CTB - 2021. Who is with me?

[it's_all_a_game]

I was gonna die on Feb 18, but now it's April 6 (hopefully).

 

[TooMuchToBear]

I might be on the list too. Hopefully in the next few months and before the middle of the year. It'll be difficult to overcome guilt and SI though.

 

[Didymus]

Not me, I'll choose my own time.

 

[deleted]

I hope everything works out for me to get out of this hell this year

 

[Infinite Conscious]

I'm in. Desperately trying to find courage to jump or hang. Can't get hold of SN, but if it ever somehow gets into my hands, it's going into my mouth in a matter of hours. It is even more depressing to know that something that costs less than 10eur is unattainable and keeps me stuck in this nightmare.

2020 would have been better, a nice round number and the year that will be remembered.
But 2021 it is.
I'm going to be among those 1 million souls that willingly leave each year and desperately hope they won't be judged and punished for "playing God".

 

[Adamsnolife]

Yes I'm in. When these UK restrictions are over, mainly the travel ban then hopefully I am off.

 

[AbsoluteNothingness]

I fucking wish and hope or whatever tf those 'verbs'/'words' mean that I'll be able to finally die/not exist at all/completely and entirely and totally and literally DISAPPEAR for all 'eternity' this year after so many years trying to but i doubt it's possible... I'll try to attempt this 'summer' or whatever tf "sUmMeR" means in a day 'when' my 'parents' will be 'out' for I guess enough hours for me to """pRoPeRlY""" 'prepare' the attempt and not risk failing/getting found, but it'll be extremely risky... I dont think i will, though... (AND IT'S SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.) (i just don't have any 'reliable' way out yet, and it must be fast too but actually no method is fast enough except for gunshot and im not in the 'US' so...) because of the fucking 'inevitable' """""gUiLt""""" oF 'lEaViNg' mY 'pArEnTs'/'fAmIlY' 'bEhInD' and 'making' 'them' 'suffer'/'cry' and be 'extremely'/'very' 'dEvAsTaTeD'/'hUrT'/'sHoCkEd'/'tRaUmAtIzEd' or whatever tf 'those' 'words' mean, also because i 'highly' 'doubt' I'll actually have enough time {let's say my method will be sn, that fucking takes a lot of fucking 'preparation'/'planning' for it to 100% 'work' and i can't fast at all because i don't live alone and my 'parents' would 'ask' me why i don't 'eat' during the 'meals' or whatever tf that means/is and would suspect a lot, so fasting is just impossible for me 'here'...} to 'properly' or whatever tf that crap means lmao 'prepare' everything for the attempt and anyone could fucking 'ring' the fucking 'doorbell' anytime, or one of my 'siblings' or whatever tf that means/is could 'go' to the 'house' anytime too and then after drinking the sn I guess id fall 'unconscious' after a short one but the fucking 'problem' or whatever tf that fucking 'word' means is the fcking time from unconsciousness until DEATH, it can take so fucking long and in all that time my 'parents' can 'arrive' at the 'house' or any other 'family member'/'relative' could 'phone call' or 'ring' the fucking 'bell' and then id be fucking found while still unconscious and not DEAD yet and they'd immediately take me to a fucking 'hospital' and then to a fucking 'psych ward' then 'put' on fucking 'sUiCiDe WaTcH' and then id have to fucking 'wait' 'at least' anorher whole fucking 'year' until they "forget" about my attempt and i finally have another opportunity and can finally try to attempt/"ctb" again without being suspicious. FUCK. FUCKKKKK!!!!!!!! Why the fuck its SO FUCKING HARD to FINALLY DIE/NOT 'EXIST' AT ALL/DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY AND ENTIRELY AND LITERALLY FOREVER/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE IN GENERAL AT ALL WHY FFS WHY?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!
Also because of the fucking "fear" of 'failing'/getting 'caught' and being 'sent' to a fucking psych ward or whatever tf that garbage crap is/means and not having any more opportunities, and it's so fucking damn frustrating!!!!!!!!!!!! And well, just because they'd be extremely 'devastated' and 'sad' and itd 'hurt' them 'a lot' and theyll 'cry' 'a lot' and just because itll 'impact'/'affect' them 'a lot' fOr ThE rEsT oF tHeIr lIvEs DOESNT mean I'll never attempt/*kill myself/"CTB"{"catch" the "bus" to the absolute total eternal plain pure complete endless nothingness and non-existence, NOT "catch" the "bus" to "something"/an "afterlife"} [*not with the same 'meaning' that "kill myself" has for all of you and literally everyone else in general, i DONT want to "commit suicide"/to "suicide", I SIMPLY LITERALLY BASICALLY WANT TO DISAPPEAR FORWVER ENTIRELY AND TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY FOR ALL ETERNITY FOREVER ENDLESSLY/DIE/JUST NOT EXIST AT ALL/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL AND THAT'S IT AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY DAMN REASON IN GENERAL AT ALL. IVE ALWAYS WANTED/WANTED TO WANT, WANT/WANT TO WANT AND WILL LITERALLY ALWAYS WILL NO FCKING MATTER WHAT AND RHATS IT THATS BASICALLY IT THERE ARENT ANY FCKING DAMN REASONS IN GENERAL OF ANY TYPE AT ALL] I definitely will someday, its 'actually' 'a bit 'hard' because of the fcking 'inevitable' """gUiLt""" bc my 'parents'/'family' would be 'absolutely'/'extremely' 'devastated' and 'hurt' and 'shocked'/'traumatized' and blahblah and my 'parents' 'adopted' a cat that 'loves'/'wants' me a lot and blah blah blah blah but that DOESN'T mean i won't