Venting CTB date meddled with before it even arrives

[corazon]

Until around 20 minutes ago, I was eagerly awaiting my CTB date for this Sunday (in five days). I just found out that my family moved plans from the Friday to (you guessed it) this Sunday. Everything was perfect before. The Friday allowed me to get what I needed to get done for the family in time, saving the weekend for me to psych myself into and complete CTB. I've had my date for a couple weeks. It was the first time I'd actually set a date for it and I was feeling good (all things considering). Of all days they could have made arrangements, it had to be my big day. I'm pretty ticked off actually. I'd given a lot of thought to the structure of the days leading up to my (hopeful) death and with one change made over the phone, the clear picture I had has kinda gone up in smoke.

So what do I do now? I could still go through with it... but the whole charm I'd attached to that specific day would be gone. I think I'd feel less in the mood. I could do it earlier, but I don't want to rush myself. Or do I postpone it? Damn it. I wanted it all to be over on this Sunday. And theoretically, it can be. I don't know if I'm expressing myself very well, but the way the day was looking beforehand was what attracted me to ending my life on that day and what it's looking like now just feels forced. It's not like I can politely ask my family to "please reschedule" because "if you don't mind, I'm killing myself that day - pick another one."

In the big scheme of things, this is mad trivial and I apologise for the big stink I'm making about it but I wanted to get it off my chest. I'm just frustrated.

Thanks for reading.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand why you would feel frustrated, I guess that after all it's difficult to set a date in advance for ctb as after all existence is unpredictable, but of course people should be able to die exactly when they want to without the risk of other people interfering, I hate how suicide is so stigmatised in this world and how there's so much secrecy involved in trying to die. But anyway I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.