Update: Should have started the test run six or seven hours earlier - slept through my alarm yesterday and now my employer wants to 'have a chat'. Apparently I was so out of it my parents called the cops. I vaguely remember there were three of them (?). Of course the assholes found my stash (0.75g crack, two dimes coke, a bundle, five trazodone, six suvorexant, maybe 10 ephedrine, two dp 30s, one crushed b974 in an amp salt capsule, and six pharma xr 15mg amp salts). The fucking irony is that two of those were prescribed to me, one is OTC, and one is legal and I bought it from someone who had a script. But pills drugs. Drugs bad. Hurr durr drugs go bye bye.
And I kept the 28 valerian 200mg in a separate bag but stored nearby and the bastards took that too. So now the plan is somewhat ruined. That's fine, I'll skip the valerian. The irony is they didn't find my weed, edibles, needles, syringes, cathinones/a-PVP/PMMA/I have no fucking clue what that shit is. Time to use those ASAP so they can't steal that too! I didn't go to class yesterday and I don't plan on it for the rest of the week. I'm done even trying to pretend to be functional. I want to get out of here. The longer I stick around, the more time they have - and the more likely they will be - to do an Intervention. Fuck that noise.
They didn't find the real stash, thank fuck. I still have that and am planning to use it sooner. But just the little things to tide me over til then - those are gone. At least I have food now that the fast is done but it's not quite the same. My teeth and stomach hurt constantly and now my legs too, probably from being sedentary. Insert more first world complains here etc etc.
Also apparently in my blacked out state I told my parents that I sucked dick to get the drugs and thanks to them getting rid of the stash I would now have to do it all over again. Very clever of me; yes, you may now applaud. Their response was that I'm banned from using the car and must adhere to a strict timetable regarding work and classes.
Starting the green tea and grapefruit juice protocol now.
I liked how you put this, I feel the same about alcohol and I come from a family with some history of alcoholics. I don't know how anyone could get addicted with the side effects/downfalls. I can understand sometimes the feelings produced are worth it, but still can't understand how anyone could overcome the negative effects (or for me, how awful alcohol takes) to become full-blown addicted.
As someone who supported you sending it, I still would say I lean towards that option. Maybe you could just revise who you send it to? Negativity doesn't make everyone feel worse, in fact it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone and I am understood by others even if just on the internet in these forums. Songs that express my feelings can be some of my few excapes, they express them better than I do.
Honestly was good to hear that about the GP visit, I've always had a fear I'll confide something in a doctor and get nothing of it. If I make it to my next doctor appointment, I'll see if I can get prescribed anything. Any suggestions on how to ask? Like how did you bring it up about how you were having difficlty sleeping and did you ask if you could be prescibed anything or did he suggest on his own?
I wanted to say, "congratulations on the fast lasting so long," but that doesn't seem quite the right response lol Good job getting through it and breaking your personal records, it's impressive how long you got through, and thank you for documenting along the way.
Do you ever get to the point where you even don't want to burden this site/people on it? Just curious. I can get anxiety about coming on here too lol Ah what a life it is~
Same, I really relate to what you said about Saturdays, they seem the worst for me as well. But Sunday has the dread/anxiety for the upcoming Monday which Saturday doesn't have. But Saturday has more anxiety for wasted possibilities. I also count down the days till Saturday, but hate the day when it comes.
Yep, I hate the taste of alcohol. I only use it when there's nothing better around. Which now, thanks to my idiocy, there now isn't.
I don't have any idea who else to send it to, and worst case scenario they get to it before I'm gone which = interference. It's truly just inane ramblings of a lunatic. Nobody needs to see that. I do understand about the songs. But what one song means to me may mean something completely different - even irrelevant and foolish - to someone else. I want to share but I daren't trust that they shall receive and interpret the message unscathed.
It took many months, partly because he is an incompetent snail and takes many weeks to get back to you on test results and such. I first told him I was having trouble sleeping around October - should have done this months sooner. So he gave me a 30 day trial of trazodone. I come back and tell him it just makes me fuzzy and slow from the time I take it til next morning but still can't fall asleep. Same visit, I request a genetic test so we can find which medications will be more likely to work. He says he will check and comes back to tell me they don't have any at hand. I come back in November about the test again - finally he has one, take it and come back in December.
I do some research into meds for eating disorders, depression, etc - including ones I was recommended as a minor but my parents declined - lisdexamfetamin, naltrexone, bupropion. I present the information and my reasoning and this clown says 'I feel more comfortable giving you topamax'. He actually admitted he hadn't a clue about the medications I suggested nor how to spell the chemical name of the very drug he was prescribing me. I had to spell it for him.
I swear the drug reps from Big Pharma push doctors and psychiatrists to prescribe a certain quota every quarter or something. So off I go with 30 days of 'dopamax' - thusly nicknamed because it makes you stupid and clumsy. I finally get the genetic test results in January, which are shockingly unhelpful - I already knew something was wrong with me because I don't process many drugs normally - turns out it's that pesky CYP2D6 that's functioning at 50% capacity to normal. Discontinue topiramate and try a shiny new drug suvorexant - again, he only knew this one by its trademark name belsomra - and, hey, let's finally listen to the patient who's looked at the literature and knows their condition best and just might have the slightest idea of what meds might help. So here we leave off with 30 days of 10mg lisdex and yet another bullshit pill that makes me slow. I can feel part of my brain turning off 30-60 min after I take it, every time like clockwork. Yet still sleep eludes me.
February visit and I tell him the suvorexant is unshockingly unhelpful, and that I didn't find the lisdex all that useful either (had to take 40mg to feel any effect whatsoever) - would rather focus on fixing sleep first and then perhaps other issues would attenuate on their own if not at least lessen in severity. He gives me hydroxyzine. Yes, an antihistamine you can get OTC in many countries. I tell him I have tired diphenhydramine to no avail. He shrugs and says try the hydroxyzine anyway. If that doesn't work, we'll have to move on to 'real drugs'; i.e. zolpidem (which my father, a JD and PhD of chemistry, recommended I ask the GP about when I told him in September I struggled with insomnia - I did and the doctor immediately dismissed it, saying I was too young for something so strong - when I was already self medicating with street drugs because the things that could have helped were inaccessible. Thanks, DEA. Shove it up your ass). How, dear universe, how is this man a medical doctor with a medical degree from a medical school? How is this the world we inhabit?
Sorry for the rant there. To answer your questions: Unless your GP is a real pill pusher with a particular agenda to be made - usually from a single drug company or cocktail du jour - you have to practically beg for it. Probably depends what part of the world or country you are in, also. Don't be afraid to be assertive - even the kindest doctor in the world can't read your mind. Let them know what you've already tried (sleep hygiene, melatonin, l-theanine, valerian, chamomile, antihistamines, anticholinergics etc) so you don't waste their or your time on that. All the better if you look into what drugs family members have responded favourably to - or yourself, if you previously had a script - and mention those.
No - everyone online is just words on a screen, however poignant and relatable they may seem, they can never offer the same solidarity as an in-person connection. It just doesn't seem fully real to me. That's probably the wrong answer but whatever.
As to that last point - more and more I find myself losing track of the days. I hardly know what day it is anymore. I can't wait for this to be over.
