This thread gonna be long and I think it will be emotional. I have crashed so far twice and I plan to kill myself after my third one. When I think about the pain I felt I am often shaking. Sometimes when I try to remind myself of the pain I am really shaking with my whole body. Maybe I am kind of traumatized by that pain.
The crash was accompanied by extreme psychosomatic pain. It felt like something was literally tearing me apart. This feeling was especially in my feet. The pain was unimaginable. I really learned there are way worse things than death.
It really was insane how this felt. I never imagined one can experience such shit. The pain on its peak lasted several months. I think 3. It very slowly got less. Though it took 2,5 years so the pain fully disappeared. I think you might understand now why I plan to kill myself when this repeats. In my case this shit lasted very long. However I did not take medication to that time. I also talked to other people with bipolar and major depression. Some said I put it in the right way with my wording. But I think parts of my pain is rather individual. Different people experience shit like that differently.
I have met people who felt ashamed to admit that they are suicidal. I digged deeper and then they admitted it. I asked why they lied prior to that. One said I don't want to be seen as the ultimate loser who does not even want to live. Personally I have a different approach to my suicidality. I have met religious people who probably lied about suicidality. I asked her whether she thinks people who ctb go to hell. She replied yes. This was one of many reasons why I denied her attempt to date me. Believe me there were many reasons against that anyway. This woman also had bipolar or schizoaffective and said my description with being torn apart is quite fitting. Sadly the pain does not disappear if one articulates it in a detailed way. But it helped slightly to cope.
It is pretty hard to describe a crash accurately. English is not my native language. It is for sure overwhelming. It is an extreme contrast to mania. The world view is often distorted when one is manic. In my case I even was psychotic. One has huge self-esteem and self-confidence. My second manic epsiode was probably the best time of my whole life. By far. It lasted one year. However I try to avoid as hard as possible to prevent another one. People in my bipolar group cannot understand that. They long for and miss mania. I started to hate mania though. I hate it to be distorted and not being in full control of my self anymore. However I probably only can postpone a new epsiode and not avoid one forever. For me it is very very clear. The mania is never worth it. The pain I felt afterwards is way too nightmarish for that.
One feels extreme shame after an episode. For things you did. For me most of that rather is in my head and not fully rational. I did some embarassing shit but compared to other people it is probably nothing. I probably act somewhat like a drunk dude who flirts too much. However trying to remind myself that my shame is not fully rational barely worked. I realized with logic I cannot win the fight. The pain is way too pathological. I completely despised myself after the mania. I fantasized to kill myself brutally. I kind of did some self-harm but usually this is not what I am doing. I thought of me as despicable. No rationality could help against that. My mood was way too all-mighty for that. There was no real counterstrategy. I just talked 24/7 about killing myself in a very detailed manner/planned it. Some professionals were kind of shocked. For example when I described committing seppuku. Being in the clinic somewhat helped I felt less lonely there and they listened to my pain.
I planned to kill myself during my second crash. Did some preparations but no attempt. I am glad I did not go through with it. I might would be even more disabled now. I think when I try to ctb I really want to be convinced it is the right thing to do and I try to be successful with it. After my second crash I realized my life will probably end with suicide. I realized how treacherous this illness really is. It can distort your mind fully. You can be either be too optimistic or too pessimistic. My lesson was I try to be careful with either direction. I think my illness has an inner logic. And my suicidality has also an inner logic. I am not 100% sure about the inner logic of my bipolar disorder. But if I had to guess I think this illness often repeats in cycles. One can try to postpone or prevent new epsiodes. But there is no guarantee that you are succesful. If this is true that it repeats in cycles and that a relapse is only a matter of time I see no way around suicide. I think my suicidality also has an inner logic. With every crash my plans to kill myself become more serious and detailed. Furthermore my hope to find a way to live declines a lot. I tried to many things to recover, to get a financial stable income etc. Some people in my support network are optimistic. Though I think they are short-sighted and naive. I had some minor success but in order to become financially independent I needed at least 5 years without a relapse. I think I will never be able to achieve that. With every day I become less careful. My attention to it becomes less. But there will come a day when I say damn I was too careless. There are many more factors why there will be no happy end for me but this thread has another purpose.
I think something which might be individual during the crashs were extreme racing thoughts. I think many of my thoughts are usually very fast. But during the crash they completely overwhelmed me. I had 24/7 the urge to kill myself because of it. There was no break. It even haunted me in my nightmares. They poured out/ streamed on me my like rain during a tsunami. There were myriads of fast racing thoughts in my mind and attacked me every single second. One thought full of disgust, shame and self-hatred was followed by the next. I think David Foster Wallace depicted it in Infinite Jest quite accurately. But I don't know the passage. at the moment. Sorry.
To add one thing. During the first weeks I thought I try to be brave and not mourn too much. But I completly gave in after several weeks. First I tried to be hesitant of the extreme suicidality. But the strength/willpower one has during depression is often weakened. So my attempt to stay strong did not last long.
And the psychomatic pain I felt was by the way accompanied by extreme agitated depression. This severe agitation is extreme torture. Maybe people here can relate to that.
To be honest I am not fully satisfied with this thread. Despite its length I did not find many new descriptions of the pain. When I read the story of other people they also don't find the proper words for it. Maybe I should search for a bipolar writer. to find new ways to describe it.