do it and FINALLY DIE/NOT 'EXIST' AT ALL/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY DEFINITELY COMPLETELY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL. Im very "sorry" for them but this SHOULDN'T be a fucking obligation!!!!!! i SHOULDNT be fucking forced/obligated to FOR FUCKS DAMN SAKE!!!!!! I SIMPLY BASICALLY LITERALLY JUST FUCKING DONT WANT TO 'EXIST' AT ALL (AS ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY ANY 'BEING'/'ENTITY'/'SPECIES'/'LIFE FORM'/'CREATURE' ETC AT ALL IN GENERAL, BASICALLY LITERALLY ANYTHING/ANYONE AT ALL OF ANY TYPE/WAY/FORM/SHAPE/DIMENSION/KIND NOR ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING ELSE IN GENERAL AT ALL NOR WHATEVER TF IN GENERAL AT ALL. NOR 'EXIST'/'BE'/'LIVE'/'INHABIT' ETC ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL OF ANY TYPE/WAY/FORM ETC AT ALL WHATEVER HOWEVER WHEREVER ETC THE FCK IT IS/CAN BE AND BASICALLY A LOOOONG ETC FFS I SIMPLY JUST DONT I LITERALLY JUST FCKING DONT AND THATS IT THERE ARENT ABSLUTELY ANY DAMN FCKING REASONS IN GENERAL AT ALL!!!!!) NOR 'EXPERIENCE' ETC ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING AT ALL IN GENERAL AND SIMPLY JUST DONT FUCKING (AND DONT WANT TO WANT TO AT ALL AND NEVER AT ALL EVER WILL!!!!!) WANT NOR GIVE A GODDAMN FUCK ABOUT NOR HAVE ABSOLUTELY ANY DAMN 'INTEREST' NOR 'CURIOSITY' NOR 'ATTRACTION' NOR ANY OTHER CRAP LIKE THAT IN GENERAL FOR|ABOUT|IN ETCETCETC JUST SIMPLY BASICALLY ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL, ANYTHING!!!!! A N Y T H I N G. THAT'S IT. FOR FUCKS SAKE. ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING OF ANY TYPE/WAY ETC AT ALL IN GENERAL, LITERALLY NO 'MATTER' WHAT/HOW ETC TF IT IS/CAN BE, NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT/WHERE ETC TF ITS 'FROM'/'IN'/'ABOUT'/'RELATED TO'/'ASSOCIATED WITH' NOR BLAHBLAHBLAETCETC WHATEVER THE DAMN FCK IN GENERAL AND A LOOOONG ETC. I SIMPLY JUST LITERALLY BASICALLY FUCKING DONT WANT TO/DONT WANT TO FCKING WANT TO AND THAT'S IT JESUS FCKING DAMN CHRIST FOR FUCKS SAKE I SHOULDN'T BE FCKING OBLIGATED/FORCED FFS!!!!!!!!!!
If it's not this year itll be the next or the other, but FOR SURE i will attempt and finally "ctb"/die/DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY AND ENTIRELY AND TOTALLY AND LITERALLY FOREVER/FOR ALL LITERAL ABSOLUTE ETERNITY/NOT 'EXIST' AT ALL/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL someday. That day where ill FINALLY DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AND LITERALLY AND ETERNALLY/NOT 'EXIST' AT ALLwill come yes or yes and i CAN'T 'wait' for it. although the fucking 'inevitable' ""guilt"" or whatever tf that means of 'hurting'/'devastating'/'traumatizing'/'shocking' my 'parents'/'family' is UNFORTUNATELY so fucking damn hard to 'overcome' and its so fucking FRUSTRATING. I SHOULDN'T GIVE A DAMN SHIT FOR FUCK'S SAKE, as ""cruel""/""cold"" as it 'sounds' because theyve never 'done' anything """bad""" to me. (and if 'they' did i literally wouldnt give any less of a damn fuck lmfao, it's NOT that i """"dEsErVe"""" it or whatever the damn fck that means lol, i dont give a shit if i "deserve" or "not deserve" whatever the damn fck in general lmaooooo, I say i couldn't give any less of a damn fuck because thats it, i literally just fucking dont lmfao it wouldn't """aFfEcT"""/"""wOrRy""" "me" at all lmfao. And i DONT """"hate"""" or whatever tf that fucking crap means lol neither "myself" nor literally absolutely anyone else in general at all. I LITERALLY JUST DONT GIVE A GODDAMN FUCK LMAOOO THATS BASICALLY IT. AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY REASON AT ALL). I'll have to fucking wait for the time that ill be finally able to without risking it and not 'failing' and not getting caught nor being sent to any damn 'psych ward'. I'll try to whenever i get a 'chance' (and well, when i get sn) but it's just too fucking risky and if i want to attempt "reliably"/"safely" and "successfully" i have no fucking choice but to do it 'somewhere else' and that cant be an option neither because it's just too risky and suspicious and my parents wouldn't give me 'money' for a fucking 'hotel room' out of a 'sudden', even if i make an excuse they 'most likely' wouldnt 'believe' and would suspect a lot since I'd never at all 'intentionally' go to a fucking 'hotel' or whatever tf that garbage crap is/means. And i dont have 'money' to fucking 'book' a fcking 'hotel room' anyway. I still have ~40€ that my parents once gave me but thats for sure not enough for a damn hotel room. And doing it 'outside' is even harder and riskier and much more 'now' with 'restrictions' (i don't give a goddamn fuck if there are/theres a "rEsTrIcTiOnS"/"loCkDoWn"/"pAnDeMiC" or whatever tf all those 'words' mean or not lmfaoooooo it doesn't """aFfEcT"""/"""wOrRy""" "me" at all and never at all ever will lmfao. except maybe for this, because it's even harder for me to leave the house and attempt somewhere else if there's a 'curfew' or whatever tf that means and even more 'police' 'control', also where the fck would i go to attempt/ctb anyways? If i left my parents would know/notice almost immediately because of the 'time' that would 'pass' since the 'moment' I left (cant make the excuse of "going for a walk" because theyd eventually know that i didnt leave for that crap anyway) and they'd start suspecting and calling the fucking 'police' and would 'tell' other 'rElAtIvEs'/'fAmIlY mEmBeRs'/'lOvEd OnEs' and also even 'nEiGhBoRs' that i left and would suspect that i left to 'kill myself' ** [[FINALLY DIE/NOT 'EXIST' AT