Ctb because I won't compromise

[rationaltake]

I refuse to accept certain things that I cannot change.

I plan to end my life.

Is this common to other people?

 

[whywere]

Interesting question! My take is that it is neither common or uncommon. Everyone is totally unique in their makeup, especially when it comes to perspective and outlook on a matter and/or life in general.

Now for me, after all the decades that I have been on this planet, I, most of the time, but not 100% of the time, let things roll off me and I shrug my shoulders on things that I cannot change and move on.

I have known folks that were complete opposites of me and that is ok too, as it would be very boring if everyone was the same.

I have not experienced someone or anyone who either ctb or contemplated ctb because of this and at least for me, it would make me very sad to lose a very nice SS member to this.

After 65 years here, reference point only, I have had experiences myself and seen so many times where whatever is impossible to budge and one moves on and forgets about it, as time sometimes can either heal or at least help one forget about a certain nuance.

I send you lots of hugs, well wishes and bright blue sunny skies and the knowledge that I care about you a lot.

Walter

 

[Anxieyote]

I definitely feel deserving of things I'm not going to get. A stress-free job, a rich and rewarding social life, complete financial security, and a loving partner. I have a sense that I should have those things based on the life milestones people are supposed to achieve by age 30, but I don't, and that's plenty of reasons to CTB and not stick around for what comes next.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I have read many books written by the wonderful Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn who preaches unconditional acceptance as the way to happiness.

He draws on Buddhas teaching about there being a right path towards cessation of suffering. That right path is made up of eight noble truths, the most important among them being the practice of mindfulness.

When you are mindful you observe everything inside and outside yourself without judgement, without the desire to change it in any way. If you are able to accept things the way they are, you free yourself from suffering because suffering is caused by the need to control things which we cannot control.

Unconditional acceptance is the only path towards total liberation which in Buddhism is called nirvana.

Thay (as Thich Nhat Hahn is lovingly called by his disciples) says that being mindful and accepting things as they are leads to genuine happiness. He says that the conditions for happiness are always there, but because we do not live mindfully we do not recognize them. He gives the example of a tooth ache. If you have a tooth ache, all you can think of is how miserable you are and how much you suffer from it, but when the tooth ache is gone, you do not spend every day thinking how happy you are for not having a tooth ache.

According to Thay the seeds of happiness are to be found in everything, even in the darkest despair. Indeed, he says that without suffering there can be no joy, just as without mud there can be no lotus. We must water the seeds of happiness by paying attention to them: you can breathe- smile; you can walk - enjoy; you can drink a cup of tea - rejoice.

Having said all this, and despite having infinite admiration for Thay's wisdom and Zen Buddhism in general, I can neither practice acceptance nor water my seeds of happiness. That's why I am contemplating suicide every day of my life.
To answer your question: I don't know if it's common for other people. But your situation is my situation also.

 

[FuneralCry]

I refuse to accept this pointless empty existence, I cannot accept it. I cannot deal with the fact that I could potentially be suffering for many more decades, the thought of this overwhelms me, so I know I need to ctb. I find it cruel how the society expects us to put up with this life no matter how bad it gets. We have no obligations to stay alive anyway, we have the right to exit at a time of our own choosing and nobody else has any say in it.

 

[GentleJerk]

I refuse to accept certain things that I cannot change.

Such as?

 

[Crazy4u]

yeah. Some things truly cannot change. What are the things bothering you the most?

 

[9BBN]

I think everybody has the right to draw the line somewhere. But I agree with Callie that unconditional acceptance is the path toward liberation. Not everyone can do that though. It's complicated because if something was in our control, why would we ctb? I would hope that people only ctb over things out of our control. Just make sure you're drawing the line at a rational place, you've done what you can, and you're sure this is what you want.

 

[rationaltake]

Such as?

yeah. Some things truly cannot change. What are the things bothering you the most?

Memories. And this physical body.

 

[demuic]

Yes, absolutely. Ultimately that is the reason behind every reason why I want to CTB. I refuse to accept a medicore and painful existence. I refuse to accept the cruelty and stupidity of humans. I refuse to accept a mind and body that were broken from the start. I refuse to accept a world full of madness and chaos.

I don't see why I should compromise or accept a subpar state of being. It's not as if life is heavenly and there is anything worth being alive for that makes up for the endless amount of suffering and bullshit.

 

[rationaltake]

I have read many books written by the wonderful Zen Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hahn who preaches unconditional acceptance as the way to happiness.

He draws on Buddhas teaching about there being a right path towards cessation of suffering. That right path is made up of eight noble truths, the most important among them being the practice of mindfulness.

When you are mindful you observe everything inside and outside yourself without judgement, without the desire to change it in any way. If you are able to accept things the way they are, you free yourself from suffering because suffering is caused by the need to control things which we cannot control.

Unconditional acceptance is the only path towards total liberation which in Buddhism is called nirvana.

Thay (as Thich Nhat Hahn is lovingly called by his disciples) says that being mindful and accepting things as they are leads to genuine happiness. He says that the conditions for happiness are always there, but because we do not live mindfully we do not recognize them. He gives the example of a tooth ache. If you have a tooth ache, all you can think of is how miserable you are and how much you suffer from it, but when the tooth ache is gone, you do not spend every day thinking how happy you are for not having a tooth ache.