However maybe this experience is so insane that every attempt trying to capture it will not work anyway. It is hell on earth for sure. I cannot stand this pain when it returns. I am really not surprised that the suicide rate among bipolar people is that high.
The crash was accompanied by extreme psychosomatic pain. It felt like something was literally tearing me apart. This feeling was especially in my feet. The pain was unimaginable. I really learned there are way worse things than death.
It really was insane how this felt. I never imagined one can experience such shit. The pain on its peak lasted several months. I think 3. It very slowly got less. Though it took 2,5 years so the pain fully disappeared. I think you might understand now why I plan to kill myself when this repeats. In my case this shit lasted very long. However I did not take medication to that time. I also talked to other people with bipolar and major depression. Some said I put it in the right way with my wording. But I think parts of my pain is rather individual. Different people experience shit like that differently.
I have met people who felt ashamed to admit that they are suicidal. I digged deeper and then they admitted it. I asked why they lied prior to that. One said I don't want to be seen as the ultimate loser who does not even want to live. Personally I have a different approach to my suicidality. I have met religious people who probably lied about suicidality. I asked her whether she thinks people who ctb go to hell. She replied yes. This was one of many reasons why I denied her attempt to date me. Believe me there were many reasons against that anyway. This woman also had bipolar or schizoaffective and said my description with being torn apart is quite fitting. Sadly the pain does not disappear if one articulates it in a detailed way. But it helped slightly to cope.
It is pretty hard to describe a crash accurately. English is not my native language. It is for sure overwhelming. It is an extreme contrast to mania. The world view is often distorted when one is manic. In my case I even was psychotic. One has huge self-esteem and self-confidence. My second manic epsiode was probably the best time of my whole life. By far. It lasted one year. However I try to avoid as hard as possible to prevent another one. People in my bipolar group cannot understand that. They long for and miss mania. I started to hate mania though. I hate it to be distorted and not being in full control of my self anymore. However I probably only can postpone a new epsiode and not avoid one forever. For me it is very very clear. The mania is never worth it. The pain I felt afterwards is way too nightmarish for that.
One feels extreme shame after an episode. For things you did. For me most of that rather is in my head and not fully rational. I did some embarassing shit but compared to other people it is probably nothing. I probably act somewhat like a drunk dude who flirts too much. However trying to remind myself that my shame is not fully rational barely worked. I realized with logic I cannot win the fight. The pain is way too pathological. I completely despised myself after the mania. I fantasized to kill myself brutally. I kind of did some self-harm but usually this is not what I am doing. I thought of me as despicable. No rationality could help against that. My mood was way too all-mighty for that. There was no real counterstrategy. I just talked 24/7 about killing myself in a very detailed manner/planned it. Some professionals were kind of shocked. For example when I described committing seppuku. Being in the clinic somewhat helped I felt less lonely there and they listened to my pain.
I planned to kill myself during my second crash. Did some preparations but no attempt. I am glad I did not go through with it. I might would be even more disabled now. I think when I try to ctb I really want to be convinced it is the right thing to do and I try to be successful with it. After my second crash I realized my life will probably end with suicide. I realized how treacherous this illness really is. It can distort your mind fully. You can be either be too optimistic or too pessimistic. My lesson was I try to be careful with either direction. I think my illness has an inner logic. And my suicidality has also an inner logic. I am not 100% sure about the inner logic of my bipolar disorder. But if I had to guess I think this illness often repeats in cycles. One can try to postpone or prevent new epsiodes. But there is no guarantee that you are succesful. If this is true that it repeats in cycles and that a relapse is only a matter of time I see no way around suicide. I think my suicidality also has an inner logic. With every crash my plans to kill myself become more serious and detailed. Furthermore my hope to find a way to live declines a lot. I tried to many things to recover, to get a financial stable income etc. Some people in my support network are optimistic. Though I think they are short-sighted and naive. I had some minor success but in order to become financially independent I needed at least 5 years without a relapse. I think I will never be able to achieve that. With every day I become less careful. My attention to it becomes less. But there will come a day when I say damn I was too careless. There are many more factors why there will be no happy end for me but this thread has another purpose.
I think something which might be individual during the crashs were extreme racing thoughts. I think many of my thoughts are usually very fast. But during the crash they completely overwhelmed me. I had 24/7 the urge to kill myself because of it. There was no break. It even haunted me in my nightmares. They poured out/ streamed on me my like rain during a tsunami. There were myriads of fast racing thoughts in my mind and attacked me every single second. One thought full of disgust, shame and self-hatred was followed by the next. I think David Foster Wallace depicted it in Infinite Jest quite accurately. But I don't know the passage. at the moment. Sorry.
To add one thing. During the first weeks I thought I try to be brave and not mourn too much. But I completly gave in after several weeks. First I tried to be hesitant of the extreme suicidality. But the strength/willpower one has during depression is often weakened. So my attempt to stay strong did not last long.
And the psychomatic pain I felt was by the way accompanied by extreme agitated depression. This severe agitation is extreme torture. Maybe people here can relate to that.
To be honest I am not fully satisfied with this thread. Despite its length I did not find many new descriptions of the pain. When I read the story of other people they also don't find the proper words for it. Maybe I should search for a bipolar writer. to find new ways to describe it.
However maybe this experience is so insane that every attempt trying to capture it will not work anyway. It is hell on earth for sure. I cannot stand this pain when it returns. I am really not surprised that the suicide rate among bipolar people is that high.