ALL/DISAPPEAR ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY AND LITERALLY FOR ALL 'ETERNITY' FOREVER/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY DEFINITELY COMPLETELY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL FFS. NOT "COMMIT SUICIDE", NOT "KILL MYSELF", NOT ""ACTUALLY DONT WANT TO DIE BUT I SAY I WANT TO bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN/rEaSoNs"", NO. THERE ARENT ANY REASONS AT ALL IN GENERAL OF ABSOLUTELY ANY TYPE AT ALL. I SIMPLY LITERALLY BASICALLY JUST WANT TO/WANT TO WANT TO (and always will no fucking matter what and have always wanted/wanted to want and THAT'S IT and it's NOT because of ANY rEaSoNs/cAuSeS or whatever tf that fcking means IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ABSOLUTELY ANY TYPE AND ITS NOT RELATED TO/ABOUT ANYTHING AT ALL IN GENERAL NEITHER) DIE/JUST NOT 'EXIST' AT ALL/TOTALLY|ENTIRELY|COMPLETELY|LITERALLY DISAPPEAR FOREVER FOR ALL 'ETERNITY'/JUST NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT DAMN ALL IN FUCKING GENERAL.]] ** and Id have a lot of 'people' trying to find me and if I'm found/if i get caught theyd immediately 'put' me 'under' "sUiCiDe wAtCh" or whatever tf that garbage crap bullshit is and would immediately send me to a fucking 'psych ward' and or would be fcking 'sent'/'taken' to a fcking 'psychologist'/'psychiatrist' 'AGAINST' MY FCKING 'WILL' AND FOR NO DAMN FCKING 'REASON'/'REASONS' IN GENERAL AT ALL ('although', 'they' all would be fcking 'assuming' and 'insisting' that ""tHeReS a ReAsOn/ReAsOnS wHy YeS oR YeS bEcaAuSe ThAtS tHe "nOrMaL tHiNg" [as if i gave a fcking goddamn fuck if it's the ""nOrMaL tHiNg"" or whatever tf that fcking means or not lmfaaaaao] aNd It CaNt Be WiThOuT aNy ReAsoN aT aLl [because 'humans'/'people' fucking day so and fucking feel fcking like it and have fcking INVENTED that there has to fcking be a fcking damn goddamn rEaSoN wHy right?? ] tHeRe hAs tO bE a ReAsOn wHy YeS oR yEs"" ['sure', because you fcking say so and fucking feel fcking like it that there has to be a goddamn fcking ReAsOn yes or fcking yes lmfaooooo] Sigh. so theres really no other fcking option than either doing it here and risk it a lot so many fcking things or fucking 'work' or whatever tf that garbage crap shit is/means and then fcking wait for who the fck 'knows' how many years until I FINALLY HAVE THE 'HOUSE'/'APARTMENT' OR WHATEVER THE FCK THAT GARBAGE CRAP SHIT IS/MEANS TO FINALLY BE 'ABLE' TO 'ATTEMPT' THERE "WITHOUT ANY" RISKS AT ALL AND "NOT 'FAIL'" AT ALL AND FINALLY DIE/DISAPPEAR/STOP 'EXISTING' AT ALL 'THERE'. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK WHY THE FCK IT IS SO FCKING HARD AND SO FCKING RISKY JFC FOR FUCKS DAMN SAKE WHYYYYYYYYY???????!!!!!!!?????!!!!!!
It's just too risky to "ctb" ("catch" the "bus" to eternal absolute total plain nothingness and non-existence, not to "something"/not to any "afterlife" of any type/way/kind/form etc at all) here in this house with my parents and if I dont want to traumatize/shock them and my family and want to attempt reliably and 'sUcCeSsFuLlY' or whatever tf that means and not 'fail' at all and not get caught/not be found and not have to 'deal' with many other 'risks' that I'd have to deal with if i try to attempt in my parents' 'house', i have no fucking choice but to fucking 'work' and all that damn garbage crap bullshit and 'have'/'make' "mOtIvAtIoN"/'iNtErEsT"/"wIlL"/"eNeRgY"/"sTrEnGtH"/"dEdIcAtIoN" and all that fucking goddamn ""pOsItIvE"" garbage bullshit crap would have to fucking 'earn' 'money' for the fucking 'house' and 'then' 'wait' for so many fucking years until I finally have the fucking 'house'/'apartment' TO FINALLY BE 'ABLE' TO ATTEMPT THERE AND NOT 'FAIL' AND "WITHOUT ANY" RISKS/INTERRUPTIONS/WORRIES OF GETTING CAUGHT/BEING FUCKING 'SENT' TO A FUCKING 'PSYCH WARD'/BEING ON "sUiCiDe wAtCh"/NOT HAVING ANY MORE 'OPPORTUNITIES' TO ATTEMPT AGAIN/'TRAUMATIZING' AND 'SHOCKING' MY 'PARENTS' AND 'REST' OF 'FAMILY' nor etc etc blah blah any other risks etc in general. but for fuck's sake I don't fcking want to 'work' or whatever tf that garbage fcking shit is/means and i dont want AT ALL to have no choice but to fcking wait for 'who' the fck 'knows' how much fucking time/how many 'years' UNTIL I FINALLY HAVE THE GODDAMN FCKING 'HOUSE'/'APARTMENT' or whatever tf that crap means/is lmao TO FINALLY ATTEMPT SUCCESFULLY or whatever tf "sUcCeSsFuLlY" means lol AND "WITHOUT ANY" RISKS AT ALL AND FINALLY DIE/DISAPPEAR/NOT 'EXIST' AT ALL/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE IN GENERAL AT ALL. sigh. Its really a fucking hard decision because I dont want to fucking wait at all but if i try to attempt here thats 'extremely' risky and not easy at all since I wouldnt have 'enough' time to 'pRoPeRlY' prepare/plan the attempt and i could get 'caught'/be 'found' any moment by not 'only' my parents but also any other 'relative'/'family member' or whoever the fck in general and if im found ill be sent to a fucking 'psych ward' or whatever the damn fck that means/is, and well if I 'succeed' or whatever tf that crap means lmao (which i fucking HOPE AND WISH or whatever tf those 'verbs'/'words' mean lmfao dont give a fuck) my parents/family would be the first ones who see/find the dead body and would be 'extremely'/'very' or whatever tf that means 'traumatizing' and 'shocking' for them and blahblah. For fucks sake why the fuck it fcking has to fcking be so fcking hard to DIE/NOT EXIST AT ALL/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????!!!!!!!!!! ITS SO FUCKING FRUSTRATING.


