Ctb as a form of mercy to others

[attheend13]

I think my death would be a blessing to those around me. I don't want to die and leave people obligated to say it's a loss. I want to give people the gift of being honest. How can you ctb and give people permission to express their relief and even joy when you go? A note? Is there a method that allows that? I don't want to just remove the burden of being around me I want the people I love to be free. Truly free. I never was. I wish I could give that yo others.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I suppose all you can do is explain in a note that you want them to now feel free.

Ultimately though- it's tricky. We know ourselves that we can't be told how to feel. Plus, suggesting that you felt a burden may well just make them feel bad that they made you feel like that.

I want people to try to feel happy for me- that I (hopefully) escaped a life I found so difficult to endure. But, I'm not sure that's realistic either.

I suppose ultimately, we can't actually deny them their grief or guilt even. Anymore that they can tell us not to be unhappy now.

Maybe we can give them a kind of permission not to grieve or feel guilt. By saying it's something we never wanted and, hope they don't experience. But ultimately, they may need to go through that. I actually hated it when my Dad used to try and stop me crying over lossed loved ones, saying it's not what they would have wanted. I think we need to cry though. We need to feel and express whatever feels needed.

 

[dead dav]

I could go with that I think my family would be better off without me and my shame also one less human using up resources in my eyes win win just need the bottle to hang myself

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I've been starting to feel this way too. I've been doing a thought experiment. If I had ctb 6 months ago, how would people who know me be doing now? Most would have moved on, family would have made adjustments and progressed in getting by without me. They'd be stronger, wiser, free of my annoying presence. I've always thought I wouldn't leave a note but lately have been thinking I might, to let them know that it might hurt at first but that part of the reason I did this was for their benefit. I truly am toxic.

 

[TBONTB]

it resonates for me what others are saying here. That it's hard to know how others truly feel, and that they need the room to grieve if that's what they feel. I don't know how realistic it is that they find you a burden either..that kind of depends.

You could write a note that simply says you love them, they couldn't have done anything to help, and that you are glad you won't be a burden. Just a little acknowledgment. That might help people.

 

[easypeasy]

I think my death would be a blessing to those around me. I don't want to die and leave people obligated to say it's a loss. I want to give people the gift of being honest. How can you ctb and give people permission to express their relief and even joy when you go? A note? Is there a method that allows that? I don't want to just remove the burden of being around me I want the people I love to be free. Truly free. I never was. I wish I could give that yo others.

Something like this:
Please know that your peace, even your happiness, is not a betrayal of me or the love we shared. It is insightful, and compassionate. Feel your feelings, of course, but then let yourself heal. Moving forward is not a betrayal.
I also don't think you'd be doing them a favour by ending your life. Unless they've collectively all told you that your absence will make their life's better, that's something you can up with alone. I think it's important not to assume other people's thoughts and act on those assumptions. Especially something as final as suicide.

 

[attheend13]

Something like this:
Please know that your peace, even your happiness, is not a betrayal of me or the love we shared. It is insightful, and compassionate. Feel your feelings, of course, but then let yourself heal. Moving forward is not a betrayal.
I also don't think you'd be doing them a favour by ending your life. Unless they've collectively all told you that your absence will make their life's better, that's something you can up with alone. I think it's important not to assume other people's thoughts and act on those assumptions. Especially something as final as suicide.

I know this is an old comment but I'm going to answer anyway. I have either the blessing or curse of having heard it directly, first from my father when I turned 14. I had left home by that time and I had taken my first big overdose the night before. He came to the home I was working in for room and board and took me for a drive to his work his church and his home. Then he parked and told me I'm an embarrassment to him. You're a thorn in my side, a pain in my ass. And then something about my birth being a mistake. I remember it because I was so out of it after having woken up after the OD. It was a mix of over the counter I didn't know about all we know now and how unlikely a way out it is. I couldn't believe I was still alive to hear this. It's not everyone who has said it, it's one or two. But you learn to see it on their faces. Hear it in the tone of their voice. You're right that you can't know but in the other hand yes you can.

 

[HNR_]

I know this is an old comment but I'm going to answer anyway. I have either the blessing or curse of having heard it directly, first from my father when I turned 14. I had left home by that time and I had taken my first big overdose the night before. He came to the home I was working in for room and board and took me for a drive to his work his church and his home. Then he parked and told me I'm an embarrassment to him. You're a thorn in my side, a pain in my ass. And then something about my birth being a mistake. I remember it because I was so out of it after having woken up after the OD. It was a mix of over the counter I didn't know about all we know now and how unlikely a way out it is. I couldn't believe I was still alive to hear this. It's not everyone who has said it, it's one or two. But you learn to see it on their faces. Hear it in the tone of their voice. You're right that you can't know but in the other hand yes you can.

Fuck your father
I don't care if he fed you and gave you shelter and all that jazz, no father should tell that to his own kid, shame on him...

 

[HFK40000]

Partially yes. I am a problem or at best am inconvenience for everyone in my life. When I'm gone their lives will not be affected all that much. I'm no George Bailey.

 

[attheend13]

Fuck your father
I don't care if he fed you and gave you shelter and all that jazz, no father should tell that to his own kid, shame on him...

Actually he didn't give me shelter. I left my moms home at 14 because of the abuse level. I lived with my father for a few months. My sister came first and he said no to me coming too, he didn't want me, but she talked him into it. After a few months I had to leave so I went to work for a pedophile and his wife. After too many advances, violations in that home it was my fourteenth birthday and I couldn't face any more rejection, or Shame, so I overdosed. I was in that room in the basement for a long time. But nobody cared so nobody checked. The wife knocked on my door and i realized I was still alive, but inexplicably my father was there. He took me for a drive and at first I thought it was for my birthday. In a strange way it was. His hate and rejection has been echoed in every face and every relationship. He was right about one thing. I am an embarrassing mistake.

 

[HNR_]

He was right about one thing. I am an embarrassing mistake.

You really aren't, pieces of shit like your father have no rights to judge you and I'm terribly sorry to hear that you had such a horrible childhood