Discussion Courage and procrastination to ctb

[asgoodasdead]

I have my materials, have practiced, and even have a checklist for the days leading up to it. Heck, I could literally do it rn and it's most likely to be successful. Yet, I wouldn't be satisfied with my ctb. I have unfinished drafts of my notes that I am BADLY PROCRASINSTING THEM. It genuinely feels like a school assignment that "has to be done." It's so fucking stupid. But when I do get myself settles to write even for a little, I find, strangely, a lot of comfort in it. It helps my thoughts. I just need any advice to continue to force me to write.

With the other thing, I'm afraid that I'll chicken out the day of even though I know it's for the better. I've delayed this for over 8 years now. How do I even maintain the courage to do so? I feel pathetic.

 

[nintendo64]

Dying is the most terrifying thing a living creature can do, we're naturally programmed to avoid death at all costs. It's only natural to be hesitant. There's nothing pathetic or cowardly about it. The fact you consider it at all is proof of how much pain you've experienced, and I'm sorry.

 

[T22222222]

I have my materials, have practiced, and even have a checklist for the days leading up to it. Heck, I could literally do it rn and it's most likely to be successful. Yet, I wouldn't be satisfied with my ctb. I have unfinished drafts of my notes that I am BADLY PROCRASINSTING THEM. It genuinely feels like a school assignment that "has to be done." It's so fucking stupid. But when I do get myself settles to write even for a little, I find, strangely, a lot of comfort in it. It helps my thoughts. I just need any advice to continue to force me to write.

With the other thing, I'm afraid that I'll chicken out the day of even though I know it's for the better. I've delayed this for over 8 years now. How do I even maintain the courage to do so? I feel pathetic.

i relate to this. i have come to the conclusion that ctb is the only way to go for me but yet i keep pushing it to a future date. it is frustrating. if i stay alive, i will keep suffering. man, i just wish i could gather courage and do it once and for all

 

[asgoodasdead]

Dying is the most terrifying thing a living creature can do, we're naturally programmed to avoid death at all costs. It's only natural to be hesitant. There's nothing pathetic or cowardly about it. The fact you consider it at all is proof of how much pain you've experienced, and I'm sorry.

You're right and also thank you for your words :)

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

i relate to this. i have come to the conclusion that ctb is the only way to go for me but yet i keep pushing it to a future date. it is frustrating. if i stay alive, i will keep suffering. man, i just wish i could gather courage and do it once and for all

Same. I have suicidal intent every day but I just...keep...sitting...here. I've tolerated a lot more days than I thought I would. They became weeks, then months. I can't believe I've been suicide-obsessed this long. It's been five or six months. Just unreal.

 

[T22222222]

Same. I have suicidal intent every day but I just...keep...sitting...here. I've tolerated a lot more days than I thought I would. They became weeks, then months. I can't believe I've been suicide-obsessed this long. It's been five or six months. Just unreal.

I know right. I don't think living for me is sustainable the way that I am, so I don't know how long I can keep doing this or should keep doing this. Because the way I am, I am definitely going to end up homeless and/or broke once my parents decide to pull their protection and monetary backing from me.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

What do you do?!

I know "encouragement" is against the rules, but it's exactly what I need.

How the hell do you get the guts to GO BUY THE GUN?! I can't keep scrolling my days away! My future is a dead end, my past a museum of shame. I have to make an end of it.