And before any of you 'claim' that im a "mInOr" and 'plan' to tell the 'admins'/'mods'/'staff' to "bAn" my "aCcOuNt", no, ****im not a "mInOr". I'm 22 'yEaRs' 'oLd' or whatever tf that is/means lmao and so fcking what lmfao, AND SO FCKING WHAT. it's just a fcking 'number' and a fcking 'age' for fucks sake, I SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO DIE (LITERALLY THE ONLY "THING" IVE ALWAYS WANTED/WANTED TO WANT, WANT/WANT TO WANT AND WILL ALWAYS WANT/WANT TO WANT NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT ETC AT ALL AND THATS FCKING IT) REGARLDESS THE FUCKING "aGe" "I" FUCKING "AM"!!!!!!!!! what's with this ""aGe ReStRiCtIoN tO DIE/NOT EXIST AT ALL/NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL/DISAPPEAR/LEAVD FOREVER AND FOR ALL 'ETERNITY'??????? "AGE RESTRICTION"????? WHAT? "I" never fcking asked to 'exist' at all/to 'be'|'become' 'something'/'someone' nor to be 'brought' to/not 'experience' etc ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING/ANYWHERE IN GENERAL AT ALL WHATEVER/HOWEVER TF IT IS/CAN BE, OF ANY TYPE/WAY/FORM/KIND ETC AT ALL IN GENERAL NEITHER NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT/WHERE TF IT'S FROM/ABOUT/RELATED TO/IN/ASSOCIATED WITH BLAHBLAHETC NOR ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE IN GENERAL AT ALL and 'despite' that theres a fcking "aGe ReStRiCtIoN" (obviously invented by 'people'/'humans' and because 'they' fucking feel like it and say so ) to HAVE THE RIGHT TO FINALLY DIE/NOT EXIST AT ALL/LEAVE/ENTIRELY AND COMPLETELY TOTALLY LITERALLY DISAPPEAR FOREVER ETERNALLY IF THAT'S WHAT I WANT [AND ANYTIME/WHENEVER I WANT!!!!!!!!!!] and there also has to fcking be a rEaSoN/rEaSoNs WhY aNd An 'eXpLaNaTiOn' yEs Or YeS bEcAuSe It CaNt bE wItHoUt aNy rEaSoN aT aLl, tHaTs """iMpOsSibLe""" ['also' because 'people'/'humans' fucking say so and fcking feel like it and have INVENTED that fcking damn garbage bullsht shit crap fuck ] it's SOOOOOOOO FUCKING FRUSTRATING that this is a damn fcking obligation and that I cant SIMPLY LITERALLY BASICALLY JUST DONT/NOT FUCKING 'WANT'/NOT GIVE A GODDAMN FCKING SHIT ABOUT ETC//NOT WANT TO 'WANT' NOR GIVE A FCKING DAMN SHIT ABOUT ETCETC ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE/WAY ETC AT ALL WHATEVER/HOWEVER TF IT IS/CAN BE, RELATED TO/ABOUT/FROM/IN/ASSOCIATED WITH BLAHBLAHETC NOR WHATEVER TF IN GENERAL ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY ANYTHING/ANYWHERE IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE/WAY ETC AT ALL WHATEVER/HOWEVER TF IT IS/CAN BE BLAHBLAHETCETC AND A LOOOOOOOOONG ETC AND THAT'S IT WITHOUT ANY DAMN FCKING REASONS/CAUSES IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE IN GENERAL AT ALL NOR RELATED TO/ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AT ALL AND THAT'S IT!!!!!!!! and im fcking 'trapped' in a 'meat carcass'/'bunch' of 'flesh' that 'prevents' me from FINALLY NOT 'EXISTING' AT ALL/FINALLY NOT 'BEING' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL IN GENERAL and that makes me have no fcking choice but to 'exist', 'be' 'something'/'someone' and have no fcking choice but to 'continue' 'pretending' and 'faking' in general in many 'aspects' for 'example' that i 'care' about/"want" to 'care' about and that im/i "want" to 'be' "iNtErEsTeD" in etcetc 'things' in general wHaTeVeR tHe DaMn FuCk BuT sOmEtHiNg/'something' in general wHaTeVeR tHe fCk bUt SoMeThInG/'life'/'living'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'consciousness'/'existence'/'existing' and or blahblahetc whatever the damn fck in general """uNlEsS i SaY i DoNT bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN""" and makes "me" also have no fcking choice but to fcking 'take' 'cArE' about the fcking meat suit/flesh/meat carcass or whatever tf a 'body'/'human body' in general is and 'move'/'use' it and also 'feed' it, also 'use' a 'piece' of 'meat' called 'brain', 'think', 'mAkE sEnSe', be 'cOhErEnT' and all that fcking goddamn garbage crap, 'fUnCtIoN' (i 'fUnCtIoN' and i dont give a goddamn fuuuuuuuuckkkk. I DONT WANT TO "fUnCtIoN" AT ALL OR WHATEVER TF THAT MEANS IN ANY DAM WAY FOR/ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AND SIMPLY NEVER AT ALL HAVE WANTED AND NEVER AT ALL EVER FCKING WILL NOR LITERALLY ANY OTHER GARBAGE CRAP SHIT LIKE THAT/IN GENERAL AND NEVER AT ALL WILL) 'speak'/'say'/'talk'/'understand'/'remember'/'memorize'/'know'/hear'/'feel'/'see'/'do' in general 'things' wHaTeVeR tF iN gEnErAl|wHaTeVeR i WaNt BuT sOmEtHiNg and or blahblahetcetc whatever/any other fcking damn garbage bullshit crap shit like that/in general and well 'basically' 'fake'/'pretend' and 'try' as much as 'possible' to 'camouflage'/'go' ""uNnOtIcEd""/'very 'generally' 'pose' 'as'|'act' 'like' "im" 'one more of'/'another one' from'/'someone else|someone more of|from' all of you and basically/literally everyone/anyone else in general both 'pro life' and not, 'pro choice' and not, 'suicidal' and not etcetc in as many 'aspects' as 'possible'/in 'all' the 'aspects'|'areas' and be as 'constant' as 'pOsSiBlE' and not 'stop' at all because if i 'stopped' 'generally' 'pretending' and 'faking' and 'wearing' a 'mask' as if i 'was' 'someone' who's 'interested' in/'cares