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[Sphinxi]

129,447

God never showed up when I begged for him, meh

There's an old jewish joke:
Two jews are killed by the nazis, and when they arrive in heaven, they start joking about how silly the whole thing was, how stupid the nazi uniforms are, etc. While they were laughing, G-d asks them what could possibly be funny about such an affront to his commandments. One of the jews replies:
"Maybe you had to be there"
---
In general I am still a believer in G-d but not in a particular revelation. I believe in ein sof and whatever. I like to say that I practice judaism, but I avoid going to service, because I get cold feet. I don't like being in public
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[amor.dor]

I've been thinking about @littlecutecorpse recently...

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Poor little girl
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[U. A.]

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[Sphinxi]

I remember seeing her goodbye post when I first joined the forum. It's hard to look at.
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[Xi-Xi]

Poor little girl
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I want to die like her. Loved, and missed by everyone

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But to be honest, I'm not sure I'm as beloved...

 

[gunmetalblue]

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"Maybe you had to be there"

I like that a lot actually, thank you for sharing. Another phrase that if I am not mistaken is of Jewish origin is "If God exists he will have to beg for my forgiveness".
Everyone's relationship with God and their faith is a personal path, follow the one that comforts you in the end.

 

[Sphinxi]

I feel horrible for her family. Discovering a body like that...
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[gunmetalblue]

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[U. A.]

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[Sphinxi]

I think I am going to get drunk in a bit. I have all of the ingredients for a vodka sunrise. Tomorrow I am supposed to go to service, but I think I will just stay inside.
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[Arvayn]

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That might be a bit anti-social, but I really do not have a better way to put it.

On an unrelated note, sometimes I wonder if I might be anti-social and I just don't know.

Spoiler: TW: Cruelty, Animal Abuse

When I was maybe 11 or 12 years old, I was going to a pediatric psychologist. I was talking about my day to him, and I casually mentioned how I saw a man throw a bunch of kittens into his trash bin outside, and that I thought it was really funny.
He suddenly switched tone and took on this very serious demeanor, interrogating me and asking me follow-up questions about my thoughts and feelings; I picked up on this and thought "Shit, he thinks I'm crazy", and I did not want to be labeled crazy, because that would make my life a lot harder and make people perceive me more negatively.
So, I just started lying out of my ass, and giving him all the most positive answers. Yes, I feel bad, yes, I'm regretful. Yes, I didn't realize the nature of what was happening (I absolutely did).

After the psychologist finishes questioning me, he takes this sigh of relief and goes: "Okay, good, because otherwise, that would be what we call anti-sociality". And I'm like: Oh...

I'm not diagnosed as anything but schizoid, but would I have been diagnosed there? Who knows. Food for thought.

 

[Sphinxi]

That sounds fairly typical for a person with schizoid personality disorder, no?
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[gunmetalblue]

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[Xi-Xi]

129,451

On an unrelated note, sometimes I wonder if I might be anti-social and I just don't know.

Spoiler: TW: Cruelty, Animal Abuse

When I was maybe 11 or 12 years old, I was going to a pediatric psychologist. I was talking about my day to him, and I casually mentioned how I saw a man throw a bunch of kittens into his trash bin outside, and that I thought it was really funny.
He suddenly switched tone and took on this very serious demeanor, interrogating me and asking me follow-up questions about my thoughts and feelings; I picked up on this and thought "Shit, he thinks I'm crazy", and I did not want to be labeled crazy, because that would make my life a lot harder and make people perceive me more negatively.
So, I just started lying out of my ass, and giving him all the most positive answers. Yes, I feel bad, yes, I'm regretful. Yes, I didn't realize the nature of what was happening (I absolutely did).

After the psychologist finishes questioning me, he takes this sigh of relief and goes: "Okay, good, because otherwise, that would be what we call anti-sociality". And I'm like: Oh...

I'm not diagnosed as anything but schizoid, but would I have been diagnosed there? Who knows. Food for thought.

Hey, I'm an example of what would have happened if you were honest about it...

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[Arvayn]

129,449

That sounds fairly typical for a person with schizoid personality disorder, no?

Not entirely; a traditional schizoid just wouldn't care, or would care very little. They have blunted emotional excitability, and this extends to all things, not just empathy and sympathy. Which is very true of my mentality and temperament nowadays, but only selectively true when I was younger.

