LonelyOfficeWorker33 only had one hour left before it was time to return to the daily grind, but he was still sitting in his bed, clad in under shorts and a worn-out T-shirt, browsing the forum he joined just a few months before on his smartphone. Its name was Ready2CheckOut?.org and he often found himself browsing threads containing detailed information about how to end his life in the section called, "Yes". Most days, he felt certain that he was ready to go, but sometimes he felt unsure. On those days, he sometimes read other people's threads in the "Maybe" section, but then something new would happen in the real world that would make him feel certain about suicide all over again. He felt trapped and had no hope for the future.
He still needed to make himself some breakfast, take a shower, and head out the door, but he had no motivation to do any of those things, so he just kept browsing. He was in the process of reading a thread discussing Sodium Nitrite, when he suddenly received a notification that someone he followed had posted something. Curious, he clicked on the bell icon at the top of the screen. As soon as he did, he was saddened to see that it was the post of a heart broken, elderly man he'd been following since the beginning of his site membership: HippieBus62.
LonelyOfficeWorker33 (whose real name was Jeremy), was saddened by the title of the post he clicked on – "Anyone Else Lost a Spouse? How do you deal with it?"
Jeremy furrowed his eyebrows at the screen when the notification took him to a thread created by a new member, describing how they wanted to die after losing their husband to cancer. This person also had doubts about suicide, and they were really struggling, so the first reply from HippieBus62 was a welcoming sight for them. He had the profile picture of a Volkswagen bus covered in colorful paint, peace signs, and flowers, displaying his love for the vehicle, and his freedom-loving spirit always showed itself in his words.
"Hey, I'm sorry about your husband," HippieBus62 said. "I wish I could tell you it gets easier, but it doesn't. When I lost my sweet Denise, she went quick, but it still hurts like hell after all these years. She didn't suffer long thankfully, so I can't imagine what it's like to watch someone you love so much waste away like that.
I kept some of her things and I talk to her, even though she isn't there. Sometimes I light up a joint and drink her favorite beer just to feel close to her. That's how I deal with it, but some days it just isn't enough. If you still have some of his things, maybe you can try something similar? I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you can find a way to recover from this. Whatever you end up deciding, I'll support it 100%"
Reading the post caused Jeremy to get choked up, and he felt an ache in his throat as tears clouded his vision. Although his girlfriend had left him willingly, without dying, he still felt just as broken and empty as the people interacting in the thread. He didn't feel comfortable replying unfortunately, so he resorted to reacting to the two posts he read with hugging emojis, before logging out and closing the browser. Since it was a private browser, his online history was deleted automatically, and once that was done, he set his smartphone down on the mattress beside him.
Wiping tears from his eyes, Jeremy swallowed hard and tried to calm himself as he spoke in a soft, but shaky voice. "Fuck, why does that shit happen? It's fuckin bullshit…"
At last, he made the decision to get out of bed and crossed the hall to his bathroom. After doing his business, he stepped in front of the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He had bags and dark patches under his eyes, the disheveled mass of hair behind his receding hairline was an absolute mess, and the scraggly hairs that poked out of his face told him that he was due for a shave. He had taken three days off from work to improve his mental health supposedly (one day for an hour of therapy), but most of that time was spent eating junk food, sleeping, and crying his eyes out over a beer bottle while watching old game shows on TV.
Jeremy narrowed his eyes at the mirror as he tried thinking of a joke to distract himself from his problems. "Okay, you lazy dick… Time to get ready for work!"
It wasn't much of a joke after all; he merely insulted himself. Still, he thought it was a little amusing, so he smirked at the mirror and chuckled. Then he undressed, took his shower, and got into his work attire after drying off and shaving his face. Leaving his bedroom and bathroom behind, he went out into the living room of his messy apartment, where he stepped over a bunch of empty beer bottles, a few pizza boxes, and an empty carton of ice cream on his way to the kitchen. Directly above his electric stove and oven (which had eggshell pieces, stains, and dried up noodles all over it) was a cupboard where he kept a small stash of granola bars and his jar of Sodium Nitrite.
After pulling the door open, Jeremy smiled at the box of granola bars. "Hell yeah! A breakfast fit for a king…"
He grabbed a couple from their box, but then he paused to look at the big mason jar full of white powder at the back of the cupboard. It had no label on it now, so it would be impossible to identify at first glance, and he kept it well hidden behind packages of noodles and cans of soup. Satisfied that his SN was safe, he slammed the door shut before returning to his bathroom to inspect his outfit once more; his khakis, thinning hair, dress shirt, and blue tie were all in order. This meant it was time to get back out there and be the best wage slave he could be, just so he could keep paying taxes to Uncle Sam and keep up with the bills.