about' etcetcblabla/wants to 'live'/'experience'/'do'/'enjoy'/'know' 'about'/'learn' 'about'/'participate in'/'be part of'/'explore'/'discover'/'inhabit'/'enjoy' etcetcblahblah and or whatever/any other 'action'|'verb'|'sense'|'emotion'|'feeling' and or blahblahetcetc whatever tf in general 'life'/'living'/'the world'/'planet earth'/'consciousness'/'existence'/'existing'/'things' in general/'something' in general and or blahblahetcetc whatever tf in general whatever it is whatever type etc it is blahblahetc """"uNlEsS i DonT bEcAuSe Of 'hOw'/tHe 'wAy' It iS aNd Or bEcAuSe Of tHe 'tHiNgS'/tYpEs Of 'tHiNgS' tHaT 'hApPeN' aNd Or bEcAuSe Of "sUfFeRiNg"/"pAiN", aNd Or bEcAuSe Of "dEpReSsIoN" aNd Or AnY oThEr "mEnTaL iLlNeSsEs" aNd Or "ApAtHy", aNd Or bEcAuSe Of "bAd LiFe"/"bAd cIrCuMsTaNcEs"/"bAd LiViNg cOnDiTiOnS"/"bAd SiTuAtIoNs"/"bAd eXpErIeNcEs" blahblah whatever tf lmao, aNd Or bEcAuSe Of "nIhIliSm"/"aNtINaTaLiSm"/"eFiLiSm" aNd Or bEcAuSe Of AnY/wHaTeVeR oThEr 'rEaSoN'/'rEaSoNs' iN gEnErAl bUt bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN/cAuSe yEs Or YeS aNd WiTh An 'eXpLaNaTiOn' yEs Or YeS"""" and all that fucking damn garbage crap bullshit in general to not 'rAiSe' or whatever tf that means any fcking 'suspicions' at all in any way about absolutely anything at any 'time'/never at all, it's soooooooo fucking FRUSTRATING AND EXHAUSTING to have no fcking choice but to but well i cant finally die/not 'be' absolutely literally anything anyone anywhere etc in general at all/not 'exist' at all/disappear completely and entirely and totally and literally for all eternity and forever, I dont have any way out and anyways its so fcking hard and risky to do it here so, if i dont want to be fucking assumed to 'be' "dEprEsSeD" and or whatever tf like that and or that 'something' "bAd" happens to "me"/is "wRoNg" with "me" and not be fucking 'sent' to any fcking 'psychiatrist'/'psychologist'/'psych ward' FOR NO REASON AT ALL IN GENERAL and 'AGAINST' MY FCKING 'WILL' {'although' 'theyd' be 'constantly' 'assuming' and 'insisting' that tHeReS yEs Or YeS a ReAsOn wHy/tHaT iTs bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN yEs Or YeS, i have no fcking damn choice but to fcking 'continue' 'forcing' 'myself' to 'keep' 'faking'/'pretending' in general in all the 'aspects'/many 'aspects', 'at least' all the 'aspects'/'areas' in general that all of you and literally/basically everyone/anyone else in general both 'pro lifers' and not, 'pro choicers' and not, 'suicidals' and not etcetc have in 'common'/'share' in 'common' and 'do'/'can do'/'want'/'cam want' and or whatever tf etc 'very' 'generally'/in general, have to 'pretend'/'fake' 'especially' all the "bAsIcS" to not be ABSOLUTELY ANY SUSPICIOUS AT ALL and not have 'them' fcking 'asking' "wHy" and as ofc i WILL NEVER TE THEM THE 'TRUTH', they dont 'know' the 'truth'/anything ((THAT I SIMPLY JUST DONT FUCKING 'WANT' {NEVER AT ALL HAVE WANTED AT ALL AND SIMPLY LITERALLY SERIOUSLY BASICALLY NEVER AT ALL EVER FCKING WILL AND NEVER AT ALL WILL WANT TO!!!!! I SIMPLY JUST DONT AND THERE ARENT ANY REASONS WHY IN GENERAL AT ALL FFS I SIMPLY LITERALLY JUST FCKING DONT AND DONT WANT TO WANT TO AT ALL AND THATS IT AND ITS NOT BECSUSE OF ANY REASONS AT ALL} NOR GIVE A GODDAMN FUCK ABOUT NOR HAVE ANY FCKING DAMN 'INTEREST' FOR ETCETC (AND DONT FCKING WANT TK AND NEVER AT ALL EVER FCKING WILL NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT ETC!!!!) ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE ANY WAY ANY ANYTHING AT ALL IN GENERAL WHATEVER/HOWEVER TF IT IS/CAN BE NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT WHERE THE DAMN FCK ITS FROM/ABOUT/RELATED TO/ASSOCIATED WITH/IN AND BLAHBLAHETCETC A LOOOOOOONG ETC LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL!!! ANYTHING. A N Y T H I N G JESUS FCKING CHRIST, FOR FUCKS SAKE. ANYTHING AT ALL IN GENERAL!!!!! OF ANY TYPE/KIND/WAY ETC AT ALL WHATEVER HOWEVER TF IT IS/CAN BE BLAHBLAHETCETC AND THATS IT!!! THATS FCKING BASICALLY LITERALLY SIMPLY IT FFS. AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY DAMN FCKING REASONS IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE AND THERE HAVE NEVER AT ALL BEEN ANY AT ALL AND ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY NEVER AT ALL EVER FCKING WILL. ITS. NOT. BECAUSE. OF. LITERALLY. ABSOLUTELY. ANY. SINGLE. DAMN. FCKING. REASONS. IN. GENERAL. AT. ALL. AND. THATS. LITERALLY. IT. FOR. FUCKS. DAMN. FUCKING. SAKE.)) because I've always been* ((and always wil, have no choice but to or else ill be suspicious and assumed to 'have' "aPaThY", "dEpReSsIoN" and or any/whatever other "mEnTaL iLlNeSs" and or whatever the damn fuck in general and or that 'something' """bAd""" 'happens' to "me"/is """wRoNg""" with "me" and I'd be fcking sent to a fcking 'psychiatrist'/'psychologist' and 'probably' even a 'psych ward' 'AGAINST' MY 'WIKL'/'FORCEDLY' AND FOR NO FCKING DAMN REASON/REASONS IN GENERAL AT ALL and would be fcking forced to take 'meds' or whatever tf that crap is/means and 'also' 'attend' 'pSyChOtHeRaPy' or whatever tf that fucking shit is/means ALSO 'AGAINST' MY FCKING 'WILL' AND FOR NO GODDAMN FKING REASONS IN GENERAL AT ALL, 'although' 'theyd' be 'constantly' 