Crying already about getting up tomorrow

[madbananas]

Just the thought of having to get out my bed tomorrow morning to go to work. Just to feel useless and hopeless in another place. At least when I'm home I can be true to myself with my distress. I can cry and then sleep. At work I am trapped in a place where I can't be me. I can't be upset because no one understands and I just feel like a freak. It's like functioning life just isn't meant for me.

 

[BipolarGuy]

If you don't mind me asking, what is it that you do?

 

[madbananas]

If you don't mind me asking, what is it that you do?

I work in healthcare (ironic I know). I'm apparently good at what I do, in that the people seem to appreciate me being there for them. I actually really love it in that sense, but I just feel broke beyond repair now and don't fit in anywhere. I am also scrutinised by employers about my health because apparently being suicidal automatically means I'm screwed up in the head and there's so much stigma about healthcare staff who have their own issues.

 

[BipolarGuy]

I work in healthcare (ironic I know). I'm apparently good at what I do, in that the people seem to appreciate me being there for them. I actually really love it in that sense, but I just feel broke beyond repair now and don't fit in anywhere. I am also scrutinised by employers about my health because apparently being suicidal automatically means I'm screwed up in the head and there's so much stigma about healthcare staff who have their own issues.

There's stigma about healthcare staff having health issues?
On whose part?

 

[BitterlyAlive]

I work in healthcare (ironic I know). I'm apparently good at what I do, in that the people seem to appreciate me being there for them. I actually really love it in that sense, but I just feel broke beyond repair now and don't fit in anywhere. I am also scrutinised by employers about my health because apparently being suicidal automatically means I'm screwed up in the head and there's so much stigma about healthcare staff who have their own issues.

We're in similar circumstances. It's so difficult even without the criticism from people who likely don't understand. I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you.

 

[madbananas]

There's stigma about healthcare staff having health issues?
On whose part?

Among the staff. I opened up about having BPD and I was looked at like I should be in prison.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Among the staff. I opened up about having BPD and I was looked at like I should be in prison.

Well that's just ironic, and disgusting.

You may have seen that I have mentioned a couple of times on this forum that someone who I thought was a good friend of mine called me 'negative' and 'toxic' because I have depression.
She's a paramedic and has experienced depression (including suicidal thoughts) herself!

People never cease to amaze me.

 

[madbananas]

We're in similar circumstances. It's so difficult even without the criticism from people who likely don't understand. I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can for you.

Thank you It is horrible. At least we will have the empathy haha.

 

[Dcap1]

Just the thought of having to get out my bed tomorrow morning to go to work. Just to feel useless and hopeless in another place. At least when I'm home I can be true to myself with my distress. I can cry and then sleep. At work I am trapped in a place where I can't be me. I can't be upset because no one understands and I just feel like a freak. It's like functioning life just isn't meant for me.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm lost in this world, the only good days that I had are far behind me now.

 

[Ghost2211]

Suicidality is common with healthcare workers. It can be a very emotionally taxing job. If it's not already in place you might want to talk to higher ups about establishing better support, or organizing group activities to help everyone bond and decompress.

 

[madbananas]

Well that's just ironic, and disgusting.

You may have seen that I have mentioned a couple of times on this forum that someone who I thought was a good friend of mine called me 'negative' and 'toxic' because I have depression.
She's a paramedic and has experienced depression (including suicidal thoughts) herself!

People never cease to amaze me.

Ugh I'm sorry that's happened. Even more confusing that she has responded in that way considering her own circumstance.
I literally had a bunch of mental health academics block me and mute me online because I had a mental breakdown. They all loved me and thought I was amazing and now I'm completely ostracised. They said they were blocking me so that they couldn't see what I post because seeing my posts gave them a responsibility to help me, and they didn't want to do that for whatever reason.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm lost in this world, the only good days that I had are far behind me know.

It's horrible feeling lost. Doesn't make it better, but I'm lost with you so you're not alone

 

[BipolarGuy]

Ugh I'm sorry that's happened. Even more confusing that she has responded in that way considering her own circumstance.
I literally had a bunch of mental health academics block me and mute me online because I had a mental breakdown. They all loved me and thought I was amazing and now I'm completely ostracised. They said they were blocking me so that they couldn't see what I post because seeing my posts gave them a responsibility to help me, and they didn't want to do that for whatever reason.

Yes, this so called 'friend' of mine revealed that she is morally inconsistent and a total hypocrite, in what she did.
Of course it meant that I saw her true colours, which is no bad thing, but it hurt because I didn't think she was the person she turned out to be :(

In terms of mental health academic blocking you, who are these people?

 

[madbananas]

Suicidality is common win healthcare workers. It can be a very emotionally taxing job. If it's not already in place you might want to talk to higher ups about establishing better support, or organizing group activities to help everyone bond and decompress.

That's a good idea because the stress lies more with the staff than patients. And staff will just blatantly say unkind things about a specific diagnosis which I happen to have.
Thank you

Yes, this so called 'friend' of mine revealed that she is morally inconsistent and a total hypocrite, in what she did.
Of course it meant that I saw her true colours, which is no bad thing, but it hurt because I didn't think she was the person she turned out to be :(

In terms of mental health academic blocking you, who are these people?

It's horrible when someone turns out not to be who they

Lecturers of mental health professions. The same people who post about all the "be kind" and "compassion" stuff and even "it's ok not to be ok", "talking is important" campaigns. The ones that get paid big bucks to preach all that stuff but won't walk the talk.

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel the same way. I hate it every time I wake up. Just wish it never would happen again.

 

[madbananas]

I feel the same way. I hate it every time I wake up. Just wish it never would happen again.

It's horrible. I'm sorry you feel the same. There's also a physical pain aspect to it, that split second when you open your eyes and realise sleep is over.
hugs