hopelesshound
New Member
- Nov 12, 2025
- 2
This is my first post here after lurking for a few days to get a feel for the place and I hope this is allowed. I am physically and mentally disabled to the point of being unable to work, both with no signs of getting better any time soon, at least not with the few resources i have at hand and I'd come to the decision at least 2 years ago that eventually I would CTB as they say on this here forum, but never with an absolute date to do it by because I don't do well with dates. I'd rather prepare my method when the time feels right. But anyways. For the longest time I felt nothing but guilt over this decision. I knew that it would hurt the (admittedly few, yet very close) people around me. But the longer I exist in my suffering, and the more it becomes clear that my existence only serves to comfort the people around me, the more I feel relieved knowing that this is my choice to make. This is the one thing nobody can actually take from me. I have no pets, no children, no partner to grieve over me. My brother and mom would be the only ones who would need to directly deal with the grief of losing me. But I do still feel guilty. I won't get into everything here, but as useless and worthless as I am to the general outside world, I do serve as an anchor for my mom, and my mom serves as an anchor for my brother. I know that this is my personal decision to make, and I support anyone's decision to die when they can either no longer take the burden of reality or they simply feel the time is right, but there is a guilt that I feel knowing that I serve as the smallest domino and that when I ctb, they'll both probably do the same. This guilt hasn't changed my mind at all regarding my decision to ctb, but I do wish there was a way to say sorry for what I'll be putting them through afterwards.