'assuming' and 'insisting' again and fucking again that tHeReS a ReAsOn rEaSoNs wHy YeS oR yEs aNd tHat 'sOmEtHiNg' """bAd""" 'hApPeNs' tO 'mE'/iS """wRoNg""" wItH "mE" yEs Or YeS and all that fcking garbage crap)) 'faking' and 'pretending' and 'masquerading' in general in every fcking 'aspect' 'generally' 'camouflaging'/'posing' as/'acting' like/'going' "uNnOtIcEd" as if "im"/"i were" 'very' 'generally' in all the 'general'/'common'/'bAsIc'/'fUnDaMeNtAl' 'aspects', 'someone' 'else'|'someone' 'more' 'like'/'another one' 'from'/'one more' 'of'/'like' all of 'you'/'you all' and basically/literally everyone/anyone else in grneral/all 'people' in general, both 'pro lifers' and 'non-pro lifers'|'pro choicers', 'suicidals' and 'non-suicidals' etc, so because of that, because I'll always be 'faking'/'pretending' (have no choice to, i cant die it's so fcking hard and have no way out so the only fucking option i have is to fucking 'continue' 'existing' and 'keep' 'pretending' and 'faking' to not be any 'suspicious' at all in any way about absolutely anything and not be fcking 'sent'/'taken' to any 'psychologist'/'psychiatrist'/'psych ward' AGAINST MY FCKING 'WILL' FOR NO DAMN REASON AT ALL) and because i 'camouflage' 'between' literally everyone in general and 'pose' as/'pretend' im like /'act' like all of you and basically literally everyone else in general/all 'people' in general and because 'they' 'obviously' dont know the 'truth'*** (and never at all will because neither 'them' nor literally anyone else in general will ever 'believe'/'understand'/'comprehend' that THIS IS FUCKING POSSIBLE AND THAT THERE DOESNT HAVE TO BE ANY FUCKING GODDAMN FCKING REASON IN GENERAL AT ALL, if i 'told' not 'only' my 'parents'/'family' but literally basically everyone/anyone else in general both pro life and not, suicidal and not etc, the 'truth' theyd just 'tell' me that im ""mEntAlLy iLl"" or whatever tf that means lmaoooo i dont give a shit if i am or not lmfao, 'repeat' again and fucking again that tHeReS a ReAsOn rEaSoNs WhY i SaY tHAt yEs Or YeS/that I sAy tHaT bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN/rEaSoNs YeS oR yEs and all that fucking goddamn fucking garbage crap shit because for literally everyone in general/all 'people' in general 'including' all of you and every other suicidal/pro choice, not 'only' pro lifers, its """oNlY pOsSiBlE"" to not want/not give a fuck about/not have any fucking goddamn 'interest' nor 'curiosity' nor 'attraction' nor any other fcking garbage crap bullshit like that nor in general for|about|in/not want to neither 'do' nor 'experience' nor 'explore' nor 'enjoy' nor 'know' nor 'learn' nor 'see' nor 'think' nor 'feel' nor 'see' nor 'participate in' nor 'live' nor 'do' in general nor 'explore' nor 'perceive' nor 'inhabit' nor 'like' nor 'achieve' nor 'sense' nor 'say' nor 'value' not 'wish' nor 'desire' nor 'hope for' nor 'dream about' nor 'discover' nor 'try' nor 'appreciate' nor 'admire' nor 'aSpIrE tO' nor 'kNoW hOw tO dO' nor 'bE 'gOoD' aT fOr' NOR BLAHBLAHBLAHETCETC ANY other 'action'|'sense'|'feeling'|'emotion'|'verb' nor blahblahetcetc absolutely anything else at all ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE ANY WAY ANY FORM ANY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL, NO 'MATTER' AT ALL WHAT/HOW THE DAMN FCK IT IS/CAN BE, NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT/WHERE ETC THE DAMN FCK ITS ABOUT/RELATED TO/ASSOCIATED WITH/FROM/IN NOR BLAHBLAHETCETC ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT BLAHBLAETCETC NOR WHATEVER THE DAMN FCK IN GENERAL AT ALL """"""iF iTs bEcAuSe Of "dEpReSsIoN"/"loSs" oF "iNtErEsT"/"lAcK" oF "mOtIvAtIoN"/"aPaThY"/"aNy oThEr 'mEnTaL iLlNeSsEs' oThEr ThAn 'dEpReSsiOn'"/"cOnFuSiOn"/"eMpTiNeSs"/"nUmBnEsS"/"bAd LiFe"/"bEiNg 'lOsT'"/"iDeNtItY cRiSiS" lmfaooo what the damn fck does that even fcking means /"bAd FaMiLy"/"'iNaBiLiTy' tO 'lIkE'|'eNjOy' aNd Or wHaTevEr OtHeR 'aCtiOn'|'vErB' eTc In gEnErAl 'tHiNgS' aNd Or wHatEvEr tHe DaMn FuCk"/"bUlLyInG"/"tRaUmA" aNd Or bEcAuSe Of AnY/wHaTeVeR oThEr 'rEaSoN'/'cAuSe'/'rEaSoNs'/'cAuSeS' bUt bEcAuSe Of A rEaSoN iN gEnErAl yEs Or YeS aNd tHeReS aN 'eXpLaNaTiOn' FoR tHaT aNd 'sOmEthInG'/'sOmEoNe' "bRoUgHt" YoU tO tHaT 'pOiNt'/'dEcIsIoN'/'cOnClUsIoN aNd iTs ThE 'cOnSeQuEnCe' Of 'sOmEtHiNg' yEs Or YeS"""""") *** 'theyll' 'always' be 'assuming' and 'expecting' 'things' in general/'generalized' 'things' 'from' 'me' in many general 'aspects' like for 'example' hAvInG "hObBiEs"/"iNtErEsTs" and all that damn fucking garbage crap sht and or whatever tf bUt sOmEthInG iN gEnErAl, just like 'theyd' do with/about/from all of you and literally/basically everyone else in general/all people in general both 'pro lifers' and not, 'pro choicers' and not, 'suicidals' and not etc etc. If i stopped pretending/faking theyd immediately notice and ask me and ill obviously NEVER at all tell them the truth (anyways whether i tell them the truth or lie to them/make an excuse, either way/anyway id be sent to a psychiatrist/psychologist or whatever tf that is/means because """iTs "nOt nOrMaL" tO jUsT sImPlY nOt wAnT tO 'eXisT' aNd jUsT nOt wAnT/nOt cArE aBoUt/nOt bE 'iNtErEsTeD' iN eTcEtC aNyThInG aT aLl wItHoUt aNy