I have a mild case of aspergers, so life wouldnt have been easy for me in any case. Its the extreme sensitivity that made me panicky in social situations, giving me depression from a young age, ruining my concentration, making it impossible to learn about socializing or about anything else either. Nobody told me i had autism or how to learn to cope with it. I had to learn it myself by getting bullied and ostracized for years. An extremely bittering process.
Getting my looks ruined by my biting problem was imo the straw that broke the camels back. If i was at least normal/good looking, then maybe all the other problems wouldnt have been impossible to overcome. I could have had girlfriends. My looks werent bad back when i was 19, but by 25 the problem had gotten very noticable. The problem was pretty mild, all it took to fix it as an adult was 2 years of wearing braces. But the development of my face was already over when these things dawned to me. I was stuck with unsymmetric face, a huge nose and undeveloped jaws. It's fucking hilarious in a non-funny way, but it was actually the assholes who bullied me about being ugly who helped me to see that my looks had gotten fucked up. They were the only ones who "cared" enough to comment in any way. I didnt realize that i had turned ugly you see. This happened so fast my mind wouldnt accept it, i remember thinking "i never look good on photos". It was just that i didn't look good anymore.
The worst thing about all of this is perhaps the fact, that the problem never got recognized by anyone, save for the bullies. This all could have been prevented very easily with braces. Nobody told that i needed them, or that i could get them. (in my country it would have actually been free) Nobody told me this would happen. According to the society around, nobody is responsible. Nobody has offered an apology. Nobody has offered any advice, at any point. My family, the dentists who took care of me, the society, nobody. The people i trusted. It's not their fault they say. But it is their fault. My looks were my lifeline to having a life worth living. And it was taken away from me. Nobody noticed, nobody gave a fuck, all it would have taken was a couple words to change my life. Im going to have surgery soon, but Im not young anymore so i dont know if having it will even make any difference to my social life or mental health anymore.
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All of the above makes me self destructive, and I completely despise it. To me, it's a loop. I feel self-destructive, and I hate that feeling so much that it makes me… self-destructive? The fucking complaining to myself year after year after year, having no one to listen to it and driving away the few people who you have with that fucking complaining. It never fucking stops. I cant stop complaining because it would mean accepting that my life has been as shitty as it has. I do not want to accept, i want change. But does looking for it ever wear one out. Its driving me fucking crazy. It wasn't always like this. Back when i was younger, thinking about suicide actually comforted me. Now, after all of these years, after nothing has changed, after all this time spent talking about suicide to myself but doing nothing about it, now that i have easy methods of carrying it out? The will to live and the will to die keep pulling me into different directions with equal pressure and it feels like its driving me insane. I just want to give up and die already, but something wont let me. I guess i just have to prove to myself that i have reached a dead end, before I will be able to completely do so.
Getting my looks ruined by my biting problem was imo the straw that broke the camels back. If i was at least normal/good looking, then maybe all the other problems wouldnt have been impossible to overcome. I could have had girlfriends. My looks werent bad back when i was 19, but by 25 the problem had gotten very noticable. The problem was pretty mild, all it took to fix it as an adult was 2 years of wearing braces. But the development of my face was already over when these things dawned to me. I was stuck with unsymmetric face, a huge nose and undeveloped jaws. It's fucking hilarious in a non-funny way, but it was actually the assholes who bullied me about being ugly who helped me to see that my looks had gotten fucked up. They were the only ones who "cared" enough to comment in any way. I didnt realize that i had turned ugly you see. This happened so fast my mind wouldnt accept it, i remember thinking "i never look good on photos". It was just that i didn't look good anymore.
The worst thing about all of this is perhaps the fact, that the problem never got recognized by anyone, save for the bullies. This all could have been prevented very easily with braces. Nobody told that i needed them, or that i could get them. (in my country it would have actually been free) Nobody told me this would happen. According to the society around, nobody is responsible. Nobody has offered an apology. Nobody has offered any advice, at any point. My family, the dentists who took care of me, the society, nobody. The people i trusted. It's not their fault they say. But it is their fault. My looks were my lifeline to having a life worth living. And it was taken away from me. Nobody noticed, nobody gave a fuck, all it would have taken was a couple words to change my life. Im going to have surgery soon, but Im not young anymore so i dont know if having it will even make any difference to my social life or mental health anymore.
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All of the above makes me self destructive, and I completely despise it. To me, it's a loop. I feel self-destructive, and I hate that feeling so much that it makes me… self-destructive? The fucking complaining to myself year after year after year, having no one to listen to it and driving away the few people who you have with that fucking complaining. It never fucking stops. I cant stop complaining because it would mean accepting that my life has been as shitty as it has. I do not want to accept, i want change. But does looking for it ever wear one out. Its driving me fucking crazy. It wasn't always like this. Back when i was younger, thinking about suicide actually comforted me. Now, after all of these years, after nothing has changed, after all this time spent talking about suicide to myself but doing nothing about it, now that i have easy methods of carrying it out? The will to live and the will to die keep pulling me into different directions with equal pressure and it feels like its driving me insane. I just want to give up and die already, but something wont let me. I guess i just have to prove to myself that i have reached a dead end, before I will be able to completely do so.
