CTB because I feel I deserve to die

[xLosthopex]

Is anyone else planning to ctb because you feel like you deserve to die? I've always had a major fear of being a 'bad person' and even since I was a young child I always carried some form of guilt or shame with me due to this inherent belief/fear of being a morally bad person.
I have BPD(as well as autism, OCD, anorexia nervosa, depression) and it has caused me to make some bad mistakes and cause harm to others when I was at a very low point with it and not being able to cope with the guilt is one of my main(but not only) reason for choosing to ctb.
Can anyone relate? It's hard because like I don't necessarily want to die, but I feel like I have to, like it's the only way I can redeem myself. It's the same reason I torture myself with my eating disorder also. And it makes me so angry when people tell me not to ctb or try to recover from my anorexia because I just think 'well if you actually knew how terrible a person I am you would think I deserve this too'

Ps. Please do not tell me not to ctb, because I've thought long and hard about it and have decided that ultimately it is the right and most rational choice for me.

 

[Dot]

Is anyone else planning to ctb because you feel like you deserve to die? I've always had a major fear of being a 'bad person' and even since I was a young child I always carried some form of guilt or shame with me due to this inherent belief/fear of being a morally bad person.
I have BPD(as well as autism, OCD, anorexia nervosa, depression) and it has caused me to make some bad mistakes and cause harm to others when I was at a very low point with it and not being able to cope with the guilt is one of my main(but not only) reason for choosing to ctb.
Can anyone relate? It's hard because like I don't necessarily want to die, but I feel like I have to

Ps. Please do not tell me not to ctb, because I've thought long and hard about it and have decided that ultimately it is the right and most rational choice for me.

Rel8 2 nt wntng 2 bt feelng hv 2. Nt n.e. othr optn. Is horribl 4 SI.

Nt flt desrv 2 die b/ hv strggld w/ feelng lke am bd persn - oftn bc flt responsbl 4 evry1 elss feelngs. Also emotins wernt smthng tht felt, emotns wre smethng tht did 2 othr ppl. 4 tht reasn alwys flt ws bd prsn & pushd 'bad' feelngs dwn as reslt & alwys flt gulty 4 bein self / alwys flt ws hidng smthng.

 

[Death is beautiful]

I don't see anything bad in death, eternal sleep is a great blessing and we deserve it

 

[lastlife_]

I don't necessarily think I'm a bad person and deserve to die because of it.. however I do feel like my presence or existence becomes more and more of a burden on my family which makes me hold a lot of guilt, and in turn becomes another reason amongst others to ctb. I've suffered with imposter syndrome my whole life so I've never felt like I or anything I do is worthy, worthwhile, meaningful or beneficial to anyone. I'm sure we are just being too hard on ourselves but when it's ingrained in who we are, it's not like we can change.. at least not suddenly.

The main reasons I want to die is I just feel absolutely worthless and without purpose. I have no ambition, motivation or desire for life or living. I can see and recognise the wonderful things life has to offer, but for me, I just can't say it's enough for me. It's like there's a black hole in my mind that just leaves my soul empty. If I live, I can see my future already.. suffering mentally and emotionally, suffering financially.. living a pitiful and meaningless existence.. it's just not worth it.. I wish I had that drive and fire within me but I don't. I don't think I ever had.

 

[deathgripsme]

I don't see anything bad in death, eternal sleep is a great blessing and we deserve it

This made me feel good about my choice thank you

 

[Pluto]

I have always felt 'inferior' to everyone else, and even when I've achieved things, it feels like overcompensation. It's not hard to see how this happened, as I was universally despised by my family and at school since the youngest age and never knew what it felt like to really be loved. But that intellectual knowledge doesn't change anything.

Someone once posted here the opposite, wanting to CTB because of feeling too good for this Earth. It's effectively the same thing. What we want is to feel like we are one of the people who belong here, not unworthy or too good or alien in any other way.

 

[8evergo]

I dance with the death and kiss them, catch them

 

[FuneralCry]

Yes, I deserve to die. I deserve to be at peace and to be free from suffering, I deserve better than this life. We all deserve the right to die. None of us asked to exist in the first place.

 

[Hangman]

I feel like a bad person for some of my actions and thoughts. One reason why I consider to CTB.

Guessing we have unrealistically high moral standards for ourselves.

 

[Dot]

I feel like a bad person for some of my actions and thoughts. One reason why I consider to CTB.

Guessing we have unrealistically high moral standards for ourselves.

 

[Snake of Eden]

Rel8 2 nt wntng 2 bt feelng hv 2. Nt n.e. othr optn. Is horribl 4 SI.

Nt flt desrv 2 die b/ hv strggld w/ feelng lke am bd persn - oftn bc flt responsbl 4 evry1 elss feelngs. Also emotins wernt smthng tht felt, emotns wre smethng tht did 2 othr ppl. 4 tht reasn alwys flt ws bd prsn & pushd 'bad' feelngs dwn as reslt & alwys flt gulty 4 bein self / alwys flt ws hidng smthng.

Do you talk with a spoon in your mouth?

 

[Dot]

Do you talk with a spoon in your mouth?

Dnt tlk @ all & hvnt 4 ovr 6 mnths.

 

[Kennish]

I don't necessarily think I'm a bad person and deserve to die because of it.. however I do feel like my presence or existence becomes more and more of a burden on my family which makes me hold a lot of guilt, and in turn becomes another reason amongst others to ctb. I've suffered with imposter syndrome my whole life so I've never felt like I or anything I do is worthy, worthwhile, meaningful or beneficial to anyone. I'm sure we are just being too hard on ourselves but when it's ingrained in who we are, it's not like we can change.. at least not suddenly.

The main reasons I want to die is I just feel absolutely worthless and without purpose. I have no ambition, motivation or desire for life or living. I can see and recognise the wonderful things life has to offer, but for me, I just can't say it's enough for me. It's like there's a black hole in my mind that just leaves my soul empty. If I live, I can see my future already.. suffering mentally and emotionally, suffering financially.. living a pitiful and meaningless existence.. it's just not worth it.. I wish I had that drive and fire within me but I don't. I don't think I ever had.

I can relate to this. I've never had the drive. My mental state and genetics was bad from the start. I was really good in school with some classes, and always got this "if you just do your homework and stay focused you're going places", but I never had the drive. I didn't have the right background with parents. I didn't have a happy home, and then it's hard to have a drive for anything.

Instead I just messed around and started smoking weed in 9'th grade. From there on it was just one way. Down. Smoked in my room at my parents home for 5-7 years. And they say they didn't know I smoked in my room. What a load of bullshit. They just looked the other way.

A lot of my problems come from my upbringing. If I had gotten some of my genetics replaced and was born in a happy home with comfort and love, I would probably be in another place in life.

But seriously. As long as I can remember. I've never felt truly happy. Always depressed. Always anxious. Always longing for something else. Always wanting to be someone else. In someone else's body.

I hate my body. I hate it so much. And I hate that I was giving birth to this existence of suffering. And the genetics my parents gave me. I hate it. I don't get it. What's the fucking point?

Some people just live their life and have that drive and motivation. I just don't. Never had. Life gave me an uncomfortable body, depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, bad genetics and I could go on.

Do you talk with a spoon in your mouth?

I believe @Dot has a brain damage, and that is why he/she is writing like that. Be kind. I also can have difficulty understanding it, but no need to be rude.

 

[YourNeighbor]

We're just vessels for DNA. To allow for it to evolve we have to die, so I suppose in a sense we all deserve to. I only wish I had a few more decades, because damn, even something as simple as watching clouds float by is pretty amazing.