rEaSoN aT aLl/fOr No ReAsOn At AlL tHeRe hAs tO bE a ReAsOn Or rEaSoNs WhY yEs Or YeS""" lmfaooooo as if i gave a damn fuck if its """nOrMaL""" or not or whatever the damn fck that means lmao, its """nOt nOrMaL""" and """tHeRe hAs tO bE a ReAsOn wHy YeS oR yEs""" because 'people'/'humans' fcking say so and fucking feel like it and have fcking INVENTED that fcking crap lmfaoooooooo) so theyd 'assume' whatever fcking garbage crap shit like for example that im """dEprEsSeD"""/"""aPaThEtIc""" and or that i "have" """lOw sElFeSteEm"""/"""sElF hAtReD"""/"""sElF lOaThInG""" what even the damn fck is that """"nEgAtIvE"""" 'thing'/type of 'thing' lmfaooooooo, and or that i "have" aNy oThEr 'mEnTaL iLlNeSsEs' oThEr ThAn 'DePrEsSiOn' and or blahblahblahetcetcetc whatever the damn fuck in general, and or that 'something' """bAd""" 'happens'/is 'happening' to "me"/is """wRoNg""" with "me" and or whatever other fcking crap like that/in general and I'd be immediately sent to a fcking 'psychiatrist'/'psychologist' or whatever tf that is AGAINST MY FCKING 'WILL' FOR NO DAMN FCKING GODDAMN REASON/CAUSE/REASONS/CAUSES AT ALL IN GENERAL OF ABSOLUTELY ANY DAMN TYPE!!!!!! and id 'also' be fcking 'forced' to 'take' 'meds' or whatever tf that means/is and id also have to fucking 'go' to/'attend' 'tHeRaPy'/'PsYcHoThErApY' 'almost' every fucking 'month' AGAIN AGAINST MY FUCKING 'WILL' FOR NO DAMN REASON AT ALL and or whatever other fcking crap like that/in general THAT IVE NEVER NEITHER 'WANTED' NOR 'NEEDED' AND DONT FCKING 'WANT' NOR 'NEED' AND NEVER AT ALL EVER FCKING WILL
(****im not and so fcking what lmfao EVERYONE/ANYONE IN GENERAL regardless their fcking 'age' or whatever the fuck "aGe" means SHOULD HAVE THE ABSOLUTE TOTAL 'RIGHT' TO DIE/LEAVE/DISAPPEAR WHENEVER/ANYTIME 'THEY' WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [IN MY 'CASE' ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY FCKING REASON/REASONS IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE. ITS NOT AND HAS NEVER BEEN AND NEVER WILL AT ALL THAT """I WANT TO DIE BUT BECAUSE OF A REASON, IF IT WASNT FOR THAT REASON/CAUSE and or whatever the damn fuck lmao I WOULDNT WANT TO DIE"" NO. THERE ARENT ANY/ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY 'REASONS'/'CAUSES' IN GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE NOR RELATED TO/ABOUT/ASSOCIATED WITH ANYTHING AT ALL IN GENERAL FOR FCKS SAKE. THERE. ARENT. ANY. REASONS. IN. GENERAL. AT. ALL. i simply literally basically seriously or whatever the damn fck all these 'words' mean lol JUST WANT/WANT TO WANT TO {has always wanted/wanted to want and WILL ALWAYS NO FCKING MATTER WHAT WANT/WANT TO WANT TO JUST SIMPLY LITERALLY DIE AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY REASON IN GENERAL AT ALL} DIE/NOT 'EXIST AT ALL {{NOR "COMMIT SUICIDE", DIE/NOT EXIST/DISAPPEAR COMPLETELY/JUST NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE ETC IN GENERAL AT ALL!!!!}} AND THAT'S BASICALLY LITERALLY SIMPLY IT AND ITS NOT BECAUSE OF ANY DAMN REASONS IN ABSOLUTE GENERAL AT ALL OF ANY TYPE. whether it's believed/understood/comprehended or fucking not. And even if i wasn't a "mInOr" or whatever tf that crap means lol I SHOULD ALSO HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO FINALLY NOT EXIST AT ALL/TO FINALLY DIE AND COMPLETELY AND ENTIRELY AND TOTALLY AND LITERALLY DISAPPEAR FOREVER FOR ALL ETERNITY AND NOT 'BE' ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY TOTALLY ANYTHING ANYONE ANYWHERE AT ALL WITH ANY FUCKING 'AGE' NOR 'GENDER' NOR 'iDeNtItY' NOR 'NAME' NOR 'BODY' NOR 'BRAIN' NOR 'pErSoNaLiTy' NOR BLAHBLAHBLAHETCETC ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY BASICALLY ANY OTHER FCKING GARBAGE BULLSHIT TRASH CRAP LIKE THAT/IN GENERAL AT ALL FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!!!!!!!! 'I' DIDNT 'ASK' FOR ABSOLUTELY/LITERALLY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL, I DIDNT 'ASK' TO 'BE'|'BE' 'BROUGHT' TO|'COME'/'EXPERIENCE'|'PARTICIPATE' IN' ETCETC NEITHER "HERE"/"THIS" (however tf it is/can be, whatever tf it is/can be whatever type whatever tf in general it is/can be no 'matter' what 'happens'/'can HAPPEN' no 'matter' what tf there is/there can be etcetc blahblah nor whatever tf in general/nor basically absolutely literally ANYTHING else in general at all and a looooooooooooong etc) NOR LITERALLY ABSOLUTELY BASICALLY TOTALLY COMPLETELY DEFINITELY ANYWHERE/ANYTHING ELSE IN GENERAL AT ALL WHATEVER/HOWEVER TF IT IS/CAN BE, OF ANY FCKING DAMN TYPE/WAY/FORM/SHAPE/KIND/SORT/DIMENSION NOR BLAHBLAHETCETC ABSOLUTELY LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE IN GENERAL, NO FCKING 'MATTER' WHAT/WHERE THE DAMN FCK ITS FROM/ABOUT/RELATED TO/IN/ASSOCIATED WITH NOR BLAHBLAHETCETC ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING ELSE IN GENERAL NOR BLAHBLAH WHATEVER THE DAMN FCK AT ALL IN GENERAL, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING IN GENERAL AT ALL FFS. THAT SHOULD BE FCKING MORE THAN 'ENOUGH' FOR ME TO HAVE THE ABSOLUTE TOTAL RIGHT TO DIE/LEAVE/STOP 'EXISTING' AT ALL/DISAPPEAR ANYTIME/WHENEVER I WANT AND IF I SIMPLY WANT WITHOUT HAVING TO BE ANY FUCKING DAMN REASONS IN GENERAL AT ALL FOR FUCK'S DAMN SAKE!!!!!