According to Thay the seeds of happiness are to be found in everything, even in the darkest despair. Indeed, he says that without suffering there can be no joy, just as without mud there can be no lotus. We must water the seeds of happiness by paying attention to them: you can breathe- smile; you can walk - enjoy; you can drink a cup of tea - rejoice.

Having said all this, and despite having infinite admiration for Thay's wisdom and Zen Buddhism in general, I can neither practice acceptance nor water my seeds of happiness. That's why I am contemplating suicide every day of my life.
To answer your question: I don't know if it's common for other people. But your situation is my situation also.

Buddhism did use to speak to me. I have read books by the Dalai Lama but nothing by Thich Nhat Hahn. Thank you for elucidating his precepts. Like you I cannot practice acceptance nor water my seeds of happiness. In common with everything which gave me joy Buddhist practice is now a source of pain. And yes. Control is a big issue for me and plays a big part in my desire to end my life. Thank you. I always appreciate your eloquent and thoughtful posts. Language was a source of joy for me in the past. Now I struggle to express myself at all. Hence my posts are often stark and minimalist. Not accepting those things I cannot change causes major suffering. My perspective on my situation is similar to yours although I can't say I have attained your spiritual depth.

Interesting question! My take is that it is neither common or uncommon. Everyone is totally unique in their makeup, especially when it comes to perspective and outlook on a matter and/or life in general.

Now for me, after all the decades that I have been on this planet, I, most of the time, but not 100% of the time, let things roll off me and I shrug my shoulders on things that I cannot change and move on.

I have known folks that were complete opposites of me and that is ok too, as it would be very boring if everyone was the same.

I have not experienced someone or anyone who either ctb or contemplated ctb because of this and at least for me, it would make me very sad to lose a very nice SS member to this.

After 65 years here, reference point only, I have had experiences myself and seen so many times where whatever is impossible to budge and one moves on and forgets about it, as time sometimes can either heal or at least help one forget about a certain nuance.

I send you lots of hugs, well wishes and bright blue sunny skies and the knowledge that I care about you a lot.

Walter

Thank you for caring and for your hugs good wishes and encouragement. Which I return. Much appreciated. I'm nearly the same age as you but I don't have your wise perspective on life. I wish you a good day. Take care.

 

[Snake of Eden]

How about accepting your inability to accept things. You dont need buddist mental gymnastics to convince you that somewhat you will overcome suffering through radical acceptance. I understand it is paradoxical but i personally has achieved some degree of peace by not feeling bad for feeling shitty about things outside of my control. I still suffer greatly and I dont sincerely think there are modalities that exist which will remove suffering and pain or even reduce it. Just let it be and let yourself feel bad about it. Religions including buddism seem to apply some kind of pressure that you should feel a certain way. Well, you dont have to really. Let the darkness engulf you then maybe thats how you may cross to the other side but know that there are no guarantees and it is not because you arent trying hard enough. Its ok to not feel ok even though it is not.

 

[rationaltake]

How about accepting your inability to accept things. You dont need buddist mental gymnastics to convince you that somewhat you will overcome suffering through radical acceptance. I understand it is paradoxical but i personally has achieved some degree of peace by not feeling bad for feeling shitty about things outside of my control. I still suffer greatly and I dont sincerely think there are modalities that exist which will remove suffering and pain or even reduce it. Just let it be and let yourself feel bad about it. Religions including buddism seem to apply some kind of pressure that you should feel a certain way. Well, you dont have to really. Let the darkness engulf you then maybe thats how you may cross to the other side but know that there are no guarantees and it is not because you arent trying hard enough. Its ok to not feel ok even though it is not.

Thanks. I think I understand. I like paradoxes. Sadly though, I've been tormented by these things for decades. I'm also obsessive which doesn't help.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I'm also obsessive which doesn't help.

I experienced intense episodes of obsessive-compulsive thoughts as a side effect of SSRI. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I feel a world of compassion for anyone who deals with this on a daily basis. It's merciless. How do you cope with it?

Sending you strength & light

 

[rationaltake]

I experienced intense episodes of obsessive-compulsive thoughts as a side effect of SSRI. It was one of the most harrowing experiences of my life. I feel a world of compassion for anyone who deals with this on a daily basis. It's merciless. How do you cope with it?

Sending you strength & light

Thank you. Obsessive-compulsive thoughts wear you down. That must have been truly awful. I get into a mind-set where I have to make a mental narrative of things that have happened with an even number of words and sentences. Ridiculous I know. I also have to keep checking things. Everything I use or own has to be a certain way. Perfect in other words! I've ended up with hardly any clothes or possessions and no life. OCD alone is enough for me to consider suicide.

Strength and light to you. ❤

 

[Callie Arcale]

Thank you. Obsessive-compulsive thoughts wear you down. That must have been truly awful. I get into a mind-set where I have to make a mental narrative of things that have happened with an even number of words and sentences. Ridiculous I know. I also have to keep checking things. Everything I use or own has to be a certain way. Perfect in other words! I've ended up with hardly any clothes or possessions and no life. OCD alone is enough for me to consider suicide.

