I'm possibly catching the bus in the near future and I feel like writing out my reason to die is part of me finding closure which would make me feel more ready to go.
I actually have many reasons to die. Most of them could be solvable or at least bearable if I really wanted to live, besides this one reason: bipolar disorder.
Bipolar 1 sufferers have to take antipsychotics (APs) for the rest of their lives so that they don't have manic/psychotic episodes. I considered writing about what I got myself into during my episodes, but in order to protect my privacy and dignity, I won't. If you're interested, here are some stories about what people get themselves into while manic/psychotic.
The problem with taking APs is they numb emotions and take the excitement out of life. Without medication, I can get excited about stuff such as working on my creative projects, and going on road trips. On medication, there's no excitement in order to motivate me to make progress on my projects, and road trips feel like too much work because it's not balanced out by the excitement I would otherwise feel while spontaneously exploring places. These are just two examples but you can imagine how if you can't get excited about doing anything that requires effort, how can you motivate yourself to do it? If you're numb all the time, is it worth living? Isn't doing stuff that makes you feel good the point of life? You know that "high on life" feeling? I don't get that on APs.
Another big problem with APs is they make me mentally slow, also known as brain fog. I had a job where I had to do intense thinking, and the medication made me so dumb that I couldn't do my job. Thus, I cannot continue in my career while medicated.
So basically I'm stuck. I find it is not worth living while medicated and numb. I hate how I feel on meds. I also cannot live unmedicated because I've tried that and had another episode that wrecked my life even more. I was hoping to live my daily life without medication and only take them when an episode was coming. That didn't work because I didn't realize I was in an episode until after major damage was done. Can't live on meds, can't live without meds. What's there to do besides CTB?
Perhaps since I have a good reason to CTB, I can let unsound/impulsive reasons push me there. For example, there is a lot of stuff I need to do that I've been putting off due to anxiety and depression, and if I CTB, I don't have to do those things.
I actually have many reasons to die. Most of them could be solvable or at least bearable if I really wanted to live, besides this one reason: bipolar disorder.
Bipolar 1 sufferers have to take antipsychotics (APs) for the rest of their lives so that they don't have manic/psychotic episodes. I considered writing about what I got myself into during my episodes, but in order to protect my privacy and dignity, I won't. If you're interested, here are some stories about what people get themselves into while manic/psychotic.
The problem with taking APs is they numb emotions and take the excitement out of life. Without medication, I can get excited about stuff such as working on my creative projects, and going on road trips. On medication, there's no excitement in order to motivate me to make progress on my projects, and road trips feel like too much work because it's not balanced out by the excitement I would otherwise feel while spontaneously exploring places. These are just two examples but you can imagine how if you can't get excited about doing anything that requires effort, how can you motivate yourself to do it? If you're numb all the time, is it worth living? Isn't doing stuff that makes you feel good the point of life? You know that "high on life" feeling? I don't get that on APs.
Another big problem with APs is they make me mentally slow, also known as brain fog. I had a job where I had to do intense thinking, and the medication made me so dumb that I couldn't do my job. Thus, I cannot continue in my career while medicated.
So basically I'm stuck. I find it is not worth living while medicated and numb. I hate how I feel on meds. I also cannot live unmedicated because I've tried that and had another episode that wrecked my life even more. I was hoping to live my daily life without medication and only take them when an episode was coming. That didn't work because I didn't realize I was in an episode until after major damage was done. Can't live on meds, can't live without meds. What's there to do besides CTB?
Perhaps since I have a good reason to CTB, I can let unsound/impulsive reasons push me there. For example, there is a lot of stuff I need to do that I've been putting off due to anxiety and depression, and if I CTB, I don't have to do those things.