 

[ixkitty]

I keep thinking: "If he could do it, why not me?"

This... right here ! My partner in crime, AKA my ex-Fiance (and only person I've been engaged with) CTB August of 2020. I think the same thing.. If he could do it.. why not me ? Somehow he had a deep strength that I'm missing. I'm looking for that strength because I need to follow him. Well I need to end it too but why not follow him :)

 

[Georgiana Darcy]

Hello,
decision has been made. Must pay off my 'family credit' and finally i'll CTB. My calculation says it's going to be before the end of August. Time for me.
It'd be peaceful feeling to know that i'm not only one that didin't work out
so who is with me? Who end this in 2021?

Me too. I have been holding out until spring, because I do not want to leave in winter (most possibly because my dad died in the middle of winter). But when the skies are blue again, and the night air is mellow, I want to leave.

Me! Gonna be sometime in May. Possibly June because I might wanna stick around to see a webcomic I like end, but most likely May.

May is a good month. I was thinking about May 2021, too, but am not sure I can make it throught March.

 

[S like suicide]

Me,hope to succeed in this month

 

[orlandom]

You're a fool? This is a personal matter for everyone. Love you all

 

[nopointofliving]

I wish I could join you this year

 

[insanedoomer]

Yap , soon as possible

 

[eternalmelancholy]

The problem with setting deadlines is that you rarely follow through. I know I have told myself multiple times that this is finally it.

I should have been dead years ago yet here I am.

 

[Yennireyes]

I hope I am the next

 

[FuneralCry]

Its probably unlikely, but I always have the hope of dying in my sleep.