Venting CTB before graduation

[peridot-tears]

I'm set on ending everything before graduation this May but I don't know what to do. I think something happened to my brain over the years in college because I can't remember shit from any of my classes related to my major (maybe long-term covid symptoms, maybe I hurt my brain with crash dieting, brain tumor?, idk). I study, I read, I use flashcards, I make mini tests, I go to class; and yet I couldn't tell you anything I've learned. I won't be able to get a job (this major was supposed to fix the damage of years being the "poor kid"), I'll be homeless, I'll be in debt. How is it fair that when you're rich you can do and have access to whatever you want and if you're not, your 18 year-old self signs your soul away to Sallie-Mae. I can't believe I let this happen. I'll be at least $60k+ in debt without the means to pay it off. I don't want to see graduation day. This isn't fair, and it's all my fault. If higher education in the US was free, I could have a do-over, a clean slate, but it's not, and I'd rather die than live with the shame that I messed up. My friend grew up riding horses and in a multimillion dollar home; I grew up with my mom stealing my birthday money to buy gas or groceries–I had to save my own toothfairy money in case she didn't have enough to buy lunch from school.

I can't go through that again. Child me depended on me, the future, and I let her down. I wish I could hold her hand look her in the eye and say that I'm sorry for whatever happens before May…

I'm in a college dorm suite (with me in a solo room as my roommate has moved out), so there's nowhere to hang myself from a distance, no privacy to get a helium tank b/c my suitemates will hear the noise and I don't want to accidentally harm them too, and I don't want to deal with SN because I don't want to deal with any pain that could happen if I mess up.
I just want to go out on my own, quickly, quietly, and painlessly; and I don't even know how to do that.

 

[FishRain3469]

I don't believe overdosing is easy by any means.... Regardless.. OP - I'm sorry that you had to grow up like that, I can't even fathom. Thoughts and prayers to you in whatever may happen before graduation.

Take care of yourself if possible. ♥

 

[peridot-tears]

overdose , not the best for painless but easy if u live near a Walgreens/cvs

Anything in particular? I've heard that otc drugs are rather hard to OD on

 

[baberty]

I'm in a similar position. I'm searching for my personal "peaceful pill", but I'm kinda limited physically, as well as having VERY limited access to any reliable methods. Everything I have access to is easily reversible. My living situation would make it a near guarantee that someone would find me before I could ctb. I'm so frustrated. This fucking wheelchair has ruined what little bit of dignity I could've salvaged from my wasted mess of a life. I understand how you feel.