My date is coming up and im scared

[technicallyAlive]

I set a date a couple years ago to january next year, and i set it so soon because time just seems to move so sluggishly for me i thought it would never come. then 2025 happened and suddenly it was a only year away and then i kinda kept how i would ctb in the back of my mind constantly reminding myself "oh yknow i gotta think about this!" but i kept procrastinating and never did, really only oscillating between overdose, stabbing, and lethal plant seeds. and now its only like a month or two away and i dont know what to do. i dont have access to any of the reliable & lethal drugs you guys talk about on here, i dont have the high enough iq to make some intricate and elaborately designed death mechanism and hell i dont even have a drivers liscense. I don't wanna get scolded for how "dumb" me or my current ctb method is so i wont be mentioning that but oh god this feels so surreal. im gonna be honest i dont even think my method will work.

i think i might be fine with it not working, as long as it gets my family to realize that im not just a comic relief character and that something is seriously wrong with me. i think that if maybe they start caring a little more about my well being then maybe it'll be okay. but then again they're all homophobic, transphobic, rascist and sexist republicans, to which my stepmom told me to my face that she though of suicide as selfish. so who knows, maybe the ounce of love they have for me will go poof the moment i attempt. i do know however that one of my cousins attempted suicide, so i hope that she will at least have empathy for me if no one else.

Overall I think I'll be sad either way. I wanted to try and lose weight so I could feel what it feels like to be pretty before I die, but unless its through rapid weightloss I don't think I'll be able to in such a short time. I also keep thinking of what I could do to defend this website and all of the kind souls in it but I don't think I'll be able to execute any ideas I've had. I wanted to get better at drawing, storytelling and character design but thats something that takes professionals years to accomplish. I have hope that even if I do fail at ctbing that it would at least bring my problems to the surface for the people around me to acknowledge and finally care but I know deep down it won't be that easy and if anything it might just get so much worse. If I survive I'll probably provide updates, alas it is pretty late for me and I gotta wake up in a few hours, good night :)

 

[Mooncry]

I feel similarly, except my method has been sitting in my drawer for a while now (SN). I've been having high anxiety because I really, really don't want to make it to 2026. I'm kinda in the same camp as you where I just had it in my head that, at the latest, I'd attempt at the end of the year, and it was so far away that I didn't think it'd come so soon. I told myself I'd have all this time to "prepare" myself mentally, but I never really did, or maybe I just didn't know how, so I'd always push it out of my mind telling myself I'd deal with it later.

Well, now later has come and I'm dreading it. I know I need to because I'm not happy, but I'm still so scared. I don't think I'll ever stop being scared, so I'm starting to believe that's no longer a valid reason to not do it. But man… I'm having a lot of emotions about it lately.

 

[technicallyAlive]

I feel similarly, except my method has been sitting in my drawer for a while now (SN). I've been having high anxiety because I really, really don't want to make it to 2026. I'm kinda in the same camp as you where I just had it in my head that, at the latest, I'd attempt at the end of the year, and it was so far away that I didn't think it'd come so soon. I told myself I'd have all this time to "prepare" myself mentally, but I never really did, or maybe I just didn't know how, so I'd always push it out of my mind telling myself I'd deal with it later.

Well, now later has come and I'm dreading it. I know I need to because I'm not happy, but I'm still so scared. I don't think I'll ever stop being scared, so I'm starting to believe that's no longer a valid reason to not do it. But man… I'm having a lot of emotions about it lately.

Thats exactly how I feel, you phrased it so much cleaner. I feel better knowing I'm not going through this by myself. I hope you find your peace

 

[ChamberOfEchoes]

I can't fully understand what you're going through, but I can try to understand. I understand that suicide isn't the thing in the world that would make you happiest. It's what might bring you some peace of mind and the attention of the people around you. However, I believe it's wrong to delegate our "well-being" to others. Even if you were to receive some attention or care after a suicide attempt, how long would it last? Would it be enough? Do you think your relatives might change radically about you? You yourself assume it could even get worse. And so you would have once again delegated your peace of mind to others. If you want to participate in the cruel game of life, you have to know its rules. I'm not interested in participating in life in the slightest, but you are.

 

[1mm0lat3]

I get scared about it too. Taking a fatal dose of opioids would be the best, but carbon monoxide will be my method.
I try to rationalize it by thinking I'm gonna be dead one day anyways, I might as well have control over it. This torment won't relent, even if I should back out or fail. I just want my peace.