 

[Sphinxi]

I think I am going to get drunk

I've become something of an alcoholic in the past few months. I drink almost every day now. I can do good schoolwork while drunk, and it helps curb some of my social anxiety. I drink before and during class to calm my nerves. At this point, I don't think that I can really function without it
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[Xi-Xi]

I've become something of an alcoholic in the past few months. I drink almost every day now. I can do good schoolwork while drunk, and it helps curb some of my social anxiety. I drink before and during class to calm my nerves. At this point, I don't think that I can really function without it
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I don't really like drinking that much.

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[Arvayn]

129,448

I've become something of an alcoholic in the past few months. I drink almost every day now. I can do good schoolwork while drunk, and it helps curb some of my social anxiety. I drink before and during class to calm my nerves. At this point, I don't think that I can really function without it

Be careful. Alcoholism is vicious, and gets progressively worse the more frequently you feel the need to get drunk. It's helping you function right now, which is undeniably useful and good, but you should not rely on it for all your life... I'd think of it as a risky, temporary band-aid that gets progressively harder to remove.

 

[Sphinxi]

129,449


Not entirely; a traditional schizoid just wouldn't care, or would care very little. They have blunted emotional excitability, and this extends to all things, not just empathy and sympathy. Which is very true of my mentality and temperament nowadays, but only selectively true when I was younger.

Do you think your caring about not caring means anything?

I don't really like drinking that much.

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When I was younger I would only drink socially, but I like how it mutes my consciousness. I think I just hate being sober

Alcoholism is vicious, and gets progressively worse the more frequently you feel the need to get drunk.

I think I just need to get through this semester before I can ctb. Without it, I wouldn't be able to go to class..

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[Arvayn]

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Do you think your caring about not caring means anything?

Not really. It is a purely intellectual interest. I take pleasure in cognitive activities, and I think that if I knew the truth for certain, it would help me frame my actions and thoughts a lot more coherently.
But do I feel sad or guilty about it? No.

 

[amor.dor]

I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking; I feel the effects after just one can of beer. I can't imagine what it's like to be an alcoholic.
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[Arvayn]

129,446

I don't like to drink. In general, I do not use substances unless I believe there is a lot of meaningful, non short-term benefit to be had from it in that moment.

 

[Sphinxi]

I'm a lightweight when it comes to drinking; I feel the effects after just one can of beer. I can't imagine what it's like to be an alcoholic.
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I am also a lightweight actually. I stumble after one shot. It saves me money. I don't like getting plastered, because I still have to do schoolwork

But do I feel sad or guilty about it? No.

Super interesting stuff actually. I have some introspective writings from a while ago on my laptop about autism and feeling distant from others. Maybe I will send some excepts eventually

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[amor.dor]

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I need to go to sleep — today was an extremely draining day.
Take care, everyone.

 

[Always-in-trouble]

129,448: Most alcohol tastes bitter. Hampers the recreational aspect of it for me. Also night Amor!

 

[Xi-Xi]

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I need to go to sleep — today was an extremely draining day.
Take care, everyone.

Boa noite.

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[Sphinxi]

129,448: Most alcohol tastes bitter. Hampers the recreational aspect of it for me. Also might Amor!

This is why I like cocktails! I can drink straight liquor but I don't like it very much, unless it's wine. I am a massive wine snob because my family owns a couple vineyards
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[Arvayn]

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Night, Amor.

I want to die like her. Loved, and missed by everyone

But to be honest, I'm not sure I'm as beloved...

I felt like a CIA member under a non-disclosure contract watching that conversation... Believe it or not, I actually know somebody here who hated her to the core and is glad she's gone. So, not everyone. But I will be very merciful and nice to them, and not reveal their identity! (If you're reading this: It is very like you to stalk me. I could pinch your cheek.)

I don't think you have as much of a presence in the community to garner that kind of reaction, but if it's worth anything (I heavily doubt it is), I would be earnestly upset to see you go. It's not every day that I meet a fellow freak, and I've loved our conversations.

 

[Always-in-trouble]

This is why I like cocktails! I can drink straight liquor but I don't like it very much, unless it's wine. I am a massive wine snob because my family owns a couple vineyards
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129,446: I had tried some sweetened cacao liquor recently (forgot to mention I only turned 18 a week ago lol) which was actually alright, Burnt my throat a little however. Also interesting to hear you have vineyards with your family, wonder if they are baristers?

 

[Arvayn]

129,445

129,446: I had tried some sweetened cacao liquor recently (forgot to mention I only turned 18 a week ago lol) which was actually alright, Burnt my throat a little however. Also interesting to hear you have vineyards with your family, wonder if they are baristers?

Dude... You signed up when you were 17 years and 363 days old? Banned. Unacceptable.