turbomightbegone
🎣
- Nov 13, 2023
- 202
i mostly rot in my bed all day,, im normally left alone with all my thoughts. and it's pretty easy for it to get overwhelming and unbearable
you tend to remember a lot when you're just laying in bed, looking up at your plain white ceiling that's devoid of any color or soul. all I have for entertainment is a tablet that I'm expected to draw on. it sucks.
often i keep remembering horrible stuff that's happened to me throughout my short and miserable life. sometimes it's the cocsa, sometimes it's being homeless with a mother who blamed me for what happened. i score my limbs to try and make it all bearable, but im too scared to cut deeper into actual fat and flesh.
I wonder, how do random people go around living their lives with some big trauma weighing them down? how do they go living happy, normal lives when their existence has been scarred by some horrible act? i don't think I'd ever understand that,, my memories weigh me down on this bed, and I can't go anywhere. I wonder what it's like to life a happy normal life,,, I wonder what it's like to permanently forget about every single bad memory and just live in the moment. I doubt I'd live long enough to experience that feeling, and I've kinda accepted it atp.
I tend to cower under my duvet,, im like a small little animal hiding from a predator. im doomed either way: if i force myself to go out and try to live, I'd just get hurt and scarred even more, and it'd cause me to shrink back into my dark lonely room. but if I stay rotting on my bed I'd just be stuck, stuck in this unhealthy existence while my own memories torment me. I hate it, I hate this, im too scared and tired to actually do anything with myself.
what even is the point of moving on? it's not like you'd ever be truly free from your own memories, it'll always haunt you. I guess the most you can do is try to cope with it. a few nights ago i ended up scoring my inner thighs repeatedly while i was remembering my cocsa experience,,,, it only helped me bear it for like an hour or so and now it hurts to walk. this sucks.
even now, while im writing this, I can feel my memories creeping on me,, there is no escape from my tiny little mind, my tiny little mind packed and overstuffed with the worst experiences of my pathetic life. and I cant even do anything to stop it, all I can do is fuck up my body to help bear with it. i fucking hate my life.
you tend to remember a lot when you're just laying in bed, looking up at your plain white ceiling that's devoid of any color or soul. all I have for entertainment is a tablet that I'm expected to draw on. it sucks.
often i keep remembering horrible stuff that's happened to me throughout my short and miserable life. sometimes it's the cocsa, sometimes it's being homeless with a mother who blamed me for what happened. i score my limbs to try and make it all bearable, but im too scared to cut deeper into actual fat and flesh.
I wonder, how do random people go around living their lives with some big trauma weighing them down? how do they go living happy, normal lives when their existence has been scarred by some horrible act? i don't think I'd ever understand that,, my memories weigh me down on this bed, and I can't go anywhere. I wonder what it's like to life a happy normal life,,, I wonder what it's like to permanently forget about every single bad memory and just live in the moment. I doubt I'd live long enough to experience that feeling, and I've kinda accepted it atp.
I tend to cower under my duvet,, im like a small little animal hiding from a predator. im doomed either way: if i force myself to go out and try to live, I'd just get hurt and scarred even more, and it'd cause me to shrink back into my dark lonely room. but if I stay rotting on my bed I'd just be stuck, stuck in this unhealthy existence while my own memories torment me. I hate it, I hate this, im too scared and tired to actually do anything with myself.
what even is the point of moving on? it's not like you'd ever be truly free from your own memories, it'll always haunt you. I guess the most you can do is try to cope with it. a few nights ago i ended up scoring my inner thighs repeatedly while i was remembering my cocsa experience,,,, it only helped me bear it for like an hour or so and now it hurts to walk. this sucks.
even now, while im writing this, I can feel my memories creeping on me,, there is no escape from my tiny little mind, my tiny little mind packed and overstuffed with the worst experiences of my pathetic life. and I cant even do anything to stop it, all I can do is fuck up my body to help bear with it. i fucking hate my life.
