Venting Couldn't bring myself to ctb tonight

[Have_a_nice_Life]

Fuck. I know setting a date is setting yourself for disapointment but i wanted to do it tonight. I thought i was ready, but i'm fucking scared. I FEEL TRAPPED, don't know what to do i don't want to live another day the pain is unbearable. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, i'm too depressed, i'm scared of suffering again. I can't keep going then why am i still here. Why can't i bring myself to do it. I'm so lonely. I'm so scared and done.

 

[Kit1]

I am so sorry that you are suffering so much and are feeling really scared. This is quite normal for many of us here who have set dates and not gone thorough with ending our lives. It is okay to have all thrse feelings which are valid. All it means that today is not the best day yo end your life - when we end our lives, we cannot change our minds after the act. Until we are sure that this is exactly what we want, it is better to look at alternatives or at least, consider all options thoroughly (I am saying this having set a date for myself and am not putting myself under pressure to act on the plan). Take some time out and perhaps consider what it is that you are looking to end - where that pain is coming from, is there another way to end that pain other than ending your life, if you wanted to end your life- then what is holding you back etc.., This is a forum where you can reach out to people who would understand what you are going through as SI is something which most human beings struggle with. Hope everything works out for you and please feel free to reach out through PM if I can help/support. Take care.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

My date was yesterday, I know exactly how you feel <3

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

I'm crying sonmuch. Fuck this shit WHY ARE WE FUCKING STUCK FUCK THIS WHY AM I SCARED. FUCK . i'm so lonely. I'm so scared. I'm so frustrated. I have too much thoughts. Too much shit to think about. All the time YAPPING AND YAPPING IN MY FUCKING BRAIN. fuck depression, Fuck this shit

 

[theboy]

is the SI

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

My date was yesterday, I know exactly how you feel <3

Hi logic-man. I'm also an avid user of logic. This was why i was convinced i could do it. Because it is indubitably the best decision. BUT I CAN'T. Turns out we can only do this shit on impulse at least for me. I'm scared of death for fuck's sake.

 

[Mi Mi]

Fuck. I know setting a date is setting yourself for disapointment but i wanted to do it tonight. I thought i was ready, but i'm fucking scared. I FEEL TRAPPED, don't know what to do i don't want to live another day the pain is unbearable. I don't know what to do. I'm scared, i'm too depressed, i'm scared of suffering again. I can't keep going then why am i still here. Why can't i bring myself to do it. I'm so lonely. I'm so scared and done.

I get it
Especially feeling trapped
Try not to be hard on yourself
Try to find something that gives you comfort for a moment
We all have been there
I've failed 5 times so you're not alone

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

I get it
Especially feeling trapped
Try not to be hard on yourself
Try to find something that gives you comfort for a moment
We all have been there
I've failed 5 times so you're not alone

I'm so fucking sorry you have to go trough this. None of us deserve THIS BULLSHIT OF A JOKE.
Why the fuck are we even here in the first place if it's to inevitably die. We evolved past our needs. So much so that we cannot occupy our mind and fill the deep void inside of us. We are a fucking aberration, an anomaly. Fuck this shit.
A guy i knew jumped from his window. HOW THE FUCK DID HE HAVE THE BALLS TO DO THIS AND I'M HERE STRUGGLING TO SIP ON MY SN TEA LIKE A FUCKING GRANDMA.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

Hello, i feel sorry for you
We are on the same boat, im postponing this since september/23
Executing a CTB plan is the hardest thing ever, dont push yourself too hard.

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

i was fucking delusional thinking i could do it.

 

[Olisop21.]

I'm trying to talk myself into doing it tonight.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Hi logic-man. I'm also an avid user of logic. This was why i was convinced i could do it. Because it is indubitably the best decision. BUT I CAN'T. Turns out we can only do this shit on impulse at least for me. I'm scared of death for fuck's sake.

I know, now I feel like I'm just in a motionless state, waiting for this "moment" to come :\

 

[lita-lassi]

youre not delusional, si is real, hard and scary and were wired to want life. theres a significant difference to planning/thinking about death to actually carrying out the act. i hope youre able to find some kind of peace no matter what decisions you make and please remember you are not alone

 

[UKscotty]

Setting dates just sets us up for a feeling of failure and puts lots of unneeded pressure.

We will CTB when we are ready, we can't force it or predict it.

A lot of us day we hate life, or we are ready to go etc but feelings are not real. When we are ready, we will just know.

 

[Sail_to_Infinity]

That's true. SI is mighty. Therefore, no other method is an option but firearm or Nembutal in my case. The point is to have no turning back after making the decision and taking the first step. Hence, partial hanging, medications are so ineffective most cases. On the other hand, the decision of using a train or complete hanging is too drastic to muster the courage... The ideal combination is a firearm to the side of the head (both hemispheres targeted, just above the ear) + a noose around the neck to ensure absolute certainty afterward. Either way, big hugs to you @Have_a_nice_Life

 

[clown_17]

I'm in the same situation. I even made a post about it but mine was completely ignored lol. I tried to do partial suspension today but with no luck. Then was going to go for the radial artery but I'm too much of a coward. That trapped feeling and the disappointment of still being alive can hurt so bad. A lot of people struggle to attempt though, SI can be very difficult to manage. You're not a failure

 

[locked*n*loaded]

You're not a failure just because you weren't able at this moment to relieve yourself from your pain. Life is the real failure. Life (apparently) has failed you, just like it has for so many of us.

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

I thought it would at least bring me relief but no. It's actively making me feel more trapped since it made me realise how afraid i was of death or at least dying and feeling yourself go. I don't know why.
I thought having the method would bring me peace of mind but it did not.
Suicide is so much more than just having the method and being done. I dont know nothing anymore
Since i can't kill myself for now. I'm gonna give recovery a try once again and turn myself into a psy-ward. I have to get a new treatment and to get pushed. But at the same time i'm so exhausted and now i feel like a fraud for not doing it. My life felt more in danger when i did not have my method than now that i have it. I was convinced i was going to die tonight.

 

[sukiduki]

i set my date but i still have over a year. i know how you feel though. it is scary, but the pain is also terrible.

 

[grahf]

You are not failure if you are afraid to die because SI, I'm afraid too
And if you want to recovery I hope you can find peace whatever you choose
Good luck

 

[Unknown21]

At 23\3 i took all the meds (propranolol 120mg, 30 mg metoclopramide, 600 mg ibuprofen) unfortunately i couldn't drink the SN actually i didn't even prepare it. I checkend out too.
Don't be hard on yourself it's a hard decision, SI is bitch. Hugs.

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

At 23\3 i took all the meds (propranolol 120mg, 30 mg metoclopramide, 600 mg ibuprofen) unfortunately i couldn't drink the SN actually i didn't even prepare it. I checkend out too.
Don't be hard on yourself it's a hard decision, SI is bitch. Hugs.

Thanks. Killing yourself is harder than just wanting to die. I also almost have the requiered part for EEBD hood nitrogen induced hypoxia. But that would be the same even if it takes 2 seconds to fall unconsious.

I'm in the same situation. I even made a post about it but mine was completely ignored lol. I tried to do partial suspension today but with no luck. Then was going to go for the radial artery but I'm too much of a coward. That trapped feeling and the disappointment of still being alive can hurt so bad. A lot of people struggle to attempt though, SI can be very difficult to manage. You're not a failure

I'm sorry, posts sometime go under the radar it happened to me multiple times. But believe me when i say i feel your pain and i wish you could get better.