Venting Crap friend rant

[Sundayafternoon]

It disgusts me though because I honestly don't complain much about my situation. And it's not visible. But I guess I don't have fun stories to share or do exciting things and clearly my life is going nowhere so I guess I can see that being a drag even if I act pretty normal.

It seems people like you when you present yourself as they want to be. Being yourself. In pain. Depressed. It doesn't fit their narrative.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Now this friend, who I haven't seen in months, is asking if I want to go to dinner with her for my birthday. I don't know what to do. I am angry at her and don't want to but I can't just blow her off. And I feel like I can't be honest either. This sucks.

Hmm..maybe you two could get dinner close to your birthday, but not on the exact day?

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I have this friend I have known for 30 yrs. We live 10 minutes from each other and she has no kids or other big responsibilities. She is mentally healthy. She knows I have chronic pain, illness, and depression and that the past few months have been especially horrible for me. And yet....

Some people seem lucky when it comes to friends, no? I used to work at a West Coast university. One of the chief medical officers at the medical school was a "friend." He said to me once while I was at his house and his phone kept ringing that the person "bothering" him was a "friend" who was depressed. I never told him (or anyone else--I've learned...) I was depressed. This chief medical officer next said about his depressed friend, "You have to keep your distance from those people or they'll drag you down with them." I will never, ever, ever forget that sentence or the kind of professional who uttered it. What's that saying? "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone."

A hug to you.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Im just too tired and apathetic to communicate with people who try to convince me my life is "worth living" yet they cant even respond to me when I try and seek comfort.

Exactly. Our lives are soooooo worth living but they can't be bothered to be a part of them even when we ask them or let them know we need them. Don't ask for help = your problem because you didn't open up. Open up and ask for help = "Gross! Needy!"

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

It disgusts me though because I honestly don't complain much about my situation. And it's not visible. But I guess I don't have fun stories to share or do exciting things and clearly my life is going nowhere so I guess I can see that being a drag even if I act pretty normal.

In the shiny world of Facebook and Instagram... unless you're a superstar with tons of shiny smiling photos full of beaming, giddily happy other people you met on your trips to the most exotic spots all over the world, you're a drag. :)

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I've talked to her about her absence in my life and she claims it is not intentional. I haven't asked if I am dragging her down in some way. Have you had talks like that with friends?

I emailed my "best friend" of nearly 15 years just that. He never replied. (Yes, I checked he got the email.) I returned to the US after more than a year abroad. All I wanted was to talk with him for a few minutes during Christmas or New Year's break. He "scheduled" phone calls with me. Three. And broke each one with an excuse via text. Around 2:30AM my local time. :)

From my perspective, if a friend is distancing her-/himself from us, we intuit it reasonably accurately...

 

[lululoo]

I emailed my "best friend" of nearly 15 years just that. He never replied. (Yes, I checked he got the email.) I returned to the US after more than a year abroad. All I wanted was to talk with him for a few minutes during Christmas or New Year's break. He "scheduled" phone calls with me. Three. And broke each one with an excuse via text. Around 2:30AM my local time. :)

From my perspective, if a friend is distancing her-/himself from us, we intuit it reasonably accurately...

Wow I'm sorry you dealt with such bullshit from that friend and from others.

Yeah I think we usually are accurate. If I had the facts to counter my negative thoughts I would try to. But the facts aren't really there.

I do think there are some people who stick by depressed/sick friends. But many do not.

 

[lululoo]

Hmm..maybe you two could get dinner close to your birthday, but not on the exact day?

Sorry I never replied to this. I decided to just go ahead and have dinner with her on my birthday. I have lots of mixed feelings about it but I think declining the invite would feel worse (especially since I have no valid excuse). I've also realized that if I am not going to die soon* and if I still need some social validation, I might have to see people IRL sometimes. After getting suddenly dumped by an online friend from here without any inkling that I was failing him/her (and feeling really extra depressed over it)— plus losing connections I've made here because they died or disappeared— I just don't think I should rely at all on online friends emotionally. Not that I can rely on real life friends either, but I guess I will make a small effort to not kill those relationships. It's hard though. I basically don't want to do anything or see anyone.

*i hope I have the courage to but that remains to be seen.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

After getting suddenly dumped by an online friend from here without any inkling that I was failing him/her (and feeling really extra depressed over it)— plus losing connections I've made here because they died or disappeared— I just don't think I should rely at all on online friends emotionally.

Agreed.

 

[lululoo]

Agreed.

I wish I had realized the risk in it. I really can't take more emotional pain. Lesson learned. This place is good for venting and for discussion and it can make you feel less alone. But it has its limits.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I really can't take more emotional pain.

A-frickin'-men!

 

[kyleq16]

I can relate in a way. I had this friend who was a girl I thought we were close because of the things we talked about but apparently not, because when I told her I was sad and i was planning on giving up she completely ignored me on purpose(She read my text). I just cant stand some people and people who don't have good intentions for me. By the way she also knew about my previous attempt. So another person who doesn't care for me and was only fronting I wonder how many more people are going to be like this.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I wonder how many more people are going to be like this.

The answer in my own life has been "everyone." Other than this anonymous forum, I no longer discuss suicide, depression, or anything deeply personal with anyone else. I just can't take any more human disappointment. Hope the deal for you turns out much better.

 

[kyleq16]

Thanks for replying. I do the same. I just keep it bottled up til I cant deal with the pain anymore.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Sorry I never replied to this. I decided to just go ahead and have dinner with her on my birthday. I have lots of mixed feelings about it but I think declining the invite would feel worse (especially since I have no valid excuse). I've also realized that if I am not going to die soon* and if I still need some social validation, I might have to see people IRL sometimes. After getting suddenly dumped by an online friend from here without any inkling that I was failing him/her (and feeling really extra depressed over it)— plus losing connections I've made here because they died or disappeared— I just don't think I should rely at all on online friends emotionally. Not that I can rely on real life friends either, but I guess I will make a small effort to not kill those relationships. It's hard though. I basically don't want to do anything or see anyone.

*i hope I have the courage to but that remains to be seen.

I'm sorry I'm responding so late, but I understand the weight of maintaining relationships that aren't deeply emotionally fulfilling. I hope the dinner went/goes well, and/or the food is good at least.

 

[lululoo]

I'm sorry I'm responding so late, but I understand the weight of maintaining relationships that aren't deeply emotionally fulfilling. I hope the dinner went/goes well, and/or the food is good at least.

Thank you. It actually did go very well and I was glad I went. I still have issues with her but the dinner was a good reminder that sometimes seeing someone face to face is really important. I also really needed that because right before it, a friend I had made on this site told me I was a bad friend and dumped me. I was feeling like such shit, and seeing this friend in person helped me feel better.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Thank you. It actually did go very well and I was glad I went. I still have issues with her but the dinner was a good reminder that sometimes seeing someone face to face is really important. I also really needed that because right before it, a friend I had made on this site told me I was a bad friend and dumped me. I was feeling like such shit, and seeing this friend in person helped me feel better.

I'm very happy to hear that it went well and made you feel better :-) <3