CTB before or after brother's wedding?

[imaloserbaby]

My brother is getting married next June which I know is a long time from now. I'm not 100% certain I will ctb at all but this has been making me think a lot. He's a good person and I care about him a lot, but we aren't super close (only because I don't really have the ability to get close to anyone) but my entire extended family will be there. Basically, I don't want to get in the way or make it about me. I have a feeling even if I wait til after, I won't be able to even attend the wedding anyway because of how bad my social anxiety has gotten, which would definitely hurt his feelings even if he says he understands. Part of me thinks I should summon every ounce of willpower I have and try to just make it through the wedding as one last gesture to my family before ctb but then maybe that would be worse because I'll be in all their wedding photos etc. Whereas, if I did it a few months before, it's not like everyone will be ok and over it, but at least I won't be the focus of the day and they won't be either hurt that I was too anxious to come or worried I'll have a panic attack and ruin their day.

Just wanted to get peoples' opinion. What do you think you would do?

 

[hermes]

As they say "always take irreversible decisions as late as possible".

I'm not 100% certain I will ctb at all

Also you are not certain.

My suggestion, don't think about CTB,

He's a good person and I care about him a lot

As you say he is good person and you care about him - a lot.

May you overcome social anxiety, attend & enjoy your brother's wedding.

 

[come to dust]

If you think your family will be upset My suggestion would be after, so you can be around for his big day. Otherwise he'll be sad you're not there when it comes around

 

[imaloserbaby]

As they say "always take irreversible decisions as late as possible".



Also you are not certain.

My suggestion, don't think about CTB,

Thanks for replying, yes I agree that I have a lot of thinking to do first but the engagement kind of threw me off in terms of timing. It's not that I don't know whether I want to CTB or not...I do. I've had chronic suicidal thoughts for 20+ years. Just like a lot of people on here, I am absolutely terrified to actually go through with it. If I could push a button right now and be gone I would, it's actually doing it and the risk of failing etc. that I'm scared of. Regardless, I wouldn't be impulsive. But I still think about it every day because I don't really see any other option in my life now.

If you think your family will be upset My suggestion would be after, so you can be around for his big day. Otherwise he'll be sad you're not there when it comes around

Thank you, yes I guess I'm leaning that way but the problem is I may not be able to go anyway. The last time I left my house just to go into a grocery store with my mom I had a massive panic attack like sobbing and wailing and my mom had to lead me back out to the car, it was humiliating. I'm 34 and I can't do anything for myself, my parents have to make phone calls for me and drive me anywhere I need to go, I don't see any of the very few friends I have left in person anymore. If I KNEW I could power through the wedding, I'd definitely wait. But it may actually be worse if I stick around and then when the day comes can't go anyway--both for him being disappointed in me and me hating myself for not being able to do just ONE thing.


I guess I kind of answered my own question...that there's no right answer because even if I stick around for the wedding, there's a chance I physically won't be able to go anyway. Social anxiety has just destroyed me.