Strength and light to you. ❤

All my life I've had a slight touch of OCD, but I didn't know there was a name for it, and I didn't even realize it was a thing. I count things in my mind - anything from stripes on my blouse to flowers on my wallpaper - and the final number has to be even. If it isn't an even number, it pangs me a little. I feel a sharp pain for a millisecond.

I say "a slight touch of OCD" because this habit does not really inconvenience me, I don't alter my behaviour as a consequence, in the same way you do. But it's there and when I am stressed I start counting in my mind. I suffer from depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) with panic attacks.

Perfect in other words! I've ended up with hardly any clothes or possessions and no life.

Oh my, that sounds so difficult, so very difficult… Goddamn this life and all its million ways of inflicting torture on us!

 

[rationaltake]

I say "a slight touch of OCD" because this habit does not really inconvenience me, I don't alter my behaviour as a consequence, in the same way you do. But it's there and when I am stressed I start counting in my mind. I suffer from depression and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) with panic attacks.

Panic attacks must be atrocious. Particularly together with your other conditions.

Goddamn this life and all its million ways of inflicting torture on us!

Yes. Indeed. So many people suffer in a myriad of different ways. I'd admire the invention of it all if it wasn't so cruel.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I'd admire the invention of it all if it wasn't so cruel.

So well put…

 

[D&D]

I like how Schopenhauer expressed it: "If our life were without end and free from pain, it would possibly not occur to anyone to ask why the world exists, and why it does so in precisely this way, but everything would be taken purely as a matter of course."

It isn't the absence of pain and suffering that makes the life enjoyable or at least livable ... rather it is the absence of the reason(s) for it. Those that, like monks or artists, have managed to transform their pains and sufferings into various teachings, works of art/literature, or some other kind of higher mission or calling - have indeed given the meaning(s) to their sufferings and in doing so become able (and willing) to carry them further/longer. To the benefit of many.

 

[rottenteeth]

I think it is normal to CTB because ones life is unfullfilling and not what they want, whatever the reasons. There has been some disagreements on what are "stupid" reasons to CTB. I do not believe there are any because the cause is usually a deeper reason than the surface (ie not having a enough likes on social media equates to being unloved and alone). I am not one to argue because it is usually pointless if everyone has their minds set already.

 

[cyanol]

This is also exactly why I'm here now. "Focus on small good things" or "Just accept yourself, including your lack of capability to" sounds hollow to me. It's good to know others who have similar thoughts. I wish you the best.

 

[jimmy7754]

I can't breathe anymore after 30 years old. This pandemic ruined my routines and I got mixed up in an accident during it. I really can't handle life anymore. Can't even afford the things I want to be independent.

 

[whywere]

I can't breathe anymore after 30 years old. This pandemic ruined my routines and I got mixed up in an accident during it. I really can't handle life anymore. Can't even afford the things I want to be independent.

HI! I am so sorry for what has happened to you. I also had Covid upend my life completely. I was laid off after 29.5 years because of Covid and with a banged-up body, I have to be careful when going out for food and my meds.

I also have had to cut way back to just food, meds and that is it. I cannot even afford to have a pizza delivered right now. BUT...BUT, I have all my friends here on SS, including you! and that in itself makes up for a lot of the upheaval in my life.

I send you lots of hugs, well wishes and sunny skies. You are a kind person with a huge heart, your post says that loud and clear.

All my best to you, friend.

Walter

 

[summers]

I refuse to accept certain things that I cannot change.

I plan to end my life.

Is this common to other people?

I refuse to accept aging/getting old. That's my reason to ctb. Don't know if this is quite what you meant.

 

[1Mazda16]

I refuse to accept certain things that I cannot change.

I plan to end my life.

Is this common to other people?

You're playing my song, friend.

 

[little helpers]

I refuse to accept certain things that I cannot change.

I plan to end my life.

Is this common to other people?

TBH this is what's been driving my attempts lately. not the prior ones. becuz these things I cannot change affect me a bit too personally. and by not being able to change, I mean I'm 99.99% sure about it. and chances of hope has and will only be on a steady decline. so that's it there.

if I gotta put it in a few words it's "my meaning is all spent".

yeah and definitely Covid too.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I have no interest in leading a life without all the things that make life worth living. This is not life. This slow torture.

 

[little helpers]

I have no interest in leading a life without all the things that make life worth living. This is not life. This slow torture.

same boat.

 

[rationaltake]

I refuse to accept aging/getting old. That's my reason to ctb. Don't know if this is quite what you meant.

Exactly what I meant.

TBH this is what's been driving my attempts lately. not the prior ones. becuz these things I cannot change affect me a bit too personally. and by not being able to change, I mean I'm 99.99% sure about it. and chances of hope has and will only be on a steady decline. so that's it there.

if I gotta put it in a few words it's "my meaning is all spent".

yeah and definitely Covid too.

I'm in exactly the same position.

I have no interest in leading a life without all the things that make life worth living. This is not life. This slow torture.

Snap. I don't want to be a lesser being leading a restricted life.