election". And yet here I still am. I'm just wondering if I should see 2020 through as kind of "fuck you" to this year because I definitely didn't think I was going to make it. I also want to give myself a chance and see if I can get ECT to help my Cotard's. Problem with that is I don't want to go in-patient again. I was in the hospital enough times this year that if I go again, they might keep me there and that would be the worst turn out of all.

Anyway, just wondering what you all think about any of this. I'm interested in hearing your thoughts. Thank you

 

[darksideofthebright]

Is it selfish to compound the sadness of that day?

I am so sorry life has driven you to this point, and with that said, I don't think you are EITHER selfish OR compounding the sadness of that day. You can't really force yourself to decide on when to ctb, and if it feels right to you, that's all that matters.

I know missing your ctb dates or not feeling ready on the dates you want to can be a bit frustrating. I know it is a cliche, but when it is the right time, you will just feel it; so don't be hard on yourself. You mentioned that you wanted to give yourself a chance with the ECT, so I think maybe a part of you wants to see how things will turn out? If your method is something that will always be available to you, then consider it as an exit button that is always there and you can always have a way out. But if it's not, then maybe re-evaluate what you see in the future in the case the ECT could help with your Cotard's and what kind of door that would. I hope then you will be able to see whether it's something that's really worth holding on.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find the peace and happiness you so deserve!

 

[Gromit-CTB]

Sorry to hear year has been so bad for you. I think you need to do what is right for you. Not trying to ignore giving you any answer, just think you know the answer yourself to get the peace you need.

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I am so sorry life has driven you to this point, and with that said, I don't think you are EITHER selfish OR compounding the sadness of that day. You can't really force yourself to decide on when to ctb, and if it feels right to you, that's all that matters.

I know missing your ctb dates or not feeling ready on the dates you want to can be a bit frustrating. I know it is a cliche, but when it is the right time, you will just feel it; so don't be hard on yourself. You mentioned that you wanted to give yourself a chance with the ECT, so I think maybe a part of you wants to see how things will turn out? If your method is something that will always be available to you, then consider it as an exit button that is always there and you can always have a way out. But if it's not, then maybe re-evaluate what you see in the future in the case the ECT could help with your Cotard's and what kind of door that would. I hope then you will be able to see whether it's something that's really worth holding on.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you can find the peace and happiness you so deserve!

You make many a good point. Thank you for such a thoughtful response. That particular day is important to me which is why I thought of it. But you're right, I can have my exit button ready should things not work out how I expect. It doesn't have to be set in stone until I'm absolutely ready. I appreciate your insight.

Sorry to hear year has been so bad for you. I think you need to do what is right for you. Not trying to ignore giving you any answer, just think you know the answer yourself to get the peace you need.

I appreciate that. I wish it had been a better year. All of this happened like a whirlwind. Wish I appreciated my health and mind more while I had it.

And I'm sure I do. It just helps me to have some external insight on the matter; to talk things out with others.

Thank you for the reply.

 

[Nimbus]

I've had a lot of instances this year where I said to myself "I'm not going to make it to my birthday" or "I'm not going to make it to my mom's birthday" or I'm not going to make it to see who wins the election". And yet here I still am.

I have had these same thoughts this year. Like you, all of these dates have passed and I'm still here. It's not really because I want to be, but because I just haven't felt it was the right time for those around me. I think I've got to come to grips with the fact that it will never be the right time for them - I just need it to be the right time for me.

If you want to pick a date that coincides with the death of someone close to you, I think that's perfectly fine. Do what feels right to you. Most likely, those who know you will understand your reasons for doing so. And on some level, it may be easier to grieve the loss of 2 people on the same day, if that makes sense?

 

[virginiawoolf86]

I have had these same thoughts this year. Like you, all of these dates have passed and I'm still here. It's not really because I want to be, but because I just haven't felt it was the right time for those around me. I think I've got to come to grips with the fact that it will never be the right time for them - I just need it to be the right time for me.

If you want to pick a date that coincides with the death of someone close to you, I think that's perfectly fine. Do what feels right to you. Most likely, those who know you will understand your reasons for doing so. And on some level, it may be easier to grieve the loss of 2 people on the same day, if that makes sense?

You're right, it needs to be what's makes sense for you, not others. It will be difficult regardless, but you should be at peace with your final day.

And that's what I was thinking when picking that date, that it makes sense to mourn the loss of two people on the same day; that the people who know me will understand why I chose it.

Thank you for your input. I really appreciate it. I hope you find your peace as well. We all deserve it.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

I will also echo the date special to you should not cause a issue with ctb if you